TDLR: Escaped religious extremism. Forced marriage. Starting over from absolute zero. 4 years of secret therapy, self help, healing and work. I'm rising but I lack the experience to formulate a workable strategy going fwd and I need the tribe to weigh in.

Queens, I need your help. I need your strategies, your advice, your encouragement, and the wisdom that comes from our little collective of women. I want it all. I'm going to add as much detail as possible but do bear with me because I really have to set the stage for you to truly grasp the issue. In many ways this will be a cautionary tale. Don't let this ever be you or your daughters. This is gonna be long and some of this is going to be triggering soooooo:

TRIGGER: emotional, physical, and financial abuse also involving children. Religious abuse. Tradcon BS

Background: I was raised in an extremely religious and conservative community in rural Arkansas. It was the mega-crazy extremism of the 90s. (Think Ruby Ridge.)Every woman had a baby on her hip and/or a rifle on her back. We cooked and we served the men. No tv. No radio. Just the Bible. Very little outside contact. Looking back I can see how utterly bizarre it was but at the time it was my normal. The girls understood that our sole purpose in life was to be a wife and become his “help meet” (essentially a bangmaid on roids) We were systematically brainwashed into believing that we were lesser and more fragile creatures that needed to be under a mans guidance at all times. We were the “daughters of Eve”, wicked and corrupt from birth. We were forbidden from higher education, music, pants, haircuts, and disagreement. Your man was your God and your happiness (or lack thereof ) was dependent on how well you fucked him, fed him, cooked for him, and obeyed him. Sustained mind fuckery. I was married at 17 and had my first baby within that year and many babies in the years to come.

Fast forward a decade or two, the larger community had dissolved and we moved on. We acclimated to normal society well but the programming remained. I've been in a complete shitshow of a marriage that sucked every ounce of life from me. PureFLsugar didn't exist as a whole human woman at all. She learned to keep small and quiet and to go along to get along; I fought a thousand battles daily. My husband was a complete POS but it was my normal. I adapted to this. He was extremely lazy and abusive. He was a coercive porn addict. He would go blow his entire paycheck on absolute bullshit and for two weeks there would be no food in the house. I had to ration everything including formula because I didn't know when I would get more. He had a job that took him away for days at a time and we were left with nothing. That's just scratching the surface of the abuse. No money, no car, no phone. Nothing.

We would fight, he would gaslight and Darvo me into believing that he was right. He told me it was because I was a garbage woman and I would believe it and try to do better (I'm heartbroken for the woman that I was. It was very bad). He controlled everything and we were isolated. The children were homeschooled. I was not allowed to work nor was I allowed birth control. Everything we owned was in his name. I had no friends. We had since left the larger religious community and my wealthy but dreadful family disowned me so I was even more isolated.

He has taken on debt in my name behind my back and I've paid it off a few times in order to avoid lawsuits or disaster. (I've learned to hide my earnings from him by investing or putting it into a hidden fund in the kids name) I put a lock on my credit which sucks because I can't access it either. This means I'm not able to build upon it for a bit.

Present day:

After a prolonged battle and much discourse, We have agreed that our marriage is over and have come to an agreement as adults. We have decided to live as roomies and co-parent. I'm unable to afford a living space of any kind on my own let alone be able to afford all the other things like childcare, a vehicle, insurance. We have seperate bedrooms and for the most part we stay peaceful. Instead of child support (which would be very little) he has agreed to continue to pay the mortgage and household expenses. Life hasn't changed much at all. I still carry every ounce of unpaid and emotional labor. He ignores me but he's terrible to the kids. I get regular food now but he doesn't give me money. He goes with me and pays. Whatever. I'm ok with letting him control that as long as the kids get fed (😩 I know). I've lived like this for so long that I'm over the moon about getting regular food. He has relaxed quite a bit but a scrote is a scrote. 💁‍♀️ I have to bite my tongue to make it work and I do. Very recently he had a “moral moment” and I was able to get him to sign a notarized agreement stating that ALL debt is his responsibility. That's a HUGE win.

I've spent these 4 years or so silently improving myself. Therapy, alt therapy, medication, lifestyle improvements, spiritual growth. I'm following my passions. I've learned how to shuffle around money and make it growI've grown so much and for the first time in a long time I can say that I'm happy with myself. I'm truly proud of the woman I am and excited about the woman I will be when this is over. I'm on my hustle and I'm figuring it out. I have the heart of a lion and I'm genuine and loving. I'm happy again.

Here's where the strategy part comes...I've been casually dating for 2 years on and off. Tried OLD and that's a no-go for me. I have been casting a wide net in real life and I'm attracting better and better. The men are of better quality for sure.

I'm ready to start dating more seriously. My living situation might make that difficult. Tbh while the situation is not ideal it is the best one for everyone. What hvm is going to overlook me living with my baby daddy though? How do I bring the topic up or do I at all? If I do how much do I tell him and which parts? If I'm 100% honest it exposes my underbelly and leaves me extremely vulnerable. Ethical me says I have to tell them some stuff. I can't ethically hide the fact that I live with him. And anyway I'm seeking a LTR with a permanent position. I feel like no matter what I do I'm still going to be living under the control of a man. I'm working hard but I'm years away from being able to be on my own.

Very confusing but I need to figure it out so I can set my intentions and goals properly.

Love you women ❤️❤️ Thanks in advance