Looking through my notes of this relationshit I ended, from the VERY BEGINNING I knew he didn’t care. He did everything in his power to convince me to keep taking advantage of me. And I stayed so much longer, that I gaslit myself and my needs and now I’m REELING from the self abandonment. From the VERY BEGINNING it felt like something was not only off, but uncomfortable and unsafe. Is this pickmeishaitis? Or trauma? I’m pretty sure bc I slept w him way too early I stayed. Bc he gave me great orgasms and his affection in those moments convinced me it was love. I know that’s just fuckboi oxytocin but after a year of it... I’m just so confused I can’t even focus on anything and am sick to the point of vomiting and can’t eat and I honestly just wish he would die bc it’d make it easier.

I cannot believe that twice a month for a year I was writing about how he’d fail to address things I discussed, would invalidate my feelings, reverse the blame, send me a crumb, deny. I feel so sick from this. So sick.

The last time I hurt this bad was from a narcissistic abuser. I feel so desperate to stop the pain that this small part of me is telling me to go back on the apps as distraction but I know that won’t help me. But after a narcissistically abusive relationship, working on myself w the wound so fresh is almost impossible bc the rumination is making it incredibly hard to focus at all. I hate him so much I hope he just dies.

It’s hard to admit it was all a goddamn lie. From the beginning. I fooled myself. He tricked me. I am in therapy, an art therapist and a regular one. The art therapist was somewhat helpful but seemed to slightly dismiss the level of pain I was in, saying he was just simply emotionally unavailable. But don’t emotionally unavailable men still have the ability to empathize and take responsibility? My other therapist basically gaslit me while in the relationship. I was DARVO’d constantly by this guy and I blew up on vacation just dropping truth bombs (I know I need to Hearn the dumb fox credo, realize men aren’t shiiiiit.) My therapist told me that it was bc I wasn’t vocalizing my own needs that I blew up and that the blow up was just me punishing myself. Told me if I wanted to make it work I should say that. It ultimately just culminated to the worst possible way to end things. Bc I took the blame, his darvo is even stronger.

I want to pull out my hair.

Any words of wisdom to offer?

How can I level up when I’m stuck in such a painful cycle of ruminating?