HVM or nah?

quarterlyavocado · 2020-12-17T04:40:08+00:00

I have talked to him about it and he has been a SMIDGE better about saying ILY and giving compliments more, but

If he wanted to, he would. If he wanted to keep you and not risk losing you, he would comply with a ridiculously easy request like that. It costs $0 to compliment someone you’re allegedly in love with

but will talk about wanting to own a lake house with his brother

If you’re in a long term relationship and envision that person in your future, you dream about making a home with your future wife. NOT your brother.

In my opinion, it’s time to leave

ferociouslycurious · 2020-12-17T04:41:27+00:00

It’s good you’re asking these questions. It sounds like you’re making progress, and recognizing that he has these limitations is part of your progress. I think you can do better. Both of your concerns are telling. I wasted 13 years with a man who couldn’t talk about those things. He just ended up mad at me because he couldn’t recognize his own feelings.

whokilledhydra · 2020-12-17T04:41:52+00:00

Am I looking for emotional depth and connection in men that just doesn't exist

I think you answered your own question in the next sentence- a man who is secure about his feelings does not shy away from speaking about them. He is not only reluctant, it actually irritates him. I would not be able to trust someone like that.

Platipus6 · 2020-12-17T04:39:43+00:00

What were your previous relationships like?

Did they start out love bombing, future faking and making empty promises? Did you get used to living in this fake, fantasy future and feeling the high of anticipation, instead of enjoying the now?

Maybe this guy isn't trying to hook you like that, which is a good thing.

But maybe he has no plans at all for the future, and is content to string you along like this as a forever girlfriend.

Set your own timeline for him to escalate the relationship to your goals. If you prod him, you'll never know if he's genuine. If he hasn't mentioned *anything* within another few weeks, *knowing commitment is important to you*, just pull back and make your exit.

He also doesn't seem to be on your wavelength regarding being verbally generous, and you'll always feel neglected in this area, which will lead to resentment and addiction.

You should be feeling safe, loved and fulfilled, not always craving more.

AbundantOverflow · 2020-12-17T04:45:53+00:00

I'm curious about your age and his (this may explain his reluctance to daydream about the future), but generally, he sounds emotionally unavailable. Men like this tend to put on a good show in the early days but not be able to form deep, long lasting relationships because they can't connect or be vulnerable beyond a certain point.

At the very least, I'd pull way back but I'd probably end this. It's very easy to drift into codependency and being the moderator of the relationship with men like him. If he's not meeting your needs, whether he is HV or LV is irrelevant. You deserve to have your needs met.

PinkBlair99 · 2020-12-17T04:40:34+00:00

If you have to ask, you already know the answer

EclecticBarbarella · 2020-12-17T04:44:53+00:00

How old are both of you? I feel like the timeline of when you start discussing future things varies slightly depending on whether you’re teens/early twenties and shouldn’t necessarily be in a huge rush to commit versus thirties and up where people should know what they want and be trying to make the future happen. It’s hard to tell but if you’re his first gf are you guys younger?

(Also I just perused your profile for a second to see if I could see your age there and went “oh she’s 38... wait J? What? Oh that’s not her age” and then started laughing so hard I woke my cat up 😂😂😂😂😂)

honeybeeroll · 2020-12-17T05:37:13+00:00

"Anything that seems to force him to look inwards and emotionally check in with himself seems to irritate him."

Think about what being w/ a man who lacks insight into himself and finds it irritating to engage with himself will be like. Do you want to date someone who isn't willing to do these things?

Also on this :" He doesn't really give me many compliments" I feel you on this. 6 months in is when you should be receiving a ton of compliments. I was briefly seeing a guy months ago who seemed compatible with me in some seriously important ways, but he almost never complimented how I looked, or complimented me in general. He was respectful to me but he was just lacking something I expect from a partner. I told my married friend he hadn't said I looked pretty or beautiful or anything and she was like yeah if I was in your shoes, I'd drop a guy for that alone. A man should know to compliment all parts of you, body and mind, you can't make him do it. And asking him to kind of defeats the purpose. Compliments do drop off when you're together for a long time, as in a few years. That's why you want a relationship to start with a ton of steam. You want it to start at like 200% so when it goes down over time, it does down to 100% still, not below.

The fact that he's giving you a lot of anxiety - pay attention to that. Be brutally honest with yourself if these issues are going to get better over time, be brutally honest if he's everything you want from your dream partner. The answer could be yes or no, just as long as you're honest about what YOU want and how you want a relationship to make you feel.

2020-12-17T05:41:07+00:00

I know you don't want to hear this but he's not that into you.

You shouldn't have anxiaty about your future with a partner. You should feel secure and happy. If someone struggles with doing something that is absolutely free and takes no effort, like giving complements, I think it speaks volumes. And having to ask someone to say I love you to you, shows that he can't force himself to do it because he doesn't feel it

Time_Attention_1182 · 2020-12-17T05:05:51+00:00

This is what I would say.

I need you to say ILY and compliment me more often. Like xyz times more often. I need this because it provides this xyz emotional need ( explain): it makes me feel safe, wanted, less anxious etc etc

For example, I need to hear you say xyz , like the other day. But I need it regularly ( specify what that means for you )

What do you need from me so that you do this from me?

( maybe he ll need examples of how that looks like, maybe he ll need reminders ( NOT OK!!) maybe he ll need for you to role play it .

Then set a timeline. Like another commenter said.

Don’t neglect these needs, but DO give him very clear ask and directions. If he s hvm but without much skill in this area he ll catch on. Otherwise, neeeext.

Title	HVM or nah?
Author	kamace11
Upvotes	11
Comments	22
Date	December 17, 2020 4:19 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/keq5el/hvm_or_nah/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/hvm-or-nah.470213 https://theredarchive.com/post/470213

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