Former pushovers, how did you stop being a pushover?

2020-03-13T04:12:10+00:00

Being an ER nurse and working with rough patient populations forced me to find my voice and stand up for myself. I no longer work in that field, but it has helped me be a better, bolder, more confident person.

2020-03-13T04:18:50+00:00

Remind yourself that you are allowed to say no.
Say no.
If someone pushes you after you say no, make a note to avoid them.
When people don't push you when you say no, remind yourself that saying no didn't kill you. Pay attention to who doesn't push you.

Mostly it takes practice. Someone conditioned you this way, probably from a young age. It's not your fault.

Do your best to be as self reliant as possible.

People who will be mad when you say no, if they can't withhold anything from you they have no power over you.

But really it's mostly practice. You're teaching your brain that saying no won't kill you. Saying it now sounds silly because of course it wouldn't. I've only been doing this for 6 or so months and already I have no issue saying no to people.

The truth is people who are good won't get mad. Because they aren't used to mooching off people so if someone says no they know they can manage to get things done anyway.

Also don't fold to charmers. It's just another manipulation tactic.

curlygirl507 · 2020-03-13T05:39:12+00:00

What worked for me was thinking about every action in terms of reciprocals. Would this person do for me what I'm doing for them? That was enough to really set me straight since the answer was almost always no.

ghygdryhchmmmmjj · 2020-03-13T04:21:34+00:00

I think it's a mind click. No one ever saw me as a push over. I didnt see myself that way either. I always got what I wanted. Selfishly even. I thought. It turns out that I just cant bear the idea of a person being sad or hurt or uncomfortable for a single second who isnt me. It's a huge mind shift to go "they dont even care as much I did, they are adults, they are fine, they can handle it, it's not my job to keep them in perfect spirits. and everyone around you cheerful and happy." It's not your job. In fact they can do it better on their own than with your help. Learning to set boundaries when you feel like everyone around you needs emotional things more than you do, is a huge step. I thought I was nice and great with people. Yea. Because I couldnt handle people in bad moods or sad to the point where it was like a compulsion to try to fix it. So I got REALLY GOOD at engineering every single social interaction I had to produce happiness in the people around me. I had to let go of them. All of them. They wanted me to worry about myself not them. They wanted to be my friends or lovers, not my "patients", "pets", ect. People like when you give them clear boundaries, because they can rest easy that they know how to make YOU HAPPY. People like boundaries. They respect them. The only people who get upset at the first sign of a boundary are terrible people. Healthy people are really weirded out when you dont have boundaries. I dont get annoyed easily. Nothing bothers me. I've had to learn what I do care about and stand firm on it. Ive even had to be direct about things I didn't really care that much about, to prove that I can stand up for myself. I care about time to myself. I say no to people now when they want to hang out. It took months to get to the point where I am only going to social events i feel like i want to go to. And guess what? The people who I couldn't meet with or go to thier birthday? They survived, didnt care, will not be scarred for life 😂

2020-03-13T04:31:32+00:00

you know how someone asks you to spend your time or energy etc on them and you have that mini moment of uneasiness or anxiety and immediately after that without thinking you say yes, or you say no, then they talk you into it? if you have that anxiety, pause and think, don't immediately agree without thinking. get into the habit of saying something like "I'll get back to you/I'll check on that and let you know as soon as possible". basically don't be so readily agreeable for everyone and give yourself some time to process the situation before you say yes or no. once you get used to allowing yourself to make the decision based on what you actually want, you can omit the step where you need time to think about it and you can give a yea or nay on the fly without worry or guilt.

summerspring_ · 2020-03-13T04:59:54+00:00

Sometimes you just had enough of taking shit. Literally you're tired of it. You're done. I think emotions can play a role with the strong desire to form boundaries and standards for yourself. Including stop being people pleasing.

kimadoll · 2020-03-13T07:49:56+00:00

Care about others only as much as they care about you. Only do as much for others as they do for you. Do what you want and what makes you happy. Problem solved.

Basem3nt · 2020-03-13T08:39:38+00:00

For me It just clicked. I was tired of being walked over and stopped being a pushover. The only problem I have is being assertive instead of aggressive but it’s a good start

drslvtr · 2020-03-13T09:57:46+00:00

I have a simple trick for this.

Growing up in an oppressive culture and being taught to be always nice and kind automatically make many girls, including me, pushovers. This has terrible consequences, of course. There's a reason why my home country is plagued with child molestation, because we teach our kids to always say yes and be respectful towards grown ups.

At 32, I'm still struggling. But my trick is to not say "yes" or "no". Instead, when someone asks me something, whether it be a boss, or a friend, or even a man asking me out, I say "I'll think about it and let you know" and walk away or go back to whatever I was doing. I made it into a reflex so I don't have to think during that moment. When you take your time and think if you can do it or how you can accommodate yourself into doing it, they push more and you end up saying yes to something you really don't want.

Saying "no" might make you feel guilty, it certainly makes me feel guilty sometimes. But saying "I'll think about it" doesn't have a bad aftertaste and it's pretty neutral, so it doesn't set the other person off. Maybe this is something you could try? Good luck!

noonecaresat805 · 2020-03-13T04:18:48+00:00

Personally I was having a rough day and I went to a family even one person was mad at me for no good reason and kept screaming at me then a few other people started screaming at me for the same reason and something in me just snapped and I started screaming at them back. That was the last time they scram at me and I have been standing up for myself ever since.

