Azimuth Check in dating scenario

MadamLeFay · 2020-12-31T01:47:36+00:00

I don't date guys with kids and that's one of the reasons why. This won't be the last time this happens.

DarwinsLittleBird · 2020-12-31T01:54:25+00:00

Make him wait, but be sweet about it. Say you would love to but have something else already planned during lunch (a meeting, a run, whatever, you don’t need to go into detail) and that you are looking forward to seeing him on Friday.

honeybeeroll · 2020-12-31T01:55:06+00:00

I think if you want to continue dating him, you will have to accept this scenario is something that will happen on a regular basis. It's honestly up to you if it's something you are comfortable with or not. Just listen to how this makes you feel. If it makes you feel ignored, slighted, worried, then he's not the guy for you.

souredskittles · 2020-12-31T01:54:39+00:00

How old are you?

If you are below 35 drop dudes with kids. Sets precedent for him to make excuses.

whokilledhydra · 2020-12-31T02:01:29+00:00

Your gut is right. It is last minute.

Why not just see him on the next planned day (Friday)?

Even if it's not his fault per se to cancel last minute, he still needs to manage his contingencies respectfully, and you should not be on call for his ex's schedule, or be guilted by his commitment to his children to become dictated by his/their needs. This level of enmeshing is potentially a red flag, especially if you are still early dating.

The bottom line is, the more he cancels, the fewer his chances to spend with you. It is on him to ensure he sees you, and I can think of many ways he can do that, even with a coparent who works retail. Many people work retail.

Sage_Planter · 2020-12-31T03:16:30+00:00

For me, it comes down to how he handles the situation.

"My ex had to switch shifts, and I'm taking the kids tomorrow. I'll come by tomorrow for lunch instead" is different than "Hey. I know this is last minute, and I'm sorry to change plans so late. Unfortunately, my ex had to switch shifts, and I'll be taking the kids tonight. Can I bring you lunch tomorrow to make it up to you? I was really looking forward to see you."

One is just a straight up "this is how it is" whereas the second is "this is how it is but I'm thinking about your feelings, too."

LevelTurbulent · 2020-12-31T01:55:59+00:00

If you're going to date someone with kids you have to accept they should put their children before you.

If it's not ok, don't date a man with children. There's nothing wrong with that. At this point in my life I would only date a man with no children or adult children. I'm not dealing with things like childcare anymore.

candyfox84 · 2020-12-31T02:18:36+00:00

Jury is still it out on him. I would not reschedule, just stick to Friday date night which was planned. Depending on how long you’ve been dating him, two dates in two days could be too much anyway.

Fearlessfell · 2020-12-31T03:39:25+00:00

The fact that your gut said something means you’ll have to reconsider dating a man with children. I’m sure women with children understand this happens every once in a while, they are his responsibility after all and unfortunately there’s not much he can do about that. But for me (and maybe you) I’m not interested in being second fiddle when I still have ALL my freedom. I’m not interested in being limited if my bf has a child. Same goes if my bf has a job where he has to travel a lot or something. Such is life and why love doesn’t always conquer all.

So it seems you have two options:

Accept that this will happen every once in a while and wait it out to see if he is HV, or drop him. As for your question I would not allow him my afternoon lunch spot so easily. Tell him you filled it.

janetheautomaton · 2020-12-31T04:03:45+00:00

You must be a lieutenant because you seem to have wandered off course.

Kidding. But your instincts are right, the stop-by lunch is not a date. Stop-by lunch is something an established couple does if times and locations happen to line up. Do not allow the stop-by lunch to replace anything else of substance.

I think u/DarwinsLittleBird has the right idea. This isn't necessarily a red flag or LVM behavior, he might just be in problem-solving mode. Don't set the precedence and keep an eye on it.

gutsandgorey · 2020-12-31T06:20:57+00:00

I find it odd that you've already had a vacation together and sleepovers but aren't willing to let him reschedule a date when it's about his kid. This doesn't sound like the early stage of dating and you have kids too so I don't get the problem? I think when you're dating with kids both sides deserve a little slack because your own child always comes first.

Title	Azimuth Check in dating scenario
Author	longhorn102083
Upvotes	20
Comments	20
Date	December 31, 2020 1:44 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/kng28a/azimuth_check_in_dating_scenario/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/azimuth-check-in-dating-scenario.356879 https://theredarchive.com/post/356879

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