Title is self-explanatory but this is something that took me years to understand. I used to CoMmUnIcAtE with men till my face turned blue, often begging them for the most basic things. I wasted so much of my time and precious brain power to find a way to talk to them gently, earnestly, and honestly, sharing how I felt. I thought that if I just found the right way to phrase something, then it would work out.

I begged my male roommates to shoot me a text whenever they wanted to bring someone over because we were in the middle of pandemic and I didn't want a lot of people over. They did it only half the time. I begged my male friends to let me know at LEAST TWO days in advance if they wanted to schedule a time with me to help them with their homework (I know, I know. Raging pickme when I was helping these clowns do their homework). They would wave me off, then the night before the homework was due they'd call me in tears of panic asking for help even when I was already busy doing my own shit.

I begged my male coworkers to smoke outside because the smoke would give me a headache and that it wasn't the 1950s anymore. They would nod and then continue to do it.

No more. Fuck that. This is the new strategy:

I'll inform them of my boundary once (MAXIMUM twice). If they continue to do it, I'll let them experience the consequences of their actions. They can cry me a river for all I care.

Example case study:

A male friend of mine borrowed money during the start of the pandemic because he had lost his job. When I was lending him the money I EXPLICITLY told him that for me it was very important that someone continues to communicate to me about their status and let me know their payback plan. I didn't care so much about the money as keeping me informed. Something like, hey I don't think I'll be able to find a job within the next 3 months, but let me call you again in June, and I can let you know what my job situation is then. Then once I find a job I'll pay you back in parts about x amount a month till I pay it all off.

He nodded and told me of course he'd keep in touch and that he would pay me back the full amount by the end of December of 2020 for sure as he had money coming in from his investments. Come December and he's just not really communicating. I text and ask him if he needs more time and he's being extremely vague and nonchalant about it.

I was banking on that money as he had assured me he'd pay me back and ended up having to take out money from my emergency savings. I let him know how frustrated I was with his bad communication style. Get a full on dismissal of my feelings.

Come January and I get a call from him out of nowhere, he's paying me back 1/4 of the debt. That's great! I am happy, but again I let him know that I need a plan from now on. He says that he'll find a job soon and start paying me back, again refusing to let me know the details, dates, expectations, or setting up a phone-call in advance.

Then he disappears for 3 months. I text him saying our friendship is over and not because he didn't pay me back, but because he refuses to communicate a payback plan to me. He instantly apologizes, saying he was sick with covid and I wasn't the only one who was pissed at him but still...no plan.

Disappears again. Then he texts me in August "hey, how are you?"

I respond to the text saying I am doing good. He reads my message and doesn't respond. At this point, I realize that it would be better for me to cut him off.

I text him:

"How many times have I asked you to communicate a plan to me? Just to be clear, a vague 'hello, how are you?' every few months does NOT count as communication. You can take your 'hello, how are you's and shove them somewhere where the sun don't shine. It's obvious you don't give a shit about my feelings and I don't need friends like that. Goodbye."

Then deleted and blocked. I honestly wasn't expecting anything. I just didn't want somebody this flaky in my life. Yeah it was painful to lose the remaining amount he owed me, but at this point I figured it was better to let that money go. I considered it to be an expensive life lesson.

Lo and behold, he frantically texts me from a different number saying he values our friendship and he fully intends to pay me back. He has been working on it for months now. I said "if you want our friendship back, then make a damn plan. I am not a mindreader, I can't tell what you're thinking. If you've been wanting to pay me back then SHOW it to me through your actions."

He immediately changes his tune and tells me the exact dates, times, deadlines, and amounts...It took me over a year to get that out of him. I remain skeptical, but at this point I am rather unattached to the outcome. I am just watching his actions as the deadline for the first payment is fast approaching. If he doesn't pay me back though, no biggie. He's back in the block and delete. If he does, then great, I can use that money to treat myself. I have already let it go. But the important thing is, I am never lending money to him ever again and he's learned his lesson. Even if he does pay me back, in my mind I've already moved him from my inner circle to just an acquaintance.

Just a tip ladies, if you find yourself in a position where you're begging someone for the most basic things, you're already in a losing situation. (Also, if you find yourself constantly having to defend someone or make excuses for them, that's another red flag). Cut your losses and run, while you still can.

Thank you for FDS for teaching me to find disrespect unattractive. Before, I would have been crying at the prospect of having to cut someone off. Now, when someone is consistently disrespectful, I instantly lose any interest in them as a friend/romantic partner. There are 7 billion humans on this planet. There are so many beautiful friendships and bonds out there waiting to be discovered. Why would you pick shit when there's honey available?