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[–]radical__daphneRuthless Strategist61 points62 points63 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Oh my God he's a piece of shit. He's manipulating you. If you're confused by how somebody is treating you that's your sign that you're being manipulated. You shouldn't be going back and forth between feeling horrible and feeling good in any relationship.
[–]mythicalnebulaFDS Newbie30 points31 points32 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
He knows when he says something out of line. He just apologizes based on your reaction. He’s testing you.
[–]--qtbunny--FDS Newbie[S] 7 points8 points9 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I absolutely despise guys who do this to take advantage of my emotions.
[–]rinabeanFDS Disciple24 points25 points26 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
You can't choose to "secretly be interested in him (while playing it off as cool)" because you are already throwing yourself at him and he knows it and I'm surprised he's only taking half advantage like this instead of full. Like I'm surprised he's not using you for sex as well as making you cry (come on!!! You know that's bad!)
"I don’t know what my type is, but maybe in the future you’re my type. I don’t know what the future holds for us"
Stuff like that is just pure, absolute bullshit, 100% of the time. Men know who they want. If he won't say he wants you, assume he doesn't. That's the golden rule. I'm sorry it's not what you want him to say (but you'll be glad one day because he sounds horrible) but that's what he's saying without having the balls to say.
I'm sorry he's messed you around like this and I don't know that being friends with him is good for you either. He makes you cry!!! Is that really the behaviour of a friend?
[–]--qtbunny--FDS Newbie[S] 2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Definitely not. At times I momentarily get flashbacks about how he doesn't think I fit the "attractive" norm. When I deflect his own answer back to him, he shows signs of insecurity but then says that he is a confident man and knows what he wants. At first, I felt super traumatized at his response of basically calling me unattractive, (like, imagine being interested in someone and they just reject you like that), but now I know there's better men out there, who are also academically focused.
I agree. Perhaps I'm at this stage in college where I'm still finding a good group of people to hang out with. For the record, I'm going to be a sophomore this Fall, so there's still a lot of ways to go.
Recently I stopped talking to him for a week because he made me upset. I thought that distance would make him understand. No, it didn't. I had to confront him about it and he said that I should tell him how I feel because he isn't good at telling signals. So things went normal over the weekend, and we hung out as usual.
Then right after the weekend, he goes and tells me that he's been dealing with a lot of social anxiety last quarter hanging out with friends, and needs a social break from everyone, which also included me, his best friend. The agreement was that we wouldn't be able to talk to each other for 5 weeks. I asked if this applied to other people. And he said yes, that he would try to minimize conversations with others as much as possible. And that this was the first time he's done this, so he will try it out and see how it goes.
I felt hurt again. I asked him if it had anything to do with me not talking to him for a week prior to this. He said no, and that he's been meaning to tell me for a while, but he felt too conflicted to tell me in the past because he felt very hurt about it. I also asked him if he was doing this to avoid me. He said no, and that he loved hanging out with me.
I was doing my own work with my friends but occasionally I would see him posting on a couple of discord servers. I got extremely pissed because the context of it was casual. There was nothing "academic" about it. It felt like he was avoiding me and that he went against what he said about his social anxiety break earlier. So I sent him a DM, stating something like, "So much for your social anxiety, it feels like you're avoiding me.". Obviously, sticking to his "contract", he doesn't reply back. But I notice that he stops posting on those discord servers for several days.
And then after those days have passed he does it again. And at that point, I felt like giving up. Even being friends with him is just exhausting and sad, because even he stated that he is a reserved person, meanwhile, I share my personal past with him.
So now, 5 weeks have just passed. I haven't received a DM from him or anything yet. Even if he did DM me, I probably wouldn't talk to him because I just feel like refusing to talk to me for 5 weeks (and god knows how long until he does this "no-contact" cycle again), is just ridiculously stupid. I don't understand what kind of friend would cut off even their closest friend for several weeks at a time.
[–]rinabeanFDS Disciple2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
:( That sounds awful. Yeah, he only meant not talking to you. And it does sound like it was some kind of punishment for you not talking to him when you were upset
He's not your best friend at all :(
[–]cherrybombfieldFDS Newbie19 points20 points21 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Abusive men love to comfort you after they abuse you, it is part of the cycle of abuse.
