Ask Amy: Your boyfriend is abusive. You should get out.

I didn't plan to post this until I saw the follow-up letter. It's important to know how common this abusive behavior is in relationships with NVM.

This is a reminder that no man should pressure you to do anything, or withhold normal affection because you said no. This letter is an example of sexual coercion, which is part of the behavior of rapists and abusers. It is abusive in itself, but can also lead to other forms of abuse. The follow-up to this letter confirms that this is not rare, but disturbingly common.

Dear Amy: My boyfriend of almost three years is very childish.

If I do something he does not like, he will try to “get me” back — or even the score in some way.

For instance, I do not want to do a particular act in the bedroom.

This act makes me super-uncomfortable, and I hate it.

No matter how many times I explain this to him, he says it’s his favorite thing and that if I don’t do it, then it’s a dealbreaker.

Sometimes I suffer through it, but other times I flat out refuse.

The other day, I refused to do this.

Now he won't kiss me.

He says that since I won't do that for him, kissing is off the table until I do it.

How is that fair?

How can we navigate through this without calling it quits?

I want to make him happy, but I also don’t want to do what he’s asking me to do. Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

— Underperforming

Underperforming: Couples definitely bargain and negotiate with one another over all sorts of things, including “acts in the bedroom.”

However, this is not a negotiation. This is … game over.

Definitely — a dealbreaker.

I wouldn't describe your boyfriend's behavior as “childish,” so much as “deeply troubling,” “manipulative,” “abusive.”

Those are only some words that come to mind. (There are others.)

He is coercing, manipulating and — I assume — cornering you into doing something you have stated many times that you don’t want to do. This is something you “hate.”

Then, when he is not able to force you to do his “favorite thing,” he punishes you.

This is pretty much the definition of domestic abuse.

Currently, he is withholding affection. Later, he might punish you in other ways and for other reasons, if you don't “make him happy.”

This is not connection. This is control.

Regular readers know that I rarely say this when people claim they want to work on their relationship, but — get out.

The National Sexual Assault Hotline is available 24/7. Their impressive website (RAINN.org) offers a wonderful “chat” function, available all-hours. You could “gut check” my reaction by calling or chatting online with a counselor: (800) 656-HOPE (4673).

Ask Amy: Your boyfriend is abusive. You should get out. - The Washington Post

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And here is a reply from another reader of the above post:

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Dear Amy: Thank you for publishing the question from “Underperforming,” a woman whose husband was demanding that she submit to a sexual act she “hated,” and who refused to kiss her because she didn’t.

I was shocked when I read the question, because I could have written it.

Thank you for breaking from your usual practice of urging couples to work things out — and for telling her, point blank, to get out.

I wish I had followed this frank advice years ago. I would have been spared years of escalating abuse.

— Survivor

Survivor: The number of women responding with similar stories (well over 100), is frankly heartbreaking.

Ask Amy: Competing Christmas Eve traditions are tearing family apart - The Washington Post