How do you keep your head up and keep going when you’re working in a male dominated field where those who were supposed to be your mentors barely taught you anything because they were sexualizing you?

RestingBitchFace12 · 2021-05-15T21:49:44+00:00

[deleted]

souredskittles · 2021-05-15T21:59:05+00:00

Damn. I’m in a male dominated field too and they are fucking annoying sometimes. I’ve wondered if this exact thing has happened to me and my female coworker. 3 of us were hired, two women one man and he definitely has progressed faster, I felt bad but I realized he had a a few men grooming him for his niche in the company. They pushed him to get certificates and authorization for things I had no idea about (they never told me). I’ve tried hard and continued to show up and attach myself to new people who would teach me things but I still feel if it was woman dominated I would’ve accelerated faster.

Just keep going. And when more women join the workforce, put them first. That’s what I try to do.

so_lost_im_faded · 2021-05-15T22:29:57+00:00

To answer the question in the title -

I got better than those who were supposed to help me and mentor me and they harassed or bullied me instead. I did it on my own, I pulled nights, I pulled weekends, I worked 14 hours a day, I studied endlessly and I became better paid, more accomplished and acclaimed than those who seeked to either bully me away from any progress or groom me into being a stay at home bangmaid with a spring of abuse on the side.

While some of the conditions we face may be harder, it's not the end. It was hard for me to climb. Combined with depression and abuse my whole life, there were days when I thought I couldn't do it. But in the end I got into a place where I'm happy with my knowledge and career and I'm not carrying bitterness around anymore.

Working in a company that has a normal HR department also helped - I wouldn't want to work in a 5 people company any more - the men who hurt us get a free pass because it's a boys club and they stick together. So many times the company owners just watched the employees harass me and did nothing, even told me to communicate better (the classic). Not interested in that ever again in my life. If you're in a place where you feel unsafe, ignored and invalidated, don't be ashamed to look for a new job.

penelopekitty · 2021-05-15T23:27:16+00:00

This is how it is. The only way things will change is if women start companies and hire and support other women. We cannot look to men to be mentors and help us move forward in our careers. I'm 53 years old and have been at this for a long time.

EclecticBarbarella · 2021-05-15T21:55:03+00:00

There are companies out there with better culture but they are admittedly rare. My own company is a bit frustrating (I don’t get discriminated against like that but I do feel like more of the work automatically falls to me because I’m competent and will do it and most of my coworkers are infantile morons) but a company I work very closely with has somehow done an amazing job of only hiring men that aren’t like this (or can at least keep it fully hidden). In the two years I’ve worked closely with them I’ve never seen something that even hinted at anything appropriate or discriminatory from anyone at the company, which is impressive.

I am still in a male dominated field but it’s shifting more toward equality every day. Prior to this job I was in construction and it was… bad. I fought for 7 years to be taken seriously at the yard I was at and despite numerous awards, recognitions, etc from the corporate level, the individual fuckwads that I worked with continued to be discriminatory and demeaning. So I left. I’m all for fighting the good fight but at a certain point it was costing me more energy than it was worth because they were being strategically antagonistic and making my life harder than it needed to be on a daily basis. It sucks because in a way it feels like they “won”, but at the same time I also don’t win sticking around in a place that is exhausting by it’s very nature. So I found a better job/field with more opportunity and better pay and I quit. But this is 100% part of how they keep us in a corner, my last boss would keep me busy with grunt work and complain if I took any time to try to learn something new I would be reprimanded. He hired someone who was supposed to work under me but ended up constantly giving the guy “exceptions” to work on special projects that let him do paid training almost every day. The VP of my department had offered to train me off the clock (he was gay, and the only one who saw what was going on) before our boss vetoed it (for special treatment). Then our boss pulled a senior tech to specially train new guy on the same stuff he’d vetoed me getting trained on. Then he told me during a review that I wasn’t picking things up at the same pace as new guy and I needed to work on that (in my off time) so I quit and enjoyed watching him beg me to come back because he knew deep down that I was the only one who actually got shit done for clients.

Inspection-Critical · 2021-05-15T23:05:12+00:00

Haven't seen this suggestion yet: do you have a women's network in your industry?

There's almost always women-only networking/mastermind groups in every industry. Also, there's high-ranking female VIPs in every field. Go find both.

I did this in my field and it's been a godsend.

sjefsiljuuus · 2021-05-15T22:06:01+00:00

While I know this is really unacceptable behaviour from your co workers and your boss, I also know that just because you are woman, you can lose your job by telling about this to your boss.

Normally I would advise you to tell your boss about the situation. Before you choose to do this, figure as much as you can about your rights. Your mentors did on purpose sabotage you, to keep you down and more dependent on them. Do you have the possibility to consult with a laywer about this, because by not taking action when he saw you getting sexual harrassed to mention one thing, he did not do his job as a boss to interfere and sexual harrassment is illegal, which your boss should be aware off. You are on purpose forced to keep doing basic things which would reduce your chances to get more experience and promotion, more salary and more benefits. After some time, this will affect you and have consequences. Also, when the time comes, I am sure the men will be last one to lose their jobs, you may be the first one to lose your job. You only know the basic things, therefore you are easy to replace. Men does not like to be challanged by women in their field, and istead to help you grow and become more experienced in the field, they make sure to know and do anything they can to have you at the bottum. I am not sure if you gain anything by telling your boss about it, but I would like to advise you to do so if its safe for you to do it.

