I am a former Pickmeisha.

Yes, you read that correctly. I say it loud and I say it proud.

I am not ashamed of it. I can't be, it's a part of my story. BUT I will say I have found a better way to live. WARNING: I'm keeping it all the way real with this, because authenticity is now an essential part of my life. So here we go:

It started from childhood.

Growing up with a narcissistic father (or a narcissist parent in general), everything is about THEM. It is the foundation of narcissism. Therefore, as a child (especially a girl/father relationship), you learn that to get the attention, to get the validation and love you crave- you have to EARN it.

And thus began a 30+ year journey of the Pickmeisha lifestyle.

Because I didn't get the love and proper emotional attachment from my father, I then sought it out in the next best thing I knew: Men.

In elementary and middle school, crushes became my soul focus. Who could possibly like me and who I liked. My journal was filled with hearts, my free time spent on games of M.A.S.H and my mind aloof with daydreams about these crushes telling me they liked me and becoming my boyfriend.

Basically, men (specifically men liking ME) became my entire world.

I carried this fixation on men throughout high school and when college came I went all out.

I slept with everyone.

I thought it was me being sexually liberated. Me finding myself. Me being free. I was the cool girl. The one who had guy friends and who slept with anyone she wanted. The best of both worlds. It became like a game to me, to see a guy, sleep with him and then check him off of my list. Me and my friends even had challenges to sleep with men of different races and careers and physical features- just for the heck of it. Just to say that we were free to have sex with whomever we wanted and that we COULD. It was nothing for me to sleep with a guy one night and then his friend the next night. Nothing for me to wager giving head in exchange for losing a pool table game. Female empowerment and all that jazz.

When I graduated college things slowed down a bit, but I still operated from the same mindset. I made so many risky sexual choices all in the name of OWNING my sexuality. But despite all of this, despite my exterior "it's only sex and no attachments" mindset, what I REALLLLLLYYYY wanted, deep down inside, was to be chosen. Was for someone to pick me, to like me, to claim me. To do what my father didn't- which is truly love me.

I had a few boyfriends throughout that time, but nothing stuck. How could it when I had a penchant for emotionally unavailable men and f-boi's who provided a "challenge". Then came my ex husband.

I had just come out of being emotionally attached to an emotionally unavailable f-boi who had me acting all out of character (doing crazy drive by's, calling from random numbers, the works) when I met my ex husband. I was 26, emotionally tired and ready to stop playing games (and getting played) and here he came. He was sweet, charming, honest- your typical nice guy. And the best part about it? I felt he really SAW me. That he really saw the value I held inside. He said that he would never treat me like the guy I had just been played by. He said all the right words. He made me feel safe. And for the first time from a man I felt (what I thought was) love! He had me hook line and sinker.

Thus began a 5 year journey of emotional highs followed by emotional lows. Typical narcissist behavior. He knew me well and used my vulnerability and fears of abandonment to draw me in and then do what narc's do best- try to destroy you. We dated, got engaged and then got married all throughout that time. His mission was to keep me suppressed. Keep me confused. To silently and covertly destroy me. Thankfully, I am smart and blessed *pats back and praises God* and I escaped. While I emerged hurt from him, I am not permanently damaged. In fact, my encounter with him started me onto the path to ME.

Since coming out of that relationship I have had to confront so much. The origins of my story, the errors I made in the past. It has been hard- it's basically like having your entire world turned upside-down. BUT it has been good. Oh so good and oh so freeing.

When I first encountered FDS prior to my divorce I scoffed at these ladies. They all seemed so angry. So rough. So bitter. They hated men, and I didn't understand it at all. But now? Now I see the true value in the message that they are sending- which I couldn't have seen or understand until I discovered the true value of myself. Do I hate men now? Heck no. BUT, I do recognize now that there are many men out there that are problematic (at the very LEAST) and I understand now that it is up to me to protect myself. To set the standards. To respect ME.

So to all the ladies in the sub:

To the pickmeishas: I don't condemn you. I have compassion for you. Trust me, I have been there, and I know that you are doing the best you can with what you know, believe and have at the time. It's a process, it's a journey, but just know that you are truly worthy and valuable as you are sans any external person or thing.

To those who have exited toxic relationships: I hope this journey of healing is one that produces fruit within you that you never knew existed. Trust me, I know the pain, the anger and the struggles as you navigate this new life, but if you are on this sub please take a moment to pat yourself on the back because they did NOT break you. You are still here- learning and growing everyday into who you are supposed to be.

To those who are leading the charge: Thank you for creating this sub and showing us another way. That there is a better way.

Anyhow, that is all I wanted to say.

Signed,

A Former Pickmeisha