This guy is a POS. Sorry but it is clear as day. He is future faking you to keep you around yet not committing to you. He keeps you invested in him while he is free to do whatever he wants that is called being on the shelf. He makes you cry. That is the end of it, him comforting you after he made you cry doesn't change the fact that he MADE YOU CRY. I would not even be friends with someone like this. He is a bad dude.
You deserve someone who will make you happy who will be attracted to you and tell you so and who wants to be with you NOW.
[–]DallasOMalleyFDS Newbie15 points16 points17 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I sorry, but it sounds like this man is not romantically interested in you and never will be. However, I'd bet he's still getting something out of the current relationship (a fun time, emotional support, whatever), and he doesn't want to lose those perks. He's using you.
Please don't make the mistake of thinking he's some complex, tortured person who's thinking deep, serious thoughts as he sorts out his life, and that he'll eventually recognize your value and reward you for being supportive. There's nothing to be read into here. He's just not interested in you romantically.
If you're looking for a friend, you can do better. If you're looking for boyfriend, you can also do better. You deserve a man who recognizes your worth, and this guy isn't it.
[–]FluffandRaincloudsRuthless Strategist4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This! And so many other comments here have great wisdom
[–]--qtbunny--FDS Newbie[S] 2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Thank you 🙏❤️
[–]lonelybones1FDS Newbie13 points14 points15 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
If a man says "he doesn't know yet if he's into you" and "we'll see in the future", it's a MASSIVE red flag. 🚩🚩🚩
[–]throw_away_2071FDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Avoidant attachment. Drop the idea of him now.
[–]idiosyncraticg1FDS Disciple5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Please stop thinking about him and interacting with him. It seems like he just sees you as a friend. He doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t even seem to like you.
You guys aren’t even dating. Stop letting him make you cry. Cut contact NOW.
If you want someone to manipulate and degrade you, at least find someone who’s crazy about you and thinks that you’re his type.
[–]--qtbunny--FDS Newbie[S] 1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Haha, no thanks. I recently broke up with a narcissistic, degrading ex before finding out about this subreddit.
[–]idiosyncraticg1FDS Disciple3 points4 points5 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Congratulations on getting out! This guy isn’t any better though :(
[–]vp2407FDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I've been in your exact situation, and this will not end well. I cried over him and thought he was just going through a rough time, he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship because he was too focused on school. Hot and cold treatment constantly. One minute it's "I can't live without you, I don't want to lose you," and the next it's him not responding to my texts or calls for a week saying he was busy and gaslighting me for being too emotional and over thinking too much when i was upset about his half-ass treatment towards me. One minute he's taking me out to dinner, and the next he's gaslighting me again when I bring up how distant he's being.
When I say this isn't going to end well, I mean you are already so attached, and he will have no issue easily dropping you for someone else who peaks his interest more. He knows what he likes. He is keeping you around for convenience, and tries to comfort you to keep you loyal and constantly coming back to him. It's manipulation. The mental gymnastics I had to do to figure out whether he truly cared for me was exhausting because i was so inexperienced and had nobody to help steer me properly. In the end, he told me he no longer found me attractive but still wanted to be friends. Later that week I saw him crossing campus holding hands with another girl. You will crash and burn if you keep entertaining behavior like this. If he truly cares for you, he won't treat you like this. You wont have to guess at what he is truly feeling. It will be so easy when you find someone who truly wants you and will never make you doubt that.
I'm super sorry that happened to you. You don't deserve to meet or even become friends with a douchebag that he is.
I currently haven't spoken to him in 5 weeks already. (Long story short, he told me he's suffering from social anxiety so he needs a social break from everyone. I posted the whole story in the comments here: https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g8a28t/what_should_i_do/fooxbw8/ )
So I feel really detached from him. It hurts a lot on the inside, but I know if he doesn't want me then I'll be with someone who treats me well.
