Bad dream

RPAlternate42 · 2016-03-15T18:48:49+00:00

There is a flagrant problem in this FR and it's not the fucking dream. I'll get to the problem, but I'm going to handle this Mickey Mouse amateur hour dream nonsense first.

The Dream

When your SO comes to you with a dream about how you cheated on her, she is presenting you with a very easy comfort test. The dream is just her brain playing out the drama her hamster has been writing about all day.

You didn't cheat on her and she knows this. You have no control over the dream and she knows this. What she also knows is that she had a feeling about you presented to her in a visceral way. As far as she's concerned that feeling is 100% absolutely based on her reality (read hamster reality/read: solipsism.)

In her head you made her feel a feeling that made her feel bad.

The simplest measure against this is disregarding it and moving on, per /u/irateMD's advice:

"Wow honey, sounds like a disturbing dream. Want some coffee?"

Another method is humor; pry her dream open, comically. You need a funny frame and you need to be someone she feels protects her. Inappropriate humor from a creep is creepy. The same humor from Chad is the funniest thing she has ever heard (tee hee.)

"Oh no! That must have been just awful! You poor thing!," (hug her, look into her eyes to make sure she's alright... then grin impishly, "I really need to know, though... was she hot?"

In both cases you have disregarded the dream but you also recognized that she felt a feeling.

So that's easy. Stop trying to buy into and placate her nighttime hamsterinsanity.

The Bigger Problem in this FR

you're gonna have to get another coffee cup this one leaks
Could you please get me another cup, this one leaks.

Unless you are an autist, you clearly see the difference here.

I wrote a post about why Demands are Disrespectful. Read it. It is written from the POV of us explaning why we shouldn't do everything she says but the same rules apply to us.

Then, read this comment from /u/JackTenofHearts wherein he discusses favors

You demanded she do something, though menial. It's disrespectful of her time. You say she makes you breakfast and coffee every morning (favors for you) and you go ahead and start making additional demands of her on top of it. To her, and anyone who isn't an autist, it says: that thing you do for me daily that I rarely, if ever, thank you for outright, was done incorrectly so you will have to make the favor, that thing you do out of kindness, better this time because it wasn't as good as the other times.

In short, you're a defensive jerk who doesn't appreciate her daily ~~chore~~ favor to you.

2016-03-15T22:28:52+00:00

Dream: Ignore as other have said much better.

Demand for new cup: I used to pull stuff like this when I first found out about the pill, going full retard as BPP described it the other day. Trust me, it doesn't work. Not at the start anyway. Besides that, I say please and thank you to everyone. When I tell my kids to do something, I say "Thing 1, take out the garbage please." When they return from said task, I say, you guessed it, "Thank you".

Do they think they are secretly in charge because I was polite? Of course not. They are polite and respectful, because I treat them, and my wife that way.

If your SMV were quite high, and you've been the family Alpha for 5 solid years, you might say "Get me another cup, bitch", but I'm not sure why you would want to.

Finally, you seem to be doing a lot of rationalizing and generally complaining in the comments. Stop doing that.

2016-03-15T19:33:52+00:00

My wife had a dream the other day that the cops were after her.

ME: uh huh.

She went to try to figure out what the cops were after her about because she had woken up. She wanted me to explore it with her. What maybe stressed her out.

ME: I have no idea, babe. But if you kill someone I'm turning you in.

irateMD · 2016-03-15T18:14:25+00:00

Why the fuck are you entertaining the discussion of her dreams?

Next time, try this, "Wow honey, sounds like a disturbing dream. Want some coffee?"

she repeated me and said please at the end

Because you did that to her the day before. Lead by example.

She gets pissy and goes and gets my coffee in another cup, and was in a bad mood again lol

I don't know why she got you the coffee. You sure as hell didn't deserve it.

Do you always alternate between placating codependent pussy and whiny asshole? Have you read NMMNG and WISNIFG?

Blackthorn8 · 2016-03-15T18:17:06+00:00

She's right-you look like a drunk captain. Own your shit- if you are building a culture of her respecting you by asking, not telling- you should do the same for her. Ultimately, it is small thing and just move past it, but know that if you are going to lead then you have to do it consistently, through behavior as well as words.