On the other hand, you are talking about something that has a big part of your life and your time - your job. By gettin treated so differently from your coworkers, not getting challenges and more experienced, to do the same repetive tasks every day, your mental health will for certain be affected negativetly by this. No job is worth staying in if it affects your health negativetly. While I do know you have to have a job in today society to be able to survive, you cannot be in this job for a longer period of time if nothing is changing for you. You should not experience this at all, and it is saddening to learn this only happens because you are a woman. What would benefit your health, confidence and your self image while it also makes you more financially secure? Make sure to know you are prioritizing you and your needs, you should not out your job over your own health at any cost. If the field is interestning for you, can you find other jobs in the same field, another place? Are you able to work with something different? If you are unsure about what to do, always have a plan B and maybe look out for another job while you work in this job. If the day comes, when you decide to quit or you lose your job, you have at least options.

My last advise would to straight tell your co workers and your boss that this is not okay, confront them about their actions and set boundaries that should have been there from the beginning. If your boss doesnt intervine when you get assaulted and harrassed, you may have to set your boundaried by yourself. Maybe the men you work with doesnt believe you are able to speak up for yourself, and get surprised when you do. However, I am not sure if this would effective at all, but this is the last option I would advise you.

Whatever you choose to do, it has to be something that you feel safe to do. Get help if you are able to (laywer etc).

I hope this can be of any help. I dont live in the US so I dont know what rights an employe would have in situations like this, maybe it varies from state to state, job to job.

I wish you good luck and hope you know that this isnt your fault at all, never once believe this is your fault. Please take care of yourself as much as possible, its not okay at all that you experience this. If it affects you a lot, maybe a consluer can help you. Again, good luck with what you decide to do, I am cheering for you!

Lemon_bars_addiction · 2021-05-15T21:44:12+00:00

Hey, I’m an attractive woman in software dev so I know exactly how you feel. I’ve fought for years to be taken seriously (at one point had my own dev business but quit due to endless sexual harassment, something I now deeply regret)

Working for a company now that offers amazing pay and benefits and doing great with the exception of still not being taken as seriously as male colleagues. I’ve had to just keep pushing though and things are finally changing and I’m gaining more respect at work. It’s infuriating that it has to be this way but unfortunately it’s the world we live in.

Please don’t quit. I’ve taken it upon myself to keep teaching myself as there’s so many helpful online resources available. Perhaps you could do that to supplement what you should be learning on the job? And please don’t hesitate to report behavior like that. It’s the reason so many men get away with it but it sometimes takes one woman saying something for others to follow suit.

Heather619 · 2021-05-16T02:08:20+00:00

I work in a female-dominated field, but one placement was male-dominated. All of the other staff in my department were men and all of the clients were teenaged boys (mostly gang members or gang-affiliated).

Initially, I definitely got treated differently than my male co-worker who started the same time I did. My supervisor was twice my age, so his father instincts kicked in and he was a little worried about the boys somehow taking advantage of me or stealing things from my office. But once he saw that I have a more masculine personality (assertive, firm boundaries, dark humor), he wasn't so protective.

There was only one negative incident: He said something that I didn't like in a meeting. I sat him down, I talked to him about it. He acknowledged his error, apologized for the miscommunication, provided clarity, and said he was glad that I was confronted him about it.

CroneRaisedMaiden · 2021-05-15T22:59:08+00:00

I worked for a creep manager when I first left my blue collar job for a white collar job in the same industry. The women that were my peers either viewed me as a threat or were pickmes. I had a determination during my work floor days to learn as much as I could, knowledge is power, but men withhold it for nefarious purposes.

I got lucky and found one solid woman mentor, she’s since retired but I give her almost all of the credit in being my direct teacher. I am a titan in my field, logistics runs in my blood, I’m paying out of pocket pretty much for a degree to match and will be going further. I am respected, only once in the past 3 years have I had a man even attempt to hit on me and instead try to learn from me but this took being mean. “The gift of fear” and “why does he do that” were reading I did prior to my FDS days, I highly recommend it. I am the meanest woman alive (also a book by powerhouse lawyer Linda Smith who is amazing btw), and I am proud of it. HR will not help you, I went to them over legit harassment with my previously mentioned manager, I left for a department where I first worked for another woman and now an older man outside of my own ethnicity is my manager. I am one of two women and the only white woman in management in my department, I am thriving. I will work for headquarters someday and I’ve had numerous temporary assignments to lead departments of my own or projects that shaped the extremely large entity I work for.

Tenacity and learning the signs of men and how to destroy them, that’s how I’ve done it lol!

FDSGYARU · 2021-05-16T12:39:39+00:00

I always thought it was me and that I was doing something wrong.

So glad to learn about this now.

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