Solid-Liquid · 2020-03-13T09:37:33+00:00

It took a while. It took my friends, mom, and my sister-in-law to finally make me realize that I don’t have to be treated this way.

My brother took me out to dinner for my birthday, let me get what I wanted, and immediately scooped up the check, I don’t even know what the price was. My sister-in-law was excited to meet my boyfriend before their wedding, but when it came down to the wire, he bailed claiming he “has to go to work” even though he was told months in advance. She hasn’t liked him since, and told my brother as much.

My mom couldn’t understand why she hadn’t met him when we were dating for years. She kept telling me “how come i don’t see him? How come you guys don’t spend the entire day together?” She was up when he was supposed to take me out at 8:30 and never showed up, claiming he had gotten into an argument with his dad (it was about 9:45 when I found this out). She had always said he’s not attractive enough to treat you like this, and how I was smarter than him anyways since I have my bachelors (currently studying to get into grad school) while he doesn’t have his (we both graduated in 2008). Even when I’d go to Canada, I would always bring him back something, when he would go to the Penn Relays in Philadelphia and when he went to Jamaica, he never brought me back anything. He bought my mom a bag and I had to ask him to do that.

My friends knew him from high school and when I would show texts that he sent, told me to leave him. They couldn’t understand why I would tolerate such low effort. They see him at the WF he works at, and put on dark sunglasses and hoods to avoid him cuz every time they see him, he asks to hang out with them cuz of me.

A combination of that and seeing former friends on FB actually spending time with their spouses, had me saying “wow I really don’t have to tolerate this. If they’re going out, how come I’m not getting the same treatment? How come I’m getting IOUs and excuses?” There were friends who dated less time, but were traveling to Disneyland/world together, overseas, to comedy clubs...Suddenly I grew some balls and our easy going relationship turned into me getting angrier and angrier seeing other people in relationships get treated better than I was. I started arguments calling him out for ignoring me, prioritizing his friends over me, and just generally being a “bitch”. He claimed he was gonna do better blah blah blah and I told myself if nothing changes by November , I’ll leave. We hit September and when he sent me a text asking me when my day off was, not asking me to take me out or do anything I asked to do, but so I could come over his house to “get my pussy eaten, to hang out, or to fuck” (all the same thing tbh), I said “fuck it, this relationship is only about sex. I ended it. I have no regrets because is the blueprint for everything I don’t want in a man and now I’m able to see it and say “fuck that he’s playing games” and leave.

Shermaow · 2020-03-13T09:21:00+00:00

You know that feeling when someone tries to convince you to do something and you feel kinda bad so you say yes because you don’t want them to feel bad?

Realize that the person doing the pushing not only doesn’t feel bad, but they’re literally taking advantage of the fact that you do feel bad. They’re banking on it so they can use it against you.

Now when someone tries to push your boundaries remember that and it becomes much easier to say no. You’re not compromising in a gesture of good faith, you’re protecting yourself from skeezy slime that just wants to use you.

spacebubbletea · 2020-03-13T09:14:28+00:00

I pushed over someone who was pushing me over. Suddenly, no more bullying, no more pushing over. Also, my mom being a nurse on a very busy pulmonary intensive care ward. Families of patients are awful and my mama takes absolutely no bullshit

LadyGrimes · 2020-03-13T14:09:29+00:00

You eventually snap after you've experienced it enough. I was too nice for my own good and others saw that too. Now I'm just a cranky old bitch who refuses to take shit from anyone.

thepastamancer · 2020-03-13T13:20:23+00:00

I started thinking about myself instead of other people. Instead of "how do they feel" and "what do they want" its "how do I feel" and "what do I want".

2020-03-13T15:06:38+00:00

My pushoveriness stemmed from the fear of being hurt or stalked if I didn't relent to their advances or pressure. It's probably the hardest habit to kick, since it's essentially born out of self preservation. We really do roll the dice with our lives every time we say "no" to a man, and no amount of having a backbone can change that.

clariondip · 2020-03-13T16:42:34+00:00

Personally, I saw three different people driven to their graves for being nice, polite, self-sacrificing doormats. Drained themselves dry for others, never found the strength to save themselves. After the third one, I decided I wasn't going to be that person. No one in existence is worth the loss of my health and well-being. No one is existence is worth you losing yours.

SpamNEggsDeuce · 2020-03-13T12:59:30+00:00

Noticing my resentment and depression did it for me.

I wasn't happy because I wasn't being true to myself. I saw how this played out for my mother, and I didn't want that for myself.

Basically I stopped denying my anger and stopped "shoulding" myself.

I over-corrected at first. And people close to me who are doormats were not supportive. They thought I was selfish. Really, they were jealous and resentful about their own unwillingness to grow.

Being liked is overrated.

Emma_Lemma_108 · 2020-03-13T13:44:08+00:00

For me, what’s helped has been working on my mindset. Learning to set boundaries doesn’t have to be this all-or-nothing, all-at-once thing. You can make baby steps! Just learn to spot OPPORTUNITIES to be assertive, first, and when you do spot one try a small step toward setting that boundary :) You don’t have to pressure yourself to change years of conditioning all in one day!

Reading books about becoming assertive, setting boundaries, etc helps too. And obviously the FDS sidebar is an amazing place to start!

Title	Former pushovers, how did you stop being a pushover?
Author	voidzbaby
Upvotes	34
Comments	21
Date	March 13, 2020 4:09 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fhttog/former_pushovers_how_did_you_stop_being_a_pushover/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/former-pushovers-how-did-you-stop-being-a-pushover.680304 https://theredarchive.com/post/680304

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