First time poster long time lurker. This question is intended for women who have dated white men.

passionatevirtuoso · 2020-07-21T04:38:15+00:00

I've dated many 'races'.

In "general*, men are more self-serving across all cultures - sadly that's just the way the patriqrchy has raised everyone. Just read an article today about how men are less likely to wear masks and wash their hands even during the pandemic, and it cut across cultures.

What flavor of self-serving/patriarchal behavior they show is the difference for cultures. And also how feminist they are, too, but that is also a function of culture, not race.

White AND POC American men span the gamut in my experience. Got slut shamed by men of color, had terrible hygiene issues with white dudes, as well as lovely amazing experiences with both. TBH US men overall tend to have worse hygiene issues lol...

Perhaps what you are speaking to is this...?

Unless they have put the emotional and intellectual work into the topic, people who are of the 'default' race/gender tend to also be ignorant of their privilege and their blind spots, and more entitled, whether that is a light-skinned Han Chinese man in China or a white guy in Europe or the USA.

loudest_gusset · 2020-07-21T11:48:07+00:00

I have had many bad experiences with white men and how entitled they are, so I generally avoided them as romantic partners. I am a WOC (black/white latina) so many tend to exoticize me or make assumptions about me. They get noticeably uncomfortable when it becomes clear I'm not the caricature of the "uneducated welfare queen" they seem to think all WOC are in the US. They get even more insecure when they realize I am smarter, more accomplished, more cultured, and overall just better off than they are.

While I think this is true to some extent with men from all races, white men just have this particular flavor of entitlement stronger than others. At least with men of color we can find some shared experiences and there's some sort of solidarity and sympathy in understanding why I can't just ignore family who hits me up for money, or why every other woman in my family is a single mother, or why I feel anxious going on a date in a certain part of town.

Despite most white men just inherently thinking they're above WOCs and making assumptions about them, I am in a relationship with a white man. He was different from others because right off the bat he made no assumptions about me, and tried to educate himself a bit about my cultural background. He made a clear effort in showing he wanted to learn more about me, asked questions, and showed genuine interest in meeting my family. He never tried to shame me for anything (like others have called our food weird), never mentioned anything about finding me attractive because of or in spite of my race, and he doesn't mock me for being unfamiliar with some of the things seemingly ordinary things white people do (for example, I've never had mayo before we dated, never gone camping, never ate turkey on thanksgiving).

Many white men act a certain way toward WOCs because of their races, whether it's "positively" or negatively, they're both red flags that make it seem like they consider us to be a different species which is dehumanizing. To a certain extent, it has happened with Asian men and Black men too, but white men are typically the most arrogant and worst perpatrators of this. I think that if you can find one who treats you like a person independent of race, then it's a good start.

A big red flag is those who say they don't see color or that they don't care about race. Obviously, race is very important to us--the US doesn't allow us to not care about race or be blind to color, therefore I can't be with someone who refuses to acknowledge the privileges afforded to them for their race and not be able to empathize with the unique sets of challenges I face and how my race affects how I navigate this world. If this is going to be an LTR, they have to be fully ready to accept that my race will play a role in how we will live our lives, but it shouldn't have to play a role in a judgement of my character and their attraction to me.

ironymaiden87 · 2020-07-21T05:55:53+00:00

As a woc who has dated a lot of white men, worked with mostly white men, and socializes with mostly white men.

They are mostly the same and you’re pretty correct. There are some good ones but it always makes me laugh how white people can group poc so easily but don’t see how similar they are to each other.

I’ve noticed most white men have little to no resilience. But there are exceptions and the common theme is serious trauma. White men who have gone through and overcome serious trauma are different. But most white male struggles are self inflicted, which isn’t the same as trauma that women go through due to societal sexism or what people of color go through because of racism.

loudest_gusset · 2020-07-21T10:12:30+00:00

White woman whose dated lots of white men. All of them subscribe to the all women are crazy, female friendships are less valuable then male friendships, women all hate each other, women can’t drive, men are smarter theories. 🤮 They also brag about tricking women so they can “hit and quit it” and most think that when they’re 50 they’ll be able to pull 21 year olds and that if a woman isnt married by 30 then she’s an old hag doomed to grow old and alone. Every single one of them had a superiority complex.

HELP_MANBABIESGOTME · 2020-07-21T14:35:00+00:00

Yep. I'm a white woman and most white men in America are literally not worth the time of day. If i was black like you, I wouldn't touch ANY white man with a ten foot pole. Even if they arent actively racist and have educated themselves, I doubt they will be able to empathize with you or understand you fully, sister.

I think its the consequence of them being "at the top" of the privilege index or whatever you call it. Male PoC living in America can at least have empathy on some front. They have experienced racism and might be more aware of the world outside their bubble.

