I know on FDS the mantra "If he wanted to he would" has been floating around, and while I think it is great, I feel we would do a disservice to other FDSers if we did not discuss the other dangerous side to "if he wanted to he would". The side where that mantra fits exactly into the agenda and actions of a NVM narcissistic man.

I divorced my covert NVM narc last year. Legit less than a month after I kicked him out, he met up and found another woman. Moved in with her less than 3 months later, and then (as I recently found out) just got engaged to her after less than a year of knowing her.

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Now, on her end I'm sure she's saying "if he wanted to he would" and praising that this man found her, was intentional in his movements and had no wavering or doubt over making her his girlfriend and now wife. I know this because I went through the same thing as her (but for me not that fast at ALL- our timeline was more the common "2+ years dating then marriage").

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For a NVM narc man, the mantra "if he wanted to he would" fits perfectly into their lovebombing scheme. For the first 2 years I was with my NVM ex he was completely high value in his actions. He would go above and beyond doing things for me that I never thought anyone would do. Plan trips, help out, listen to me, support me, support my career, share in "the load" of life. He was hardworking, dedicated etc etc etc. His actions were spot on-- but emotionally there were issues-- but I just didnt fully realize them. He would say things like "Women used to say I was such an asshole" and I would laugh them off because for ME that wasn't the case at all! He was 100% if he wanted to he would and did it each in every time. In our relationship (for those first few years) I would always feel as if he were so calm and healthy and I was just an emotional mess. It didnt take until I left for me to realize that he was intentionally emotionally manipulating me to evoke responses by playing on my communicated vulnerable areas.

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Anyhow, I just wanted to let ppl know that yes, watch the actions, but more importantly watch how you feel. Listen to you body-- often it will tell you if someone is wrong before your mind will. Watch how your body responds. Does it feel safe? Does it feel secure? Do you feel emotionally secure? Is peace a constant feeling with this person? If the answer is no to any of these, examine that.