Need recommendations for understanding psychology/behaviours

Lost_Kale90 · 2021-09-27T17:37:43+00:00

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft

How to Spot a Dangerous Man by Sandra Brown

These two are a must read! Also in the FDS Handbook they list lots of resources for more learning.

Platipus6 · 2021-09-27T22:19:50+00:00

The books "Character Disturbance" and "Wolf in Sheep's Clothing" by George K Simon were way better at explaining bad behaviour than anything else I've read about narcissism. Videos etc on narcissism seem to blather on about ego, self-esteem, shadow self, the veil, blah blah.

Who cares. They do predictable behaviours and give predictable bullshit excuses when they're caught. They don't care who they harm. They're goal oriented. That's all you need to know.

When meeting new people, check for this

sense of entitlement - they feel Entitled to special treatment, that the rules don't apply, that other people shouldn't have boundaries and they should be allowed to do what they want because they're special, unique, amazing etc
low empathy - they struggle with theory of mind (that you have your own thoughts and you exist and do stuff while they're not looking at you), they cannot put themselves in other people's shoes and imagine they have their own reactions, preferences, hurt feelings etc which leads to callous behaviour

CoffeeCakeGod · 2021-09-27T18:35:12+00:00

When meeting new people it's harder, because narcissists who are on their game will be aware you're looking for flags and change themselves.

Things to look out for would be them making decisions for you without consulting you, for example, if you go out to eat and they order appetizers for your table without consulting what you like. It's a small test to see if you will just go with their decisions that will lead to them repeating this on larger scales later.

If on first dates you constantly find yourself needing to soothe or reaffirm the potential partner, end it. Cause that's just a glimpse of the future. They want to know you will empathize with them even when they don't actually "need" it. Examples are them having a bad experience and constantly bringing it up for you to reaffirm their feelings. Similar, if the person seems to constantly voice life, the world, etc is always against them and they can't catch a break. It's them setting up for you to be their shield and caretaker while they continue to avoid responsibilities.

Other general flags is if you have to betray a moral or principle you hold to feel like you can continue the relationship. For example, if you're vegetarian and they tell you they want you to eat meat or it won't work. If their affection seems like "too much" at once, they're lovebombing by sending you love songs, constantly complimenting you, but you don't feel the "connection" that would explain why they're doing this.

MissouriBlue · 2021-09-27T17:30:43+00:00

The side bar and Wiki have several good suggestions.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-09-27T17:46:56+00:00

Seconding the other commenters and also I recommend Dr Ramani on YouTube. Her work is technically focused on narcissism, but imo she identifies a wide variety of unfortunate behavior and tactics for how to dodge it.

DifferentBar6 · 2021-09-27T20:35:21+00:00

If you have any doubts or confusion, he ain’t it.

Noemie_Mathilde · 2021-09-28T11:25:03+00:00

DR ramani's videos on YouTube

23eggz · 2021-09-28T00:36:46+00:00

The power of habit is a really good book

PaunchyPilates · 2021-09-27T21:22:09+00:00

Gavin de Becker's book "The Gift of Fear".

Relationship advice books from John Gottman.

"Eyes For Lies" blog.

2021-09-27T19:47:09+00:00

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Zeniite · 2021-09-28T18:36:36+00:00

I definitely recommend Dr. Ramani on YouTube for learning about narcissism and I recommend Baggage Reclaim (the podcast and website) to learn about boundaries, spotting red flags, and protecting yourself

WinterDoughnut · 2021-09-30T03:24:47+00:00

How He Gets Into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser

Title	Need recommendations for understanding psychology/behaviours
Author	RegularCertain
Upvotes	57
Comments	14
Date	September 27, 2021 5:20 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/pwlu76/need_recommendations_for_understanding/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/need-recommendations-for-understanding.1073945 https://theredarchive.com/post/1073945

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