Narcissists, players, fuckbois and users all look for weakness to prey on. However, as a collective group, women are getting stronger, more educated and less interested than ever. Of course, instead of meeting us at the top, many men still find it’s easier to tear us down to their level. Something is very wrong with a lot of men that we have to interact with in our day to day lives. And even the strongest women get caught up sometimes. Instead of getting mad at yourself for moments of weakness, (I still struggle with this) it is healthier to internalize the lesson and move on as quickly as you can. The biggest lessons I have learned over my 10 years of dating (and 8 months of being single) have been:

Avoid rumination and obsessive thoughts

There are a lot of bad men out there. Abusive, selfish and sick. You can’t internalize how they have treated you and ponder why they do what they do. I have a huge issue with this. I turn over unsolvable issues in my mind, especially when it comes to men. A few years ago, a guy I was dating for 4 months full on ghosted me and I let it almost destroy me. I cringe when I look back at it, but I took it so personally. But it’s not a me issue. I have character and values that dictate my behavior and I would never treat someone like that. Remember, he doesn’t have your empathy and heart. And he’s worse off for it. Meditation, running and reading about complex subjects have helped me so much with my obsessive thoughts and rumination. Get your mind and body busy.

Seek out strong friendships first

I believe you have to have a strong support system before you start dating. You need friends to travel with, hang out with a few times a week, vent with, to laugh and make future plans with. Make great memories with them! Have fun! These are people you can count on to have your back when things fall through with some guy. People to keep you grounded in reality. Remember that guy who ghosted me? I had that loser on a pedestal… until I showed his picture to my friend who was visiting from out of town. She was like, “He’s not even that cute… his eyes are really far apart like how a horse has eyes on the side of his head? You know.. he looks like a damn horse” It was like a spell was broken. He’s not some magical, once in a life-time dude, he’s some centaur guy I dated for a few months. She gave me the perspective I desperately needed.

Cash is Queen

You need to be financial independent. Internalize that message. No one is going to save you. Even if you want to be a SAHM (which is great, I really want you to have that life!) you need to plan for financial independence. First, if a man never shows up, you’re still retiring at 55 because you took care of you. Second, if he shows up then pulls a 180, you have the tools, education and skills to continue to take care of you. You are your own safety net. However, if you invest, save, achieve independence and meet a HVM? Then you’re a power couple and what’s better than a true partnership? I read 'total money make over', took an online course in finance, listen to investment podcasts on the way to work, read books on investments and built a substantial savings during this pandemic (I know I am privileged to have a stable job rn, the military provides stability during economic downturns). I can sleep at night knowing a man’s behavior isn’t tied to my investment portfolio. Him sleeping with an escort doesn't remove the roof over my head. My biggest lesson here? Men are a shaky investment. Invest in you first.

Finally, what are your dating lessons????