To clarify, I'm talking about the 'B' in LGBT. For context, I am a bisexual man from the UK. I am in a monogamous, long-term relationship with a woman who I am very happy with and who I hope is happy with me. I wanted to discuss my experience from a perspective that I don't think is routinely considered; often I see the argument that homophobia is really a form of misogyny, which I suppose is an idea intended to keep things in line with the leading feminist messaging. However, I believe that anti-male biphobia is more often rooted in misandry and the gendered expectations imposed upon men. Of course, misandry and misogyny often go hand-in-hand, especially when it comes to gendered expectations, yet I have never seen biphobia considered in terms of its misandry.

I am not personally too concerned about 'soft' issues like bi-erasure and representation, but I have been lucky in that I'm 'straight acting' (i.e. not flamboyantly camp) so I appreciate that I have not drawn the worst kind of attention and animosity from homophobes that others have. I don't often tell people about my sexuality, primarily because I think that's a personal thing and it's pretty awkward to bring up in casual conversation when there's just no need to do so. However, I have been reflecting on my own experiences lately. In many ways, my experience is completely different to the narrative presented in the mainstream. I'm not about to claim that my experience is at all typical, but I think it's important to add nuance to the conversation and remember things are often more complicated than the ideas of 'us vs. them' would have you believe.

In my experience, I have almost exclusively experienced bigotry from gay men and straight/bisexual women, with women being the worst offenders. I recognise that this is mainly because these are the two groups who I generally 'out' myself to, but it's important to remember that homophobia isn't exclusively perpetuated by the classist stereotype of a thuggish, uneducated skinhead. There are a few recurring attitudes in my experience, which I shall enumerate:

Men can't be bisexual, only straight or gay

This one implies that there is something simpler and more homogeneous about male sexuality compared to female sexuality. It's interesting to note that I primarily hear this from 'progressive' women, those who have 'gay best friends' (and tend to talk about them patronisingly) and even those who claim that they are bisexual, or even that all women are. This is by far the most common attitude I have experienced, particularly from women. I think this is a primarily misandrist mindset deriving from the idea that men are baser; more primitive and emotionally 'less evolved' than women.

Men who claim to be 'bisexual' are just in denial about being gay

This one kind of ties into the previous sentiment, and they often are part and parcel, but I think it is a subtly separate thing. It may be at least partly motivated by a fear of 'abandonment' or the idea that we're more likely to 'stray', which is a more generally biphobic attitude that bisexual women also experience. However, this is the attitude I see most commonly from bisexual women.

You're dirty

The idea that men who have sex with men are filthy and diseased. She was one of those women with a 'gay best friend', very outwardly 'progressive'. The previous two ideas I most often hear from people I am not romantically interested in; such as friends and random people on the internet. In this case, she was a woman I was romantically interested in and the feeling was reciprocated - at least until I told her that I'm bisexual. Suddenly, I was 'dirty' to her. She immediately lost interest in me and decided that I wasn't 'enough of a man' for her. She expressed that she was repulsed that we had ever been intimate and felt 'dirty' herself. I assume this comes from the (homophobic + misandrist) idea that gay and bisexual men are promiscuous and have few qualms about engaging in risky sex. However, I personally will always use a condom with anyone I haven't dated for a long time and I never suggest not using one until we have discussed sexual histories and taken sexual health tests. Incidentally, she had admitted to me that she had engaged in unprotected sex with random men before, and she was a little lost for words when I pointed out her hypocrisy.

I'm discussing this attitude using a specific example from my life, but it is one that I have seen expressed elsewhere. It certainly hurt more from someone I was dating, mainly because I don't tend to take what strangers think to heart.

Bisexuals are selfish or indecisive

This is one of that attitudes that are most commonly discussed, but I think it's notable that this one I've primarily heard from gay men. I've been called things like 'part-time puff', which I don't personally care too much about, but I think it is dismissive and undermining.

It's important to note that most of the women I have dated have been great; some have even expressed the first two attitudes, but quickly come around once I came out to them and demonstrated that I was very much into women. Most of the people I know, man or woman, do not espouse these attitudes, but often those that do are 'progressive' and staunchly feminist women. By the way, this isn't to say that feminism is the cause of this, but I find it notable that it's women with stronger political and ideological principles that are so often self-assured about how male sexuality works.

I thought this post was appropriate for the sub because it was about the misandrist aspects of biphobia, but also because I think it's important to acknowledge the classist stereotypes around bigotry. All of the women I have talked about have been at least middle class and university educated, in my experience. They are not the 'trailer trash' that the media would have you believe, shouting obscenities from across the road. They are not brutish, violent men. In many ways, these attitudes have been more hurtful when they've come from people I respect, who I consider my friends, and especially those who I had been romantically involved with. Some ignorant fool shouting slurs is easily forgotten, but the dismissive and hurtful attitudes from loved ones stick with you.

Note that I also believe that misandry is very often a factor in homophobia and transphobia, but I believe these topics have been discussed more here than those primarily affecting bisexual men. I'd be happy to hear your thoughts on what I've said, and I'm very much open to further discussions and input.