Justice

NAthrowaway0613 · 2021-08-21T13:31:14+00:00

First, just because you didn’t leave doesn’t mean you told him it’s okay. He’s an adult, he knows.

Second, you can still file a police report and press charges. Your lawyer can sometimes subpoena your cell provider if they store copies of correspondence (which I believe they might). You can also allow your therapist to submit your records as evidence (but your lawyer may advise against that depending on what else is in those records), and your family can likely testify as an outcry witness. Now, this may never be enough for him to be convicted, but there can be healing in just facing your attacker in court. Also, sometimes the fact that he was even arrested and tried will tarnish his reputation enough.

You can also sue him civilly. You can sue him for assault and intentional infliction of emotional distress. You will likely need a medical diagnosis (anxiety, PTSD, etc), but those are both typical after assaults. Civil cases have a lower burden of proof. It’s still hard, and it’s hard to get money, but still sometimes just worth it for bringing his ass to court.

You can also do both. Even if he’s not convicted criminally, he still can lose a civil case. If he is convicted of criminal charges, your civil case became easier.

No matter what you choose, it’s the right decision. You just need to do what you need to do to heal.

spicyspa · 2021-08-21T13:22:26+00:00

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. You will recover in time.

FYI, there is software that can retrieve deleted phone messages. I've done that before I think via Phonepaw but there are others.

strainedcrow · 2021-08-21T13:38:23+00:00

It’s been a few years now and I’ll say that desire does fade and doesn’t eat at you as much. All I was told is that “it won’t work” by everyone on Reddit, family, friends, blah blah. Part of me regrets not trying. The more society tells us “it won’t work” the less it will continue to be reported. Like, I would have done it had I not been influenced by people telling me not to. You have the desire for this justice for a reason. And it’s worth it. It may not turn out how you want it to, but IMO, it’s still all worth it. Giving him that stress and headache, taking up his time, at least potentially putting him on the radar if someone else comes in to report him. Two unrelated accusations without proof would be very suspicious.

We can’t control the actions the police take, decisions judges makes, etc but we can control our own. I would wholeheartedly encourage you to do it, coming from someone who should have but didn’t bc no one told me to. I really think women need to start encouraging women to go through with it and then offer support knowing how shitty the system is. I’m scared they won’t take you seriously and it will leave you disappointed. But I don’t want that to dissuade us anymore bc the more it’s reported, the better, even if the outcome is lame. It’s not a waste of time. Can you believe people even say that to women? Imagine if someone saw someone commit murder and people told them, “you’ve got no proof, it’s not worth it.” I wouldn’t hold it against any woman who doesn’t report but I strongly encourage women, collectively, to shift our perspective on this and make the report regardless of the outcome.

I’m so sorry about what you went through and what you’re still dealing with now. I hope time helps ease the stress, no matter what happens. At the core it’s true that you cannot control his decisions and even if you did report it he could potentially continue freely abusing others. So to me, I look at that as, you have nothing to lose. Maybe other than your time and effort. But even that is not lost, bc maybe it will help heal you knowing you took care of yourself the way a parent would their child (‘of course we are going to report him!’).

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-08-21T15:07:56+00:00

I reported it and you would be looking at years of bullshit. And that's if the cops don't tell you to fuck off right away. Your chances of getting him on any kind of registry are probably zero. There is almost zero interest among the police and district attorneys to prosecute men who rape their partners. Mine confessed twice and the police still wouldn't charge him. They still turned on me and abused me and violated my privacy and violated my rights and told me I deserved it. I was pretty much flat out told that if I have vaginal sex with a man that he gets to anally rape me and they don't care.

You can go ahead and file but they will likely just ignore you. If they do choose to go forward with the case though, you have no rights. Zero. He's the one who has the rights. You have to pay for your own lawyer out-of-pocket. That's thousands and thousands of dollars. Do not trust the rape victim advocate. They might sell you a good line and seem like they really care but bottom line is they have to play nice with the police or they get totally shut out of proceedings because they have zero power. That's what mine did to me. But all of these people did to me psychologically was far far worse than being raped and I've never recovered.

At some point they will also essentially inform him that you turned him in for rape. Then you have to worry about him coming after you. If you try to file a restraining order because there was physical violence in your relationship there's a big chance you won't get it. And they won't give you a restraining order for rape at least not where I live. I was told that didn't count as violence.

Many of these men use their friends, family and social media to bully their victim relentlessly. The police may or may not do anything. Sometimes there's nothing they can do if it's his friends and not him. That's what these men are adept at doing, getting others to do their dirty work and coming out clean.

Tread very carefully.

I lived with the fear of my rapist showing up on my doorstep to attack me for years. There was zero protection. It's been almost a decade and I still watch every car that parks in front of my house or pulls into my driveway and every person who comes to my door.

This decision is way bigger than getting him on a registry. I also found out in my area that unless they rape a kid these dudes do not go on to the public registry. Literally they do not get put on for raping a woman even if it was a stranger. The list was only pedophiles. So in the end all the suffering I went through was for absolutely nothing at all.

As for civil court good luck getting a lawyer. Some jurisdictions require you to have a lawyer and if you're going to court for rape you need a lawyer. Some jurisdictions also require you to go through mediation face-to-face with your rapist and abuser before they will let you go to court. Unless he's rich it is very unlikely you will get a lawyer to take this case. That means paying out-of-pocket probably like 15 grand from what I've heard.

I think your counselor was remiss in her duty to you to throw this option out there like it was even possible.

I never recovered from what all these people did to me, from the things I saw and learned. I still don't feel safe. I was shown exactly how little protection I have and it was even less than I thought. Oh and the police are mostly just rapists. That's who you will be reporting your rape to. And don't trust female officers, they get in and stay in the police department by disidentifying with women and identifying with men which means they'll screw you.

I also tried to sue the police department for what they did to me in the way they handled my case. You don't have a flying pigs chance in hell with that. I tried to report them as well but I was told that unless they murdered someone or almost murdered someone that there was nothing to report. I was told I couldn't report for being "upset" and "wahh! The police weren't nice!".

shutup201 · 2021-08-21T13:50:41+00:00

I think you should do whatever you feel is going to make you feel better. If you move forward with reporting this and it's too rough, you can drop it at any point. Whatever you decide, I really wish you comfort, and I hope you overcome this trauma. Narcissistic abuse is pure retrospective hell.

Inspection-Critical · 2021-08-21T16:41:20+00:00

I feel so much guilt that I didn’t leave after the sexual assault bc it taught him it was ok.

You didn't "teach" him anything. He's a fucking adult who knew better but did it anyway.

I'm sure you were dealing with the shock of his abuse and it impacted your ability to leave right away. That reaction is very normal.

Don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong.

EDIT:

To be clear, reactions to abuse are well documented in the medical community. Not leaving right away isn't a sign of weakness or flawed character, it's a medically recognized trauma reaction. This is science talking, not a question of intelligence. Your body and mind were reacting exactly as expected according to medical and domestic violence professionals.

Nobody would blame you for symptoms/reactions you had to having cancer. This is no different.

blueboobs- · 2021-08-21T16:57:27+00:00

There is an Instagram account called @predators_confronted that allows women to anonymously expose their rapists and abusers.

https://instagram.com/predators_confronted?utm_medium=copy_link

Title	Justice
Author	Wild_Artio
Upvotes	93
Comments	15
Date	August 21, 2021 1:09 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/p8r64q/justice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/justice.1059542 https://theredarchive.com/post/1059542

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