Fantastic article questioning the current obsession with consent above all, focusing on bad sex. "It may well be that men learn that they can get away with not caring about a woman’s pleasure, and that women learn they must prioritise male pleasure over their own."

Fun_Sherbet · 2021-03-11T20:46:33+00:00

"..Much sex that is consented to, even affirmatively consented to, is bad: miserable, unpleasant, humiliating, one-sided, painful. “Bad sex” doesn’t have to be assault in order for it to be frightening, shame-inducing, upsetting."

Really good article! This needs to be discussed more

shutup201 · 2021-03-11T20:46:51+00:00

I think this is a huge problem, and I'm glad it's being addressed. More often than not, it's women who have these bad sexual encounters. This begs further questioning imo, is consent good enough, what kind of consent was given, was she coerced or enthused when she consented?

Seriously, manipulation and exploitation is all too common nowadays for the good old...consent, which is often more like a hesitant ok or a lack of a firm no. This leads them to targeting women in bad mental places....cause they can get her to say yes. It's incredibly predatory and should not be normalized in any shape or form.

MrsJohnMarston__ · 2021-03-11T22:05:18+00:00

This piece is incredible and I’m reading the book right now.

I was reading the article on FDS which was about the male gaze and that made the difference for me about how I have sex and what enjoyment I actually get from it.

I realised that even in my relationship with my HV fiancé that our sex wasn’t always hitting the spot. But I realised that too often I was “performing” for him.

After this I totally had to rewire my brain. Then we had sex and my focus was totally on his pleasuring of me and it allowed me to truly enjoy sex together.

I mean, a PIV orgasm. No clitoral stimulation.

UnashamedWench · 2021-03-11T19:33:40+00:00

Having sex with a "good" lover ended up making me realize I was asexual. He did everything by the numbers: consent, foreplay, massage, patience, going down on me, asking what turned me on. He didn't make me orgasm once (though not for lack of trying, I'm not blaming that on him per se). My point here is that he was one of the "good" ones in terms of not being selfish about sex.

But sex was always a matter of me powering through disinterest, discomfort, and pain because I wanted him to enjoy himself. I wanted to give him what he wanted, even though I found I really got nothing out of the activity.

I'd rather just take the massage and cuddling without the 30 minutes of having my most sensitive areas pounded on with a dick and being pinned down and kissed and slobbered on, having to go take a shower because I'm covered in bodily fluids.... I'm likely not dating a straight man again because of their sex drive.

I'm open about asexuality being my reason for lack of interest. But cards on the table: How many of us actually enjoy sex, especially as frequently as men want to have it? Not the fantasy idea of tender, passionate loving from a perfect guy, but sex as we have it in the real world?

jasmine-blossom · 2021-03-12T03:19:42+00:00

This interview with Peggy Orenstein might be useful here. Unfortunately it seems that so many adult women are completely unfamiliar with what truly gives them pleasure bc so much of what we are taught about female sexuality revolves around being objectified. It starts when we are young and continues to haunt us until we have no idea how to have sex without being disconnected from ourselves.

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