Shun them.

Feines_Brot · 2020-05-05T09:01:51+00:00

A guy in my grade hit his girlfriend on a party once. He screamed at her and shook her. My friend saw that and tried to get her out of there, but he pushed her against a wall.

The gf admitted to her that he hit her, when my friend drove her home. She confronted him over text, but he denied everything, telling her to mind her own fucking business and even threatening that he would 'ruin' her life if she kept bugging him.

Well word got around. During PE, he said something along the lines of "you need to slap the volleyball like you would your girlfriend's ass". A former female friend of his replied that hitting girlfriends was his specialty and he told her she'll get it too.

He was part of the 'popular' crowd so many people, mostly the guys, still remained friends with him, saying that it was all lies, etc. I talked about it with two guy friends (at least I thought of them as my friends) and they said that his ex gf was a total bitch and that they were on his side.

Many were aware of what he did, but they rationalized it by insulting the girl, even other girls did it. He suffered virtually no consequences, unfortunately. But what it taught me was that it's important to know whether or not the people surrounding you condone abusive behavior.

Curiousalice88 · 2020-05-05T10:44:44+00:00

My brother is still friends with my ex who pulled me to the ground while holding our child, threatened to punch me in the face, pulled a knife on me and then held us hostage.

He wanted to ask him to be in his bridal party and yes he was at his wedding.

All of his friends and family stuck by him.

His mum asked me to help him figure out why this happened.

Another one of our mutual friends (not mine anymore) said that there's usually 2 sides to every story. Etc etc

They're all fake outraged when there a domestic violence related death in the headlines though 🙄

Neorago · 2020-05-05T10:55:51+00:00

I left an abusive relationship of 5 years with a bag on my back and straight into a woman's refuge. I was homeless for 10 months. He did not let me get my clothes or passport and other paperwork for 3 months. I got none of the furniture and he took all the money from our joint account, of which roughly £800 was mine.

I told a few friends immediately after what happened but after that I couldn't talk about it. This "man" had nude pictures of me (without my consent) and I was just in general terrified of what he would do to me. He stalked me at my work after I left too so he was dangerous.

A few months later I was scrolling on facebook and he was tagged in a picture with 3 of MY friends. Smirking. He knew exactly what he was doing. It was a kick in the teeth but I came to the conclusion at least if I knew my truth then that was enough. I also figured that he bullied/manipulated them into meeting with him so I let it slide but I always questioned why they did it and felt incredibly hurt and angry at them all.

A few weeks ago I started talking to those friends again. I asked them why they met him, why were they still friends with him? They pretty much confirmed to me that he was pressuring them into meeting and that they didn't want to. I told them it was hurtful to see pictures of them together when I had told them what he did, that it made me feel like what I went through wasn't real or important to them. They told me that he had twisted it and made out I was the bad guy. That because I "disappeared" (I had to because he was stalking/harassing me) they thought it meant I didn't want to talk to them or even that I was guilty.

I reminded them all that NOT saying anything to an abuser is taking their side! That it prolongs the hurt of the victim. They all immediately blocked and stopped talking to him and apologised saying that they too were intimidated by him and didn't want to rock the boat.

We NEED to be rocking the boat of abusers. We NEED to be holding them responsible for their actions. We NEEDto be putting victims before ourselves.

2020-05-05T10:05:02+00:00

See it like this

There's 2 sides

One treated the other like shit, like in your example, the man treated the woman like shit.

I think for some bizarre reason people will side with the perpetrator over the victim to protect themselves in the fallout

People don't want change, they'll likely view the victim like "Well she put up with it from him, she can put up with stuff" and she won't lash out, she won't speak up. She'll obviously be very hurt and betrayed but those don't matter to people, that doesn't change their life

Now if they were to give the same treatment to the man in this scenario... Well they know he's more likely to kick up a storm. He's more likely to kick off and create conflict and drama... They want to avoid being treated like how the woman was treated at all costs.. He's seen as more of a threat.

I think that's why when you tell a guy in your life that you had a terrible (likely abusive) experience with another, they are quick to jump into the "you point him out to me and I'll beat the shit out of him!"

He's ALSO perceived the abuser as a threat but in an effort to impress you, he's happy to face the threat head on to prove he's MORE of a threat than the first guy but disguising it as getting revenge for m'lady

This is why victim blaming is so common, they know the victim will take it as opposed to the attacker. They don't want what happened to her happen to them so they blame her

not-mrkrabs · 2020-05-05T11:46:31+00:00

After I finally got out of my abusive marriage, one of the most hurtful things was to see how some of our mutual friends (who knew about the abuse) continued to be friends with him as if everything were normal. Some of these were people that he himself had admitted the abuse to.

I have seen this happen in other instances when the man is abusive as well. The fact that people can pretend like abuse is no big deal, even when they are personally friends with the victim, just shows how little our society cares about domestic abuse and violence against women.

always_its_spring · 2020-05-05T11:31:03+00:00

I had an ex who fit the persona of "nice, quiet nerd". The kind of guy who reads Vonnegut but if you asked him what he thought of a book he wouldn't have anything to say, because he only read it to be seen as the kind of person who reads Vonnegut, if that makes sense.

