Double Standards on Your Boundaries

sewingmachinesavior · 2021-07-20T10:13:48+00:00

In the end w my abuser, I would say exactly what he had just said to me back to him. It shut him up. Even though I don’t like talking to people in such ugly ways. It helped end the moment more quickly. And still makes me giggle a bit.

Aocwannabe · 2021-07-20T15:57:25+00:00

You will replicate the behavior that you tolerate.

I’ve noticed that acquaintances that put up with bad behavior from their friends- like ppl flaking or being unreliable- think that I will put up with that behavior as well.

I began matching energy before Covid. Eg, I text/ call people back at the same rate they reach out to me. It has been life changing to see how many “friends” expected me to do all of the heavy lifting. And how some people have responded with anger at my boundaries.

Story: I invited a friend to a poolside movie at a local hotel. I told him that the movie began at 8 PM and he told me that he would be getting off of work at 6:45 PM. So I said, “No. That def won’t work.” He got kind of pissy but I just said “Text me when it works for you and we will figure out something else to do together.”

The reason I was “inflexible”? His place of work is at least an hour from the venue with traffic. This friend is usually rushing and/or late. He is also the type to arrive late and then expect to be accommodated or “negotiate” until he gets what he wants. He thinks this is chutzpah but I often feel embarrassed that he is being pushy about boundaries and rules that are usually clearly stated on ticket admissions.

I bought the tickets and I want to have a mellow, relaxing experience. I still love my friend but he and I can do something else together that he has planned because whenever I plan things he always makes it more work than it needs to be (he will invite other people, run late, switch locations, etc). His lack of awareness around how his poor time management affects other people has caused me to take a big step back from the friendship and I feel great about it.

PS He is a gay man. Friendship with straight men is pointless in my experience.

thehappiestelephant · 2021-07-20T16:52:40+00:00

As I was realizing the ex's double standards, I stopped being baited and would instead show him how he was wrong. I would bring up something he did, and he would immediately try to turn it around on me.

"As if you never do anything wrong, why are we always talking about me but never about you!"

"Because we HAVE talked about me. But okay, you wanna talk about me, what do you have a problem with?"

"That thing you did months ago that I told you I didn't like."

"Right, and we talked about it and it's no longer an issue because I changed my behavior. Have you seen me do it since we discussed it?"

"Well, no."

"Okay then. That's why we don't talk about me all the time, because I changed my behavior. So AGAIN, I'm asking you to be kind and empathetic towards me."

"But...you're asking me for a million things!"

Ladies, that last line was a quote. Expecting him to manage his words and actions is a "million things." Which to me says he has a million misogynistic things to say and do.

breadandbunny · 2021-07-20T08:32:44+00:00

True. Reminds me of an ex-friend.

laffytaggy · 2021-07-20T17:54:23+00:00

I think anyone that needs an explanation once I set my boundary is problematic. I notice people will analyze my boundaries (“oh you won’t do x, but you do y”). I don’t even respond to such people anymore. Respect the boundary or get out of my face.

r4nd0m-u53r · 2021-07-20T22:01:04+00:00

Yep, I was in a verbally abusive marriage. One of his big things was If I wasn't silent as a mouse once he went to bed he would get mad, yet it was perfectly acceptable for him to wake me up all night when he stayed up to game. Pointed out the double standard and it barely sunk in to him.

EsotericKnowledge · 2021-07-21T16:45:04+00:00

A great way to shut this down is to use exactly the same language on them that they did during your situation. (A better way is to get them out of your life but sometimes these things take time).

I really enjoy flipping gendered language on them especially. Watch how mad they get when you call them the exact same (gendered) thing they've said to you. "Why are you being so bitchy?" "ReeoOWW, someone's catty this morning" "Are you on your period or something?" etc etc

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