I should open by saying that I really enjoy this community. I find it so positive and empowering, and even though I'm married, I come here regularly to remind myself to keep on with my Queen shit. I used to put up with a lot from mediocre men because I didn't know any better. I thought my standards were high. They were not.

It wasn't until I met my husband that I finally realized the difference between a LV and HV man. I thought the guys I was dating were HV because they paid for dates or helped out or spent time with my family. The truth is that ANYBODY can pay for a date, but that doesn't make someone HV. Sometimes LV behaviour and HV behaviour can look the same, until you look closer:

A LVM will pick you up from the bar after you go out drinking with your friends. He'll complain about it and whine that he doesn't want to drive them home. He'll ask you if you were hitting on guys and he may blow up your phone while you're out with passive-aggressive bullshit. He'll make it clear that picking you up was a "favour" and you should be grateful and that it won't happen all the time. You'll have to remind him that he agreed to it, and he'll be annoyed that he had to take 30 minutes out of his evening of gaming to come and get you.

A HVM will pick you up from the bar after you go drinking with your friends. In fact, he'll volunteer immediately when you tell him your plans for Saturday night. He'll want to make sure your friends get home safely. He'll respond if you text him but will mostly encourage you to go have fun. If he's early, he'll let you know that he's waiting but doesn't expect you to stop partying the minute he shows up, or he'll pop in to buy everyone a round, even though he isn't drinking. If you get distracted and leave a bit late, he might be concerned, but he'll be understanding because hey - it happens! He'll want to know if you had fun. He'll make it clear that he was happy to take 30 minutes out of his evening to support you.

A LVM will help around the house. He'll need you to tell him exactly what to do and when to do it, though, because he doesn't really care. When you do tell him, he'll get annoyed. He will probably forget, and when you point it out to him, he'll get pissed that you're "nagging". He'll do a bad job and when you ask him to do it better, he'll have a tantrum and proclaim that he's never doing it again. You'll do 80% of the housework but he'll claim you split it "pretty evenly". He will make fun of your standards and belittle you for being "so uptight". If you suggest hiring a cleaning service, he'll freak out at the cost and insinuate that you're lazy.

A HVM will help around the house. He doesn't need you to tell him exactly what to do and when to do it, but he may check with you if you have certain priorities. He recognizes when he's being lazy, apologizes, and tries to do better. If he doesn't know how to do something, he owns it and tries to improve. If you ask him to do something he usually does it; if he forgets and you remind him, he feels regret and gets it done. He may not personally care about getting the housework done a specific way, but if it's important to you then he makes it important to him. You're still probably going to do 60% of the housework (or maybe he's a unicorn and you really are splitting it 50/50) but if you ask him he will immediately acknowledge everything you do. He will try to take on other tasks in order to make the division of labour more fair. He'll suggest and happily pay for a housekeeper, because he knows you are not a maid.

A LVM will spend time with your family. He'll complain that he doesn't want to go and will be miserable while he's there. He'll try to leave ASAP. He doesn't make any effort to be pleasant with your family and if you ask him to bring something he will balk at spending $20 on a nice bottle of wine. Afterwards, he will make it extremely clear that this was another "favour", and you owe him, and yes - he IS keeping score.

A HVM will spend time with your family. He'll be warm and pleasant with them, even if he doesn't particularly like them. He'll offer to help cook or do dishes, ask what he can bring because he wants to get something nice, and won't rush you to leave. He will tell you (privately) if he has concerns about their toxic behaviour, because he cares about you. He expects to go with you to most family events because that's how you behave in a loving relationship. He makes it clear that this isn't a favour and he doesn't keep score. He thinks he's doing the bare minimum.

Nobody is perfect, of course. My husband makes mistakes and gets lazy sometimes, but his baseline standards are so much higher that "screwing up" takes on a whole new meaning. In the past, my boyfriends "screwed up" by, say, 'accidentally' 'letting' a girl give them a blowjob in her car (true story!). My husband "screws up" by bringing home the wrong flavour of chip when I've had a bad day, or forgetting a dish when he's loading the dishwasher. It's embarrassing to admit that I didn't always know the difference. Learn from my mistakes!