[–]vp2407FDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Thank you. I know it’s hard and you feel hurt but that’s because the wound is still fresh. Give it time and I promise you’ll stop checking up on him and thinking about him. But I would not contact him again ever, for closure or anything because he doesn’t deserve you trying to give him an explanation. Just ghost and block him on everything. He does not care about you I promise you. He might reach out only because he cares why you’re no longer giving him attention. Sending him messages like “so much for your social anxiety” doesn’t help you save face because all it shows him is that his awful treatment towards you is hitting a nerve and it’s an ego boost for him to know how much you monitor him. The guy I talked about also told me he had anxiety and depression (coincidence? Idkidk but his actions completely contradicted that) and most likely it’s a fake setup for you to feel sorry for him and make excuses for his shitty and inconsistent treatment.
He’ll look back on your situationship and tell his friends how crazy you were, like “like yeah she was totally obsessed with me, stalking me online and messaging me constantly like a psycho” don’t give him that. And you can look back on him knowing what a manipulative waste he was who added nothing to your life except stress and wrinkles.
He told you he doesn't like you, won't give you affection, and says mean things. Move. On.
(Saying this with love-- don't waste another minute on this man!)
[–]BarbarianGlamGnomeFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Delete and block him without saying anything. He’s done. At the very least he could have said “I’m not interested in dating right now” or “I only see you as a friend”. He went out of his way to call you ugly and unworthy in his eyes. He went out of his way to hurt you to make you scramble to be something to his king godliness of fuckboi. He lost the opportunity to kind of know you let alone even be your friend. Block him and ghost him also for your sake so you do not internet stalk him and reach out. It’s over. Done. You never would have done that to him periodt.
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
This “best friend” title he has. You’ve known him just since October - that’s such a shirt time for someone to be a best friend. Who decided you were best friends? How did it come up? Best friends that you’ve only known a short time tend to have a motive other than friendships.
[–]--qtbunny--FDS Newbie[S] 0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
We met through a college discord. Technically we spoke a little about arranging a meet up on campus but it didn't work out since I was attending my incoming freshman orientation and it was during his work shift last summer.
Around October, we met up and then it felt like he was fun to hang around with. Even though he's a year above me, therefore we were taking (same major) different level classes, we would arrange a time that works out for the both of us to meet once a week. We would talk about our pasts, and then I realized that me and him had so much in common -- such as how we didn't have any friends back in high school, how our childhoods were identical (except he was raised from an upper-class family, and I came from a middle-class family).
I guess the label of being best friends became synchronous. He told me that he's never had a best friend before, since he grew up without having any close friends. He introduced me to his Dad before, when we were hanging out at his Dad's house. He also told me that he hopes that I get to meet his Mom someday (his parents are recently divorced).
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Be careful who you let so close. Have you heard of forced teaming? This seems something like that - you feel close because you supposedly have so much in common, but do you really? You don’t really know anything about him other than his words.
[+][deleted] 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
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[–]FluffandRaincloudsRuthless Strategist3 points4 points5 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I don't think this has to do with autism. I think it has to do with insincerity and manipulation.
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[–]radical__daphneRuthless Strategist61 points62 points63 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]mythicalnebulaFDS Newbie30 points31 points32 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]--qtbunny--FDS Newbie[S] 7 points8 points9 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]rinabeanFDS Disciple24 points25 points26 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]--qtbunny--FDS Newbie[S] 2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]rinabeanFDS Disciple2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]cherrybombfieldFDS Newbie19 points20 points21 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]DallasOMalleyFDS Newbie15 points16 points17 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]FluffandRaincloudsRuthless Strategist4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]--qtbunny--FDS Newbie[S] 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]lonelybones1FDS Newbie13 points14 points15 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]throw_away_2071FDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]idiosyncraticg1FDS Disciple5 points6 points7 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]--qtbunny--FDS Newbie[S] 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]idiosyncraticg1FDS Disciple3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]vp2407FDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]--qtbunny--FDS Newbie[S] 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]vp2407FDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]FluffandRaincloudsRuthless Strategist4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]BarbarianGlamGnomeFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]--qtbunny--FDS Newbie[S] 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[+][deleted] (2 children) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]FluffandRaincloudsRuthless Strategist3 points4 points5 points (1 child) | Copy Link