I’ve read the handbook front to back and reverse. Still need some guidance.

EclecticBarbarella · 2020-12-13T17:34:15+00:00

Depends on what it’s rooted in. Are you considered man hating for being cautious that you might get assaulted or raped? Because that is a real possibility and any man who is sympathetic to what we go through won’t be offended by you being realistic and cautious. I used to get told I was a man hater and needed to open up more. Those same men then tried to take advantage of me in inappropriate situations and reinforced what I had initially believed. If you’re just inexplicably hating a man that’s proved himself consistently reliable and HV over the years then I’d look into therapy, but it isn’t “man-hating” to be realistic and honest about shit that sucks about some of them. Who cares if it isn’t “attractive”? I’m not trying to be attractive at the risk of my own health and safety. Anyone who finds being cautious unattractive is likely a predator. “Not all men”... but an overwhelming number.

ASeaOfQuotes · 2020-12-13T17:45:26+00:00

Being guarded isn’t a masculine trait, it’s just smart. It’s about protecting yourself, your property, your family, etc. I think it’s great you want to be more open, but it doesn’t have to be in opposition of protecting yourself.

This is a great article about being guarded you might find some gems in: https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-being-guarded-isnt-such-a-bad-thing/

Marigold-ink · 2020-12-13T19:29:58+00:00

Guarded = masculine is the patriarchy talking. Stop listening.

For the projection bit, stop dating. You’re not ready yet. Keep working on you. Don’t be in a rush. You’re only 21 and your prefrontal cortex hasn’t finished maturing yet. Your brain is still going through puberty until you reach 25. (Have you checked out FDS’s self-help book list? It’s extensive. You have lots to keep you busy until 25.)

As for the “man hater” part, hate to break it to you, but in current times, anything less than pandering to men’s egos is seen as hateful. Only LVM love being pandered to. A HVM would not be offended by a woman who is guarded, puts her safety over any man’s ego, holds her agency over her body autonomy and when she feels comfortable to engage in physical intimacy.

needsmoresilk · 2020-12-13T18:34:57+00:00

Hi sis, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot in a very short time. It tends to make us guarded, highly pragmatic, and to the point (this can seem dismissive to some).

I was like you in my early 20s. I was also consumed with anger and had difficulty listening to anyone who wasn’t saying what I wanted to hear. Really, what I wanted was love.

Getting better at listening to others, being empathetic and loving, isn’t something you develop overnight. It takes practice. It takes practice loving yourself, forgiving yourself, and taking it easy on yourself FIRST.

When you become more comfortable giving yourself that love and empathy, you’ll find love and empathy for others flowing out of you. And you’ll be genuinely interested in hearing what they have to say. Because the raging voice in your head keeping you distant, guarded, and constantly suspicious will be blessedly quiet. This is the best advice I can give because it was what worked for me.

*this is not to say you shouldn’t be rightfully guarded and distant with especially those who can hurt you (eg men). But you’ll be able to turn it off when the situation calls for it. It’ll be a tool in your toolbox rather than a rigid part of your personality.

randomgirlimok · 2020-12-13T18:31:48+00:00

I think you should be your real self instead of faking it.

redbirdflies · 2020-12-13T19:34:34+00:00

I can relate to this so much as I have also fended for myself since the age of 17 and it gave me a hard edge that I’ve been able to blunt over time, but it rises up when I feel threatened or anxious

First off, you need to know that there is nothing wrong with having healthy boundaries and maintaining those boundaries. Protect yourself without guilt for doing so and drop anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries

Self care is THE most important thing in this situation. YOU come first

Talk therapy can help. Meditation is also very helpful.

Work on increasing your compassion and empathy. One thing I highly recommend is volunteering to help others. This is the one thing that helped me finally turn the corner in increasing my ability to connect with others in a healthy way.

AdmiralRando · 2020-12-13T22:20:21+00:00

Taking care of yourself is not a masculine trait. It’s just adulting. Good job. I spent my twenties prostrating myself to the patriarchy, so you are ahead of the game, my friend.

Anecdotally, the guy I’m with now and I decided to sit down and watch the movie “Sideways” the other day. This is an artsy-fartsy movie from awhile back that got good reviews and we were both nominally aware of, but hadn’t gotten around to watching. It’s basically the story of a wine-loving NVM and his ridiculous best-friend-from-college going on a bachelor party/road trip. They both end up dating new women on the way. The main NVM (played wonderfully by Paul Giamatti) ends up with a beautiful, knowledgeable, educated, loving woman as the credits roll. My dude spontaneously exclaimed “wow. Men are shit.”

Good men know that men are shit. They won’t argue with your man-hating ways. They know very well that men put women through hell and will actively make sure that YOU are ok in a relationship. You won’t need to ask.

Good luck out there, but don’t be in too much of a hurry. Hold out for a man that makes your life better, not worse.

UnstrirringCoffee · 2020-12-13T18:22:08+00:00

Who is saying you come across as a man?

Title	I’ve read the handbook front to back and reverse. Still need some guidance.
Author	Inevitable_Soft_101
Upvotes	50
Comments	14
Date	December 13, 2020 5:29 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/kcema8/ive_read_the_handbook_front_to_back_and_reverse/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/ive-read-the-handbook-front-to-back-and-reverse.530016 https://theredarchive.com/post/530016

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