Not always of course- there's plenty of LVM amoung everyone lmao and men so dense and entitled it doesn't matter what race they are. And sometimes white men who are bisexual or have experienced something to enlighten them that they aren't gods gift to the world makes them tolerable.

curlygirl507 · 2020-07-21T05:49:54+00:00

I'm white and I typically try to avoid dating white men because they're often very entitled and have shallow hobbies that they're obsessed with (usually sports). Most have never worked hard because they've had everything handed to them.

lowfattitties · 2020-07-21T19:15:24+00:00

I have the same problem. Two serious relationships were with white men who were NVM and emotionally unavailable. I dated black nvm boys in high school and started dating white men cause I figured they would have less trauma in a okay off family with two parents. Boy I was wrong. I don’t find many black men attractive and the black men I’ve been matching with and trying to date lately end up having kids or are LVM. I really do want to date more POC and especially black men but it’s insanely hard to even find one my level or higher. I have a college degree and I’m very emotionally intelligent.

134340-92494 · 2020-07-21T07:48:00+00:00

I’m a WOC in the US, and I don’t want date white men anymore if I can help it tbh. If they’re not overly racist and entitled towards other ethnicities whilst fetishizing me, then they’ve got at least one racist friend/family member whose behavior they’re willing to excuse at my expense. I don’t have the energy or emotional stamina in 2020 to have to explain issues marginalized people face over and over and over again. Even self-proclaimed “woke” white men often give me white savior complex vibes. Obviously this is not the case for all of them, but I longer intentionally seek validation or attention from them. It’s hard enough trying to protect my energy and peace from the patriarchal baggage that exists in my own community without adding that additional layer. That’s where I’m at right now.

mrs1001nights · 2020-07-21T08:50:35+00:00

Honestly I’m a white woman and at this point I fail to find white men attractive. They’re usually the worst dressed, the least interesting, have the worst skin/hygiene and are the most misogynistic. In the U.K. you either have football lads or indie bros, which are equally as bad but the indie bros think they’re a class above because they have a philosophy degree, sexualise women who wear Doc Martins, and will say they’re “sensitive” as a means to emotionally manipulate you. Truly the pits.

mapfaitpase · 2020-07-21T13:37:17+00:00

I'm Black and I'd only dated Black men up until this point, mostly of the diaspora (African, South American, Caribbean) because of the spaces I tend to be in.

I wasn't closed off to the idea of dating someone non-Black, but I knew what I was looking for and most white men didn't have it. I thought my current boyfriend (white) wouldn't have everything when we first started dating. I was just tryna see something 😂. To my surprise though, he ended up being the perfect partner. I have to explain things that come from experience in Black communities, like why Black people don't get lice, Black idioms, etc. When it comes to Black history, I get that he hasn't had to think about a lot of things in his life, but I made it clear that I'm not an African Studies scholar or a teacher. He does his part to learn from people who are scholars, educate himself and challenge his assumptions.

On the values front, we are on the same page every time. This is what is most important to me. Some Black women I know don't want to explain their culture to their partner, but because my ethnic mix is rare, I ended up doing this with my Black partners too 🤷🏾‍♀️.

That said, I still don't think most men in general, but especially white men, have the level of depth I'd want in a partner. The city I live in is not that diverse so I'm surrounded by white men. In my experience, the white men I've encountered can't seem to get past their entitlement and worldview to challenge their beliefs and actually think critically. Some are obsessed with "being right". It's actually scary, but it explains why our climate is the way it is.

Stick to your values, sift through the toxicity, and see what comes up!

throwaway_vibes · 2020-07-22T03:28:19+00:00

I’m white and since George Floyd, I have heard a lot of white men saying things about how they feel like there is reverse racism against whites now, and really just wildly ignorant stuff. I also know of a ton of white guys who fetishize WOC, and a white scrote type even complained to me once that “only Latinas like him” because he’s “exotic” to them, and he has no luck with white women (probably because he’s a loser and needs his blue eyes to seem interesting).

I think some guys can be HV regardless of race, but with white men it can be harder. I think the few exceptions are white men who are more cultured and have traveled internationally or speak at least one foreign language, and don’t believe in “reverse racism” or see being white as a handicap. I feel like white people in general have a problem recognizing their own privilege, white women included.

hilariouslystated · 2020-07-21T22:25:33+00:00

I dated white men from when I was a teen until just a few years ago that I started dating black men as well. Some of the white men I've dated were nice guys but I also dated a few who I can only describe as psychotic, like, had me in fear for my life type of psychotic. Anyways, I do believe black women should date whoever makes them happy regardless of race. However, I don't really like how some of us make it sound like all the problems you've ever had with dating will be magically solved by dating white men. At the end of the day, men are men and a lot of them are LVM regardless of if they're black or white. Lol.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-07-21T04:27:36+00:00

I agree about most of them.

-dangerous_glitter- · 2020-07-23T05:05:17+00:00

I've dated a lot of guys and they're all different races. Almost all of them are scrotes, I'm pretty sure it's just the men in general.

Title	First time poster long time lurker. This question is intended for women who have dated white men.
Author	-dangerous_glitter-
Upvotes	54
Comments	19
Date	July 21, 2020 1:36 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/huydf1/first_time_poster_long_time_lurker_this_question/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/first-time-poster-long-time-lurker-this-question.716032 https://theredarchive.com/post/716032

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