We worked together (I know this was dumb on my part, but not an excuse for his actions) and he treated me horribly when we broke up. But anytime I tried to point that out to any mutual friends he would hide behind "sHe MaKeS mE uNcOmForTaBlE" and claim he just wanted ME to leave HIM alone, when in reality he was the one harassing me.

Because he was 'quiet' and 'nice' and I was a loud feminist, everyone believed him. It really sucked.

The one bright light was my HVM friend, who was the only person to instantly believe me. He was like, "Wow. I can totally see that, clearly he isn't the person he pretends to be" (This guy is single, ladies ;) )

A few years later it came out that he, as the president of a club in college, had EMAILED SCREENSHOTS to shame a girl who had rejected him to that entire club. And other sketchy stuff he got away with by being 'quiet' and 'nice', but that one stands out.

Nifteroni-and-Cheese · 2020-05-05T15:31:11+00:00

Blocked a male friend of 6 years for sending an unsolicited dick pic to a women I introduced him to. All she did was send me a (thankfully censored) screenshot of the conversation and he was out of my life forever. LVM don’t get a space in my phone, in my life, or at my table.

MazeOfWonders · 2020-05-05T11:40:14+00:00

I am currently dealing with this (and have been for almost a year) and it just feels awful! My best friend and her boyfriend introduced me to my ex so I get that they were friends before our relationship but if a friend acts badly you should stop being their friend or at the very least pull them up about it. Now whenever I’m on the phone to my best friend she tells me she’s been talking to him but she hasn’t said anything to him because she wants to do it in person. But I don’t see any reason to believe that since they saw him just before lockdown (for the first time since he spread lies about me) and they said NOTHING. It’s always followed by the same bs ‘it’s not the best time’ ‘if we say anything he’ll just disappear again’ soooo??? Isn’t that a good thing? Since she refuses to say anything negative to him, I know get to hear about how well he’s doing in life after treating another girl like absolute trash. Oh the joys! Maannn I’m all riled up now, this is such a sore spot for me and I’m trying so hard to get over it and not give him any more of my energy. Sigh smh.

2020-05-05T21:58:13+00:00

I think this is extremely commonplace, yet no one talks about it. Often times, if a woman breaks up with a man, particularly in a long term relationship-- not only do mutual friends usually pick the man's side, but so does his family as well as a large portion of the woman's family.
I'm estranged from a large part of my family of origin, and this is in part due to this exact phenomenon. The irony is that I'm on better terms with my ex (we have a kid). For me, his behavior wasn't nearly as bad as the betrayal I received from people in my family right after the breakup.

notablossombombshell · 2020-05-05T22:20:11+00:00

A true HVM treats a woman right regardless of what he thinks or feels toward her. If he does not like her, he may avoid her, but he will not hurt her, and if he did, he regrets having done so. He does not treat a person poorly whatever the circumstance.

If a man must think you his equal or superior, or if you must inflame his passion for him to treat you well, then he is opportunistic and unworthy, and I would not be flattered to earn his regard.

In society, however, it is difficult to keep only the company of decent men. Peer pressure, complacency - even with proof that a mutual friend has been victimized - too many people are willing to look the other way, because most people are weak. It is unpleasant to reassess someone you thought you knew for the worse and act accordingly. It is far easier to carry on with old habits like old friends.

milkmajo · 2020-05-05T16:29:38+00:00

My former best friend of 18 years was all over my shitty abusive jobless ex once we broke up. I couldn’t care less about the breakup but her betrayal really broke my heart. But I’ve should seen this coming cause she always was a pickme who valued dick more than friendship. What was funny he didn’t even fucked her and thought that she was ugly

parieta1 · 2020-05-05T21:38:14+00:00

Kinda long, but get this: I dated a guy for nearly a year when we met in college. I was friends with his friends, and one of them, in particular, pushed us to date. Even before I really liked my now-ex, this individual was always hinting at us being in a relationship. Fast forward a year later when I Snapchat this person, asking them if they knew about all of the cheating and toxicity. Turns out they did, and they'd known since the beginning that my NV ex had a reputation of being a "s--t." (their words, not mine... I understand how FDS feels about this language, and I agree).

I was so shocked that this person I thought was my friend had kept this from me while simultaneously pushing for us to be in a relationship. I screenshotted the conversation (receipts, ya know?) and they immediately freaked out, asking me not to send it to my ex. Somehow, they're still friends, like... what are you on? Why do you want to be liked by a piece of trash so badly? Even the administrators at school refused to do anything when I reported sexual abuse. They just swept it under the carpet because there was "no evidence" and he was a leader in one of their programs. Moral of the story: Drop anyone who supports an abuser! You don't need that kind of energy in your life.

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Title	Shun them.
Author	PurpleWaves1
Upvotes	212
Comments	23
Date	May 5, 2020 5:40 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gdrzz8/shun_them/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/shun-them.676895 https://theredarchive.com/post/676895

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