FYI I am relatively new to FDS (found it about a year ago, after I had already been with my current partner) and while I have been trying to adopt the FDS-way of life, I would definitely say I am a recovering pick-me. I am trying really hard to look at things objectively to see things how they really are, and not with rose-colored glasses anymore.

Before I got with my current partner, I happily wore short skirts and never shaved my legs. I wore tank tops without shaving my underarms. I went bra-less or wore bras that were not pushup nor had underwire. I wore makeup when I wanted to, and got rid of all my heels because I don’t like my feet hurting. These are just my preferences. I am in NO WAY saying you are bad if you like these things! I understand the appeal, but I have come to terms that I just don’t feel like myself when I wear those things. I am actually a rather feminine person otherwise, I like girly clothing, dresses, and accessories, I love skincare, makeup, and perfume, I love the color pink and sparkles. I have traditionally feminine hobbies like cooking, baking, and sewing.

But, I feel like I am literally ‘performing’ for him so that I meet the idea in his head of what he thinks I should be. I want to be me, and loved regardless. Why is that too much to ask? I do enjoy the occasional fancy date where I do want to wear heels, and shave my legs if I feel like it and want to. What I DON’T like is feeling like I need to do these sorts of things everyday, they just feel like a burden that I don’t want. I feel like I went backwards, I was happy and free to do as I pleased and not feel guilty.

BTW, our relationship is basically already over due to other reasons, and I am in the process of recognizing everything that is wrong and not good for me in this relationship, this aspect is just one of them.

I just want some support. I’m working on solidifying my resolve to break up and move back home. It’s not an excuse but I am not in my home country and I literally do not have any friends physically here, and I feel like these things are making it so much harder for me to just leave than it has been for me before in other relationships.