How to not feel insecure about someone I’m seeing?

sruslywhytho · 2021-09-14T15:13:53+00:00

“We’re still strangers…” - there should be more focus on this and less focus on the idealized version of him you’re creating in your head after a single date.

The only thing to do this early on is enjoy your dates and vet him. You’ve made him the prize which means you aren’t vetting at all. Trying to keep your cool and hoping to win his approval is a recipe for failure.

In the case that he’s not who he seems it leaves you vulnerable to miss all the red flags. And If he is an amazing HVM he’ll be confused as to why he’s not having to earn your trust and assume you’re a not a HVW yourself.

The fact that you feel guilty for Googling him (which is something done for your own basic safety) is not good.

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-09-14T14:32:08+00:00

You’re putting him on a pedestal. So what if he’s successful and donates to charity? So are plenty of others who are awful people. In fact over compensation can sometimes be a sign of trying to mask a truly abusive nature. See Mr. Sensitive or The Water Torturer in Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

That’s not to say he is one, but you have no idea if he isn’t either. Uneven power dynamics are an easy way for men to take advantage of women. If you are already struggling with feeling like he is above you, I don’t think you should be dating him because you are in a vulnerable position from the get go in wanting to impress him. Wanting to earn his approval and be enough, when it should be the other way around regardless of his status.

pickadaisy · 2021-09-14T15:11:17+00:00

You have inherent value as a woman, period. Doesn’t matter how great a guy seems. He also has to treat you well and contribute to your life. The fact that he’s successful in some life areas should only be another vetting expectation - does he make you feel secure, important, successful in your own right? How does he speak about himself and his own success? Does he recognize his areas for improvement? Etc etc.

moonlightpuddle · 2021-09-14T15:02:55+00:00

Don't idealize a relationship too early. You sound young, so dating can be exciting. Keep your head above your heart, and remember he will show you who he is through his actions. No need to be insecure, as long as you remember your many great qualities and strengths, as well!

All the best, don't doubt yourself just bc he seems like he has it all together!! 💗

millennialpink2000 · 2021-09-14T14:19:12+00:00

From the sounds of it, you may not be ready to date. I understand those feelings of insecurity, but the mere presence of those feelings tells me you might be better off focusing on yourself and decentering men for awhile. Then, instead of wondering why he's with you, your perspective will be focused on if you even like him. It's hard to properly vet when you think you're lucky to be with them

ho-chet · 2021-09-14T13:51:35+00:00

If you feel inadequate, stop seeing him, go to therapy, and work on your self esteem. You shouldn't be dating anyone until you're in the right headspace to do so.

Professional-Ad-457 · 2021-09-14T15:44:33+00:00

Snap! I went on a date with a handsome well known athlete from bumble recently! I get how you were feeling. I found myself subconsciously showing off a bit on the date but that could be because I really fancied him! I blocked him reluctantly because he started playing hot and cold. I think he uses bumble for sex. I can imagine from his profile that a lot of women would pursue him and sleep with him on the first date then inadvertently become part of his harem. Hope this works out for you but you just need to avoid being a pearl on a long string of pearls. Just trust your gut. Mine was telling me to block but yours could be giving you the green light because he’s your unicorn! 🤞

poppinkitty · 2021-09-14T15:08:44+00:00

If he seems too good to be true he's not. My ex-boyfriend was kinda like that. Super successful, well educated, did plenty of charity, well liked by everyone, everyone said he's the greatest guy ever..long story short..he tried to rape me and then threatened to leak my nudes. So never put any man on a pedestal girl. You never know a man.

Japanese_Lasagna · 2021-09-14T14:02:17+00:00

There is no harm in Googling someone. As for the “feeling inadequate” part, you aren’t, and right now you’re experiencing the first date buzz. It’ll wear off in time. He’s clearly interested in you. Just vet and be careful.

Hhjjuuy · 2021-09-14T16:05:25+00:00

Edit for clarification: I don’t feel bad for googling him; I feel bad that I found out about the family health stuff. He didn’t mention it so I assume it’s a more personal thing

This is absurd, it's not a personal thing at all. It sounds like it's a very open part of his public persona given that he's working to raise funds and writing articles about it. You're feel like it's a personal thing because you've created false intimacy with this guy, with this stranger and you're concocting an alternate reality where he would reveal this to you in an act of vulnerability that you've somehow fumbled by doing a very basic background check.

You need to read the handbook.

And it's probably best to end it with this guy. Maybe he really is great, it doesn't matter. You can't completely turn around a relationship that you've started out in such a bad way.

s_slayer · 2021-09-14T16:06:05+00:00

I'm in a serious relationship with a man who is a top ranking athlete in his sport and I frequently feel inadequate because I've gained 20 lbs since we met 16 months ago. He thinks I'm sexy and beautiful but I am very frustrated because he can eat anything and still be so toned and fit and I can diet my ass off and lose nothing. I've relaxed lately and he reassures me often that I'm perfect the way I am but the insecurities still creep in. I also envy that he's had this lifelong passion and, well, I kind of don't have any passions other than cooking but I've not been doing so much of that since I got covid and too tired for a lot of things even months later. To see him so full of energy is such a blessing but it also highlights my lack of it. I would just say give him a chance, I did with my guy and he's treated me better than any man ever has. He's never acted better than me, in fact he worships me and is constantly pointing out all my qualities, which I'm sure you also have many of, so just try to relax and enjoy your times with him, you might have met your match, don't let insecurities ruin that for you!

Shehyzers · 2021-09-14T14:14:49+00:00

He doesn’t want a clone of himself. He won’t care if you do the same sport as him or on the same level athletically. Don’t build him up to be a superhero either, he sounds like a great guy, but he’s still human and will have his own flaws, insecurities, and imperfect behaviors.

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