Single shaming

binrobinro · 2015-12-22T06:32:41+00:00

"I've seen how happy you are in your marriage, and I've kinda decided to stay single."

stunningandbrave · 2015-12-22T14:36:15+00:00

Mention Nelson Mandela. He was in Prison for decades but could only stand being married for 6 months. So you're not in a rush.

DarkestJ · 2015-12-22T08:44:50+00:00

Typically I just throw some cliche bullshit at them like "just haven't found a girl that inspires me to make a move" or "too busy with other things, it'll happen if it's meant to". Generally that's enough to placate most askers, but every now and again, people get pushy and try to pry you open like a vault.

23 year old engaged bitch just asked me the other day why I don't have a girl and the status-quo answers wouldn't suffice to her. So I just hit her with some truth. I don't enjoy the company of women, sex isn't worth the hassle, and used up sluts don't exactly rev my engine.

Look on her face was priceless and then she called me an immature little boy among other stupid names. May just stick with the unfiltered truth from now on- the fireworks make for a good show.

Nizz0matic · 2015-12-22T13:36:39+00:00

My Aunts would come up to me at nearly every family wedding (I was late 20s and early 30s) and point at me and say, "You're next!"

This really bothered me.

One day, at a family funeral, I had an epiphany and went to each of my Aunts, and said, "You're next!"

The wedding harassment completely stopped.

carrotforscale · 2015-12-22T09:07:46+00:00

Successful rejection of social expectations for men sometimes requires sequestration of the enablers, too; excluding only the women from your life may not be sufficient.

I've recognized how holiday traditions are part of the grand plan to enslave men, and this year will be my second 100% Christmas-free Christmas. If possible, I will go the whole Day without seeing or speaking with anyone.

f0k4ppl3 · 2015-12-22T14:53:00+00:00

Your paradigm threatens the status quo. This is the resistance that you experience around you. Their quips are not so much directed at you as they are assurance for themselves on their precariously held beliefs. When you see it that way, it ceases to be annoying and becomes amusing. Society lays out a recipe for happiness; money, family, friends, etc and agrees that there is no other path to it. It's materialism. It's a western ailment, mostly. It requires a great deal of personal investment; huge college loan debt, huge wedding plans, huge mortgage, huge car payment, Disney every summer. Nobody who invests that much is willing to concede it might be for their detriment. Family one of the ingredients to happiness, according to this cult. It is a sentiment that is echoed again and again everywhere one looks. So much so, that it is accepted at an ultimate truth. The notion that it could be wrong terrifies some. Imagine, putting up with a harpy and a spoiled brat for years and having to realize you could have simply not. It's paralyzing. On a personal level, what stopped the obligatory inquiries once and for all was telling people that I didn't like to be married and it's just not for me. No excuses. It's just something I don't like. Like pig feet stew, blech!

INOFFENSIVE_LOVE · 2015-12-22T17:07:07+00:00

I have to be honest and say my family would never do that to me. They are very accepting of who I am, as I accept who they are without judgement or condescension.

I don't have a traditional right-wing family. Thank God.

For your purposes. I would say develop an inner world so strong and robust their words mean literally nothing to you. Some men can sit, with the most heinous of insults being thrown their way, and find themselves utterly unaffected, or even becoming stronger. We should try to emulate those men I think.

One thing I would try to avoid - top trumps insults and put-downs. They are not becoming of a man.

FritzLn · 2015-12-22T07:36:58+00:00

i just stay away

doubleplustwo · 2015-12-22T13:17:40+00:00

Show them ten crisp 100 bills in your wallet and simply say, "All. Mine." The married men will at least understand and nod.

Isaiah4verse1 · 2015-12-22T06:32:38+00:00

How do you deal with it?

You don't.

This is YOUR life.

redpeel · 2015-12-22T09:32:17+00:00

Depends on how gutsy you want to be, but if they're being all "snide comments" -- well you could always choose to have some "fun" with it and fire back.

