A question we get a lot in FDS pertains to the strategy of dating older men. "Older" is subjective, but for this purpose we will say 8+ years older, and this post is specific to younger women (teens, twenties). Why? Because they realistically tend to be the most vulnerable and most likely to be targeted by abusive or exploitative males. Don't agree with that? I don't care.

Is dating an older man okay?

While it's not bad per se, it is a yellow flag at best. When I was 21, a guy started chatting with me at a Starbucks. He was 37, very charming and super interesting. We ended up dating for about 6 months, but it would have been much shorter had I realized that he was a loser, perpetual victim, and had a hard time keeping the attention (and respect) of women his own age. He knew my bullshit-o-meter was less finely tuned, and that appealed to him. I'm now 30 (a grandma to a lot of you) and I personally would never date someone who was 25 much less even younger, so you have to ask: what is he getting out of it?

If you find a guy who is older, don't necessarily write him off. But keep your head on a swivel. Don't collect red flags. Constantly be asking yourself, "why?" Is he an arrested development type who doesn't want to settle down? Is he irresponsible and immature? Is he "plating" or using you while dating more ahem age appropriate women for an actual relationship?

AND THEN THROW ALL OF THIS IN THE TRASH if you are under 18. No man worth anything, EVER would date someone who is dubiously legal (idgaf about your local municipal laws, FUCK that) if he's a good person. You know what man in his 20s dates teenagers? Fucking pedophiles. "But he LOVES me!!" Child, he loves your vulnerability and lack of defined personality. He loves what he can take from you. I don't care if you listen to Hall and Oates and have an "old soul", you are a child and he is grown.

What should I look out for with an older man?

How's his job? His finances? Someone in their 30s should have a career and legitimate savings. This isn't a money thing, it's a responsibility thing. If he's fucking off to go waste all his money in New Orleans every year at 35, that's not a person that's going to be relationship material (unless he has a respectable 401k AND the money to travel). Does he drink a lot? Is he still doing a ton of recreational drugs? Is he a stoner? What's his living situation (roommates/living in a basement/or GOD FORBID with his PARENTS) are all huge blood-red flags.

When dating an older man, make sure you are the exception to his lifestyle because of your emotional connection, not a continuation of a person who refuses to grow up. We look for what we value in our partners, and if he's looking for younger women he likely values optics or fun over substance. Does that sounds condescending? Welcome to the mind of a man.

Extra factor: If you meet on OLD, why is he looking for women 10+ years younger than him? That's not a default setting, girl. Just sayin'.

What other considerations should I factor in?

Do you want kids? Do you want marriage and a family? Will he be young enough by the time you're ready to have kids to be an equal partner in the child-rearing? If you're 22 and he's 35, he will be 43 by the time you're 30. Does a 43 year old want to stay up all night with a screaming baby? Think about the biological logistics. Your timeline may not work with his. I've also found that older men are less interested in even having children, so make sure you communicate the things that you value before your heart is invested and you've wasted a bunch of time for nothing. I'm not saying ask him on the first date, but I am saying don't wait as long as you would if you were dating another 20-year-old.

Just keep the logistics in the back of your head. Men hit a wall in their 30s and 40s if they haven't taken good care of themselves, so he may seem attractive when you're 20 and he's 30, but when you're 30 and he's 40? Girl, you better hope he works out because that shit can hit hard.

Why am I having to pay extra attention to all this stuff? Isn't age just a number?

No offense but that's how stupid people get hurt. Assuming the best, especially with men, is how women get their hearts damaged over and over again. Age is about power dynamics. Someone who is older has more experience, resources, and baggage. Ignoring that fact is foolish and setting yourself up to fail. Your guy may be fantastic, or he may be well versed in being charming. Being charming and being good are different. Like any imbalance of power, you need to make sure you protect yourself.

A final word

It's a well-known fact that men view their relationships as status symbols and reflections of themselves. Make damn sure he's interested in you and not just using you as a positive reflection of himself. Is he a thoughtful man of character, does he care for and about others (not just people he wants to sleep with), is he responsible and mature? Then by all means, have fun! But keep your eyes peeled for those red flags.

Feel free to ask any other questions y'all have.