Realizing just how wrong things were & dealing with anger

LU_7192 · 2020-07-05T22:40:31+00:00

Feel the anger. Read every word of the handbook. Read the helpful comments from queens here. And then eventually, you’ll start letting go of the anger and be ready to embrace a stress free dating experience. HVW don’t stress, because they’ve taken the time to heal and level up. You got this! I’m still letting go of my anger and in therapy to heal.

grrl_in_nyc · 2020-07-05T22:28:28+00:00

I feel a lot of this especially the anger at LVM and my stupidity in not seeing who they were.

-positivity- · 2020-07-06T00:42:08+00:00

This form of abuse is so insidious. I can relate to hearing excuses that claim a lack of bad intent or maliciousness, as if that excuses the multitude of hurtful things I've been put through. "I'm sorry but you know I didn't have bad intentions, right? You know I'm a good person, right? It's just the way that I am." End of discussion. But hurt happens again and again.

It is maddening. I understand your anger, and hope for your quick recovery x

cutsforluck · 2020-07-05T23:53:31+00:00

I applaud your awareness, both of the situations and of yourself.

Something I've realized only recently, as someone who was also 'optimistic' and 'focused on potential'-- is that women with high standards, are guilted into lowering their standards. They're told 'oh your standards are unrealistic' or 'everyone has problems, just work through it' etc.

So I, like you, ignored red flags in the beginning, because I rationalized that my radar was 'over-sensitive.' WRONG.

Society tries to condition women to accept mediocrity, guilt-tripping us, which in turn makes us guilt-trip OURSELVES because we're 'rejecting such a nice guy.'

So don't be too hard on yourself. Of course, keep doing the work and meeting your own needs, and focusing on what YOU want and makes you happy. It will put you back into a position of power, which creates the spark for great things to happen.

And use the anger as fuel to never tolerate a LVM ever again.

43rdaccount · 2020-07-06T00:40:49+00:00

exciting ur getting cats!! 💕

all i wanted to comment is that i loved how you used "emotionally constipated" 😂 omg u had me deadd

had a similar thing with the last guy i was with, i was saying "i hope u fix your emotional problem" and he got hurt i called it that lmao sorry im out of pity to give

the frustrating thing is that they know theyre being assholes. youd expected them to research distant attachment style, or go to therapy for their mommy issues, and at least try to fight for you and commit to you because you're a clear positive to them but theyre too lazy to do that. all they can do is feel sorry for themselves, and im really not sympathetic to that anymore

CharTheCatMom · 2020-07-06T05:09:25+00:00

Girl, a cat will never let you down. I have three myself, one in particular that I love to pieces. He cuddles with me, he sleeps with me (I woke up to him sleeping on my chest last night!), he's happy to see me and kneads his paws on my belly when he's comfortable.

Cats are just amazing, hilarious, entertaining creatures. I've gained so much joy and companionship from them, more than any Man could ever give. I'm so excited you're getting cats, and I wish you the best 💜

juicy_lime · 2020-07-06T07:40:37+00:00

I felt this a lot. My ex was neglectful too and it really fucked with my head and self-esteem. Now, with the anger, a lot of it is directed toward him as resentment for being so worthless, but most of it has been directed toward myself for putting up with that kind of treatment for so long.

But seriously, were any of us ever educated about the importance and techniques of vetting men for romantic relationships? Were we educated about attachment styles and how not to fall into a relationship with a person who doesn't have the same capacity for intimacy, especially those of us who fall into the anxiously attached category? Were we told to stop falling in love with potential, and instead look for action? That we shouldn't have to "make it work" single-handed, begging for respect or decent treatment as a human being? Or that being unmarried, single by choice, living a rich life for ourselves is even an option for women?

I think of these questions and the answer is a resounding NO to all of them. I was never told or shown by example to have boundaries or standards in my relationships with men. The assumption was that "men will be men", i.e. they will be preoccupied with their own interests, those interests will not involve you, they will cheat and not be held accountable, and a woman's job is to put up with this shit because women MUST be married to men in order to be happy or fulfilled, else their entire existence is pointless. Women exist to be stepped on and used.

So, seeing this inherently messed up cultural belief system around relationships and a woman's place in the world, by default we're going to put up with a lot of shit because we don't know of any other alternative. Some of us will wake up to it eventually (so grateful to FDS for this), but many of our sisters won't - they'll continue to suffer with shitty men and accept it as their burden in life.

This anger is really useful and I sometimes have to remind myself to feel it and process it. I knew things were wrong with my ex, but I had no vocabulary to make sense of it with, and so I thought something must be wrong with me. Now I remind myself to be kinder to the innocent, naive younger me that didn't know what was happening. She didn't know she could walk away, or that there would be a life worth living outside of a relationship. I think a lot of us have this anger at ourselves for staying too long, sometimes despite the stress causing mental health breakdowns and physical illness. But we had no idea it could be any other way. Now that we know, we can use that anger to fuel ourselves to make sure we never feel trapped or weighed down in a relationship again. Being angry at yourself is not useful now, but letting yourself make the same mistake again, now that you know better, will be 100% on you.

honeybeeroll · 2020-07-06T13:51:47+00:00

I'm really sorry you went through these horrible experiences :(. Do not beat yourself up for not ending it as early as you "should" have. You made progress, you cut this guy out sooner than your last ex. You made a ton of progress on yourself in therapy. Think about all the shit you've been through - and you're going to be so mad at yourself for not ending it 3 months earlier? That's nitpicking at yourself.

Focus on all the work you've done to better yourself, thank your past self for that, and focus on doing your future self a favor, by helping yourself now.

Also don't use dating apps. There's way too much garbage on there. When you feel ready to date again, think about the kind of guy you want and go to wherever he might be - maybe that's at a boom club, maybe it's a rock climbing club, maybe it's at salsa lessons, maybe it's at a little get together at a good friend's house. Just take it easy and make yourself visible when you're ready. If you give off confident energy, HVM will notice.

bootyandthebeet · 2020-07-07T03:20:52+00:00

I feel this post so much. My LVM-ex dumped me a few months ago and im also dealing with the anger that I wasn’t the one to leave him and that I ignored all the red flags, I focused on potential, hoping one day he would change, go to therapy etc. argh. Never again!! I wasted 3 years propping him up, supporting him and loving him despite obvious flaws that everyone could see, thinking this was what love was, that one day it would all be “worth it” - news flash it never was and it never would have been! I’m struggling to forgive myself too but I have been feeling better lately and trying to level up and take care of myself so that I never lower my standards so far down again that I can’t even see myself.

Tell-Me-Whyy · 2020-07-05T23:02:15+00:00

Cats >>>>>> lvm/nvm

Channel your anger to do positive things for yourself and life, and let yourself heal and date when you are your strong and best self again

Title	Realizing just how wrong things were & dealing with anger
Author	onthechainwaxx
Upvotes	60
Comments	25
Date	July 5, 2020 8:36 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hltq2f/realizing_just_how_wrong_things_were_dealing_with/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/realizing-just-how-wrong-things-were-dealing-with.713408 https://theredarchive.com/post/713408

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