--

Have a drink or two under your belt, and then say something like... "Ya'no I've figurd out [hic] that iss sorta like havin' a boat... buyin' is rather foolish, and ridic..ridic.. way too spensive, 'an 'verybody regrets it aftaward 'cuz ownin wun iz kinda a pain in the butt... you gotta haul 'em aroun' all over da place, ya nevar rely git ta use 'em mush, an the maintenance is so high... plus ya kno you're pretty mush gonna end up gettin' a busted-up uzzzed one anyway, so iss mush more practical to jess rent..." and if you're feeling really snarky, tack on "...didja know you can get 'em by the hour... [hic] or jess fer a day or two?" (Which is kinda vague, you could be talking about renting boats.) If you're feeling LESS snarky, you can add "Ooops, did I say that out loud? Guess I've had one too many."

Oh sure, a few may be a bit "shocked" (but one could say they deserve it, nosey buggers deserve a good "whap"); others, well you may be surprised... you'll either get a suppressed chuckle-laugh, or a snort, maybe even a decent spit-take or two; possibly a few others among the men who will get a contemplative look on their face and a quiet statement like "That's true, you know."; and possibly even one or two married guys may come alongside later, give you a pat on the back and tell you that "You're a wiser man than I, Gunga Din!" (or something to that effect).

Because while they may all pretend to be "happily" coupled... I can pretty much guarantee you that isn't reality.

DEG23 · 2015-12-22T11:24:40+00:00

The problem isn't so much how you respond but rather how they respond to your response. I'm at that age now where most people are getting married, getting serious etc. so I've been getting the "don't you have a girlfriend?, How come you're not dating anyone?" stuff a lot the past 18 months and I've tried just about everything.

Most of the common stuff like joking about it or saying I wasn't interested in a relationship atm was met with either "You'll find someone who will change your mind" or "There's a lot of decent women out there."

The last six months I've been telling people the truth that I'm actually spending my time pursuing activities that I enjoy and I'm the happiest I've ever been and have really lost the desire in going out and looking for a partner. The problem is most people are so wrapped up into thinking that their view of the world is so correct that they can't handle someone like us coming along and shattering it. A couple of guys have actually gotten it and it's almost like something goes off in their head but all the women and pussy blinded men resort to their only go to move and shame me.

I guess family is different because they supposedly know you better so I would still argue that the truth is the best option and just reinforce their belief that they want you to be happy, so tell them you are.

the-tominator · 2015-12-22T12:56:44+00:00

They've got the impression that you're worrying because they have worried about being single before and would again if they became single. It's not because you are worrying obviously. It's because empathy works by imagining Yourself in Someone Else's situation, so is not accurate at all. That would be imagining Someone Else in Someone Else's situation, which isn't possible because we only know what our own minds are like, they don't have a clue what you're actually thinking and feeling, only what they'd be where they swapped with you.

You're free, they're not, but they haven't ever thought about that either.

TheQuestion78 · 2015-12-22T06:32:29+00:00

This topic always comes up. Some tactics that others have used are 1. Pointing out the flawed system of marriage and divorce 2. Use the stories of friends who got screwed over as evidence of the current sorry state of relationships 3. Just deflect the question and tell people to mind their own business 4. Just perpetually say you are at a time in your life where this isn't a priority. There are many more things to say too. Just gotta find the one that works for you.

AustinPowersYeahBaby · 2015-12-22T07:42:41+00:00

Firstly I'm not dependent on them for validation or emotional connection. Anyone that mouths off to me in my personal life is a ripe target to get it back twice as worse because I can leave their company without a care.

If I'm truly disconnected, who needs them?

In your shoes I'd sting them hard if they get sinde. If they warm up and enjoy the insult then they are friend worth keeping, otherwise, why keep contact with someone that is only looking down on you?

wellheytherefreckles · 2015-12-22T12:45:06+00:00

Simply not giving a fuck is probably the most useful tool in the world.

Smitty6 · 2015-12-22T16:33:13+00:00

The world is plugged in. It's funny I was having a chat with my coworker who is married and he is always asking me why I don't have a gf. That I need to find a wife.

I finally just told him I don't deal with dating, women and their high maintenance baggage and all the other shit.

He finally said if he were to be divorced he wouldn't do any of that again.

He would stay single because he doesn't want to deal with that stuff either. Too much crap to deal with.

I said see you understand what I'm talking about. He nodded his head in agreement.

Plugged in people just want somebody else to complain to about how shitty marriage life is.

I just tell people I'm happy being single. Unless a better situation appears from thin air maybe but I'm not looking for one.

I say this knowing there is no better situation than being a single man.

Greetings1 · 2015-12-22T15:27:50+00:00

I just laugh and say that first I have to give money to the irs, then I have to give money to my landlord, then I have to give money to the bank, then money to the state, now you're asking me to find a woman I can spend money on?? Lol people are idiots.

oldredder · 2015-12-22T08:24:34+00:00

I'm condescending about women being too evil and/or too ugly to be worth my time.

Any time a woman says "well you'll die alone!" I say "GOOD. I LOVE IT. I can't trust women enough to care for me in my old age." or "That's awesome. Alone means my life is stable and I'm not wasting my money on girlfriends". If I want to be really nasty I'll say "women are only good for sex toys. If she's over 25 she's already too old."

Usually it doesn't even come up from me saying I want to be single. That doesn't offend women. What offends women is having standards: when I make it clear a woman less than 8/10 hotness is invisible to me then the ugly bitches freak the fuck out because they are shocked and scared by the idea that throwing pussy in my face is unwanted from her brand of "attractive" (which isn't).

Zero hot girls ever freak out on me when I say these things. They know they make the cut without having to ask so they don't care. I still don't want to date them but they're used to being treated that way so they still don't care.

There are no men that shame me for being single. There are men that try to act proud of their poor decision to give up all their freedom to have a wife or a girlfriend that's almost like a wife but they know they can't actually prove to me that I'd be happy giving up my freedom, being told what to eat, when to sleep, etc., when I value these things most in life.

FieldsofBlue · 2015-12-22T13:45:18+00:00

My sister did this too me on a road trip once, and it made me pretty angry with her. I ended up telling her that there's no guarantees in life and whatever my life is was something I has chosen for myself.

RfrankieR · 2015-12-22T08:45:58+00:00

Ask them that you are so happy now why would you want to be less happy by involving some cunt into your life ?

clybourn · 2015-12-23T01:03:19+00:00

Two coworkers were discussing another coworker's upcoming wedding (who wasn't present and doesn't work at this location). "Ah he's finally growing up" then he kind of caught himself (thought I might get butthurt because I'm single?) and says "I mean.. he's finally settling down." I wasn't offended just thought it funny how casually they will blurt things like that out. Or really why they were so interested in it in the first place... Their conversation hinted that "his fun days are over", for some reason that's a good thing I guess??

scaur · 2015-12-22T07:59:05+00:00

For me I would look at friends in the eyes, give them a small smile and nod my head in silence.

Eligendo · 2015-12-22T08:11:50+00:00

You don't need to answer. Just say "I don't want to talk about this" or "maybe next time.... Or not".

As it was already stated, it is your life. If the pressure is too strong just escuse and go breath some air or wash your face and come back.

Sorry for bad english.

CZ-75 · 2015-12-22T20:06:36+00:00

I would say, marriage is not for me, I get bored easily, so why even bother.

cardinal_cs · 2015-12-22T20:43:35+00:00

I've never been in a relationship long enough to bother bringing them to see my family on Xmas. And at least they don't bother me about it. I don't see why family would get in your case.

I would just tell them, none of my relationships are such that I would bring them to Xmas, if that changes I will let you know. Pressuring me will make any future relationships hard, trust me.

SHOMUFFINTOP · 2015-12-23T01:33:33+00:00

"Spend money on women." That's all they're saying. Fuck that. Who gives a shit about what they say? I let the quality of my life do the talking.

clybourn · 2015-12-23T02:05:32+00:00

I just say, I'm taking a break from dating. Then I get drunk and slap the Xmas goose off of the table.

OldRoad · 2015-12-23T06:46:19+00:00

Hey, I'm fortunate that I'm on pretty good terms with my entire family, and none of them regularly bug or push me about trying to date. Some of them may not be completely happy about me staying single, but at least they don't bother speaking to me about it, if that is the case.

I think I have had the conversation about it with at least one family member, but it was a mature conversation, not about trying to force me to start dating. My relative was more just curious if I was trying to date, or planning on dating at some point in the future. I wasn't offended by this at all, because it was just about having an honest conversation. I explained that I tried for a very long time, and I just never really came anywhere close to a relationship that I would want. I think I also said something like that I was skeptical that what I would want even existed for me, or would be so rare to find that it would be pointless for me to keep trying. I think my relative understood.

My personal opinion is that one should always be willing to cut extra slack for family, and try to stay on good terms with all of them, if possible. I'm fortunate that I've never had a family member that I just couldn't stay on reasonably good terms with. If that were ever the case, I think the best strategy would be to try to avoid the other person, stay polite, and avoid arguing. Just refuse to argue -- there's likely nothing to be gained from it.

I know some people think you should having something witty to respond with, but my opinion is that I wouldn't bother. There's just nothing to gain from hurting the feelings of people, and possibly ruining a Christmas party. You may only see some of these people for just a short time each year anyway.

If the relative is sincere and mature, like my relative was, you can sit down with them and have a long, thoughtful conversation about it. If you are dealing with relatives who aren't those type of people, just refuse to argue about the issue, or get much into it.

Also, if you get upset in response to questioning about still being single, people may think you are sensitive about it because you may be unhappy about being single. My guess is that you don't want them to think that.

Hope this helps.

RIchardjCranium · 2015-12-26T21:05:58+00:00

I damn near derailed a family reunion a few years ago over this issue. My dad's niece who I hadn't seen in over 25 years just would not stop with the grilling me over the "So where you going to get married and have kids" garbage. (I was 40 at the time and living a great live in Las Vegas.)

I finally had enough and blew up at her and told her "I have no fucking interest in ever having a wife or kids. Look how good it worked out for you all three of your kids have drug problems in prison records and your first husband left you." Of course I'm the asshole for pointing out the obvious. If she would have just let it go instead of poking the hornet's nest I would have been ok

MachiNami · 2015-12-23T02:57:05+00:00

It would be like a Christian telling an atheist that they'll pray for them.

afroose · 2015-12-22T18:20:52+00:00

" I don't want one " then let them guess why and confirm. Some of my friend thinks I had a bad break up, some thinks I'm gay ( I don't give a fuck ) and some say that I love myself too much to love anyone else. If any of them start with their question I act like the victim, I personally find it hilarious.

Darth_Sin · 2015-12-23T08:17:00+00:00

Tell them that you will settle down and marry a woman who is capable of providing something real, tangible and genuinely valuable in exchange for your loss of freedom, loss of personal leisure time, loss of money and reduction in personal health that inevitably comes with having a romantic relationship.

Then laugh as they try and fail to find any such woman.

manzone22 · 2015-12-23T09:41:48+00:00

If it was me I would say I am only after a hot sugar momma to look after me and if they say you are shallow then you can say "really so 3 young hot chicks get to date Huge Hefner for his personality but when I try and do the same I am not allowed, so who is being sexist now" then I would go and chat with someone else at the gathering about a totally different subject

Or just say random stuff like: why yes I have been working out thanks for noticing, or run your hand through your hair and say why yes I do like to keep it short in the back but this summer I am going to try grow a goatie etc

HaveTheLastLaugh · 2015-12-23T20:59:54+00:00

Do you plan to form/keep business partnerships at these social events? If not then you "DO no" not "say no" (attribution to Paul Proteus). Don't pay anyone (in time) to hear shit, no matter how many genome sequences you share.

Mr_Karisu · 2015-12-23T23:08:46+00:00

Umm, what?

To me it seems, that they just were and are used to see you in that LTR. Families are just like that, they know you from birth and tend to know what is going on with you now with that perspective, what they remember you by, not who you are now. There is a saying, that goes something like "You think you have enlightened? Go and spend some some with your parents and soon you will act out your old self, because of their unintentional behavior towards you, seeing you as a that small child still."

Also, as a culture we are used to that we build ourselves within relationships and work. I think it is more complicated then that, thou it has some truth to it, we need some sort of social group and stuff to do, but it dosent mean that relationship is the only way.

So, how to deal with suggestions and implies? Just say what is going on with you as you see it and maybe say that you don't like those suggestions? Thou, sorry for adding this, but to me it seems like you haven't dealt with yourself or your situation here. People are gonna do and say all soft of shit, that is one thing, but the taking in part of that is another. I personally find that kind of behavior funny, when someone implies to know what is best for me.

Well, but maybe I'm the weird one, I like Christmas. Not for the the traditions, but the conversations and relaxing atmosphere. At the same time, I find this kind of insights on life most insightful now;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_qvy82U4RE

Marry Christmas you all, have fun with it.

nigelh · 2015-12-24T13:05:59+00:00

"Well it can't be this year. It's too late to include another person on the scuba holidays or the three weeks hang glider training."

"That's what you said last year."

"You know, you're probably right."

cashmoney_x · 2015-12-26T03:36:17+00:00

My family stopped when they realized I was right. Hard to argue against my lifestyle when I'm the only one that's actually happy.

Azrael-sama · 2015-12-27T06:32:26+00:00

Strangely enough, I've never really had to deal with this from my family. I've had an ex tell me (as they were dumping me) that my parents would shame me for never giving them grandchildren, and just two days ago at Christmas dinner I had my cousin's new wife ask me if I still didn't plan on ever having kids, but neither my family nor my past friends have ever shamed me for being single. Not once. They're just happy that I made it as a mostly self-sustaining adult, because it wasn't always as clear when I was growing up that I ever could be, and they just want me to be happy in life. (I'm not, but the reasons are not related to this subject)

You deal with it by being blunt and unwavering about your lack of interest in relationships, without resorting to personally attacking your family and friends. You have nothing to gain from doing that. Just make it clear that your life decisions aren't up for a debate, and get them to talk about something else. Don't argue with them or try to make them feel bad about their own lives, just assert yourself and change the subject.

mygiveashitmeterdied · 2015-12-23T08:34:16+00:00

If you reached nirvana with yourself then this shouldn't be a problem.

chuckfrank · 2015-12-25T10:04:44+00:00

When cornered, I like to say "Show me one marriage as a role model. One marriage that is really working for both of the people in it that I can emulate. My parents? nope. Both sets of grand parents? nope. My uncles and aunts? nope." then I end with a concession where I say, "I'd love to get married, but there just doesn't seem to be any good marriages out there for me to learn from, and I'm not going to go into something that important with any actual role models and mentors -- don't you think that's a good idea." And they usually admit to me that yes, a good solid marriage as a role model is a good idea to have before jumping into marriage, and then they mutter that they would have liked to have at least one themselves.

So that's something to add to your MGTOW tool kit.

SUjaredP · 2015-12-23T07:28:58+00:00

ugh this whole sub is pathetic. get the fuck over yourself dude, that's just how families work.

Title	Single shaming
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	44
Comments	100
Date	December 22, 2015 6:12 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MGTOW
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MGTOW/comments/3xsy2o/single_shaming/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MGTOW/single-shaming.639543 https://theredarchive.com/post/639543

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