You handled the comfort test from the dream well. The phone call thing was dumb, and she just wanted you to either tell her to go ahead or to not get involved- she was looking for guidance, and this is another normal small marriage thing.

Don't go too fast. She's still your wife. Don't be an ass for no reason. No one wants to be around that guy.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-03-15T19:42:05+00:00

she dreamed about me cheating on her and I dismissed it with a that wouldn't ever happen.

NO! Try: "Oh sweety, you are so cute" instead. She pouted off because you failed the Dream Shit Test.

In fact, you failed every one of her shit tests. She is insecure. The way to make her secure is NOT to supplicate like a pathetic mangina. STOP worrying about her emotions and smile calmly about her tantrums. Draw her into your frame without overtly telling her you are not going to ever cheat.

Scurvemuch · 2016-03-15T20:23:10+00:00

Le Sigh

Wife : " I had a dream that you cheated on me"

Husband : "Aww" close hug, kiss on forehead, pat on ass

done

The problem with you is that this is likely not an isolated incident where she got shitty with you. And it is not an isolated incedent that she is subconsciously hamstering a reason to cheat on you herself or otherwise place you in a bad light.

however, based on your responses to a little light touch football, you may not be ready to come into the locker room yet.

PemBayliss · 2016-03-15T18:40:30+00:00

The stuff about the bad dream was just manipulation. You handled that pretty well.

The rest of it is where you're having a lot of problems.

The coffee cup thing was a pure power play. You're trying to assert "power" over her by withholding the request part of it, by not saying "please". You're not at that point in your relationship. Give her some courtesy with small stuff like this.

With the texting at work thing: You handled that fine. Just say something like this: "That's an interesting thing, but I really just don't have time to text about things like this at work. Let's talk about things like this later, when I get home." The point is that you set the boundary for her and expect her to abide by it.

I'm not a fan of ANY texting communications unless it's confined to logistics. The only texting you should really be doing with your wife are things like when you'll be home, where you have to be when, scheduling, etc. Nothing substantive at all.

druganswer · 2016-03-15T23:50:48+00:00

I had a girl tell me once "I had a dream that I cheated on you."

And that shit bugged me forever. And I brought it up to her and you know what she said? "It's just a dream, how can you be upset at me over a dream?"

And that was HER dream! But, now I realize how right she was.

How am I supposed to get upset at her for a dream she has no control over. Now ask yourself how your wife has any right to get upset at you over a dream SHE has... this isn't even your dream, it's hers!

Beyond that, you're on page 1 of a very long book. Read, digest, read, reflect on progress, never miss the gym, always be looking forward.

Because I know you want a situation specific answer:

This morning she said she dreamed about me cheating on her and I dismissed it with a that wouldn't ever happen... and she said she was about to cry because it upset her and got pouty and walked off.

"Was she hot at least?" When she gets upset just go "Like on a 1 to 10 scale?" If you don't feel like pushing her buttons then just say "What did she look like?" or jokingly talk about her being interested in a threesome. It doesn't matter what you say just don't take her seriously and don't try to console her.

A few minutes go by, and I try to drink my coffee and the lids leaking (she makes me breakfast and coffee everymorning) and I said " you're gonna have to get another coffee cup this one leaks" in a non challant sort of way. she repeated me and said please at the end... incenuating that I ask her instead of tell her. I look at her, say nothing and continue on getting dressed. She says reminds me yesterday she tried to tell me what to do and I reminded her to ask, not tell me what to do in the same way... I said to her, you mean can you do this please... since I did it yesterday it's fair for her to ask me to say please when I ask her to do stuff... not just tell her.

You could have asked her in the first place. Commanding her to this degree sounds like some aspergers guy reads TRP.

I look at her, say nothing and continue getting my boots on. I considered saying, well ill just get it myself then.. but didnt. She gets pissy and goes and gets my coffee in another cup, and was in a bad mood again lol

"Thank you sweetheart."

Lastly she called me at work to tell me a dumb ass dream that hot her emotional that she got shot in... and also text me at work to say there was a situation she was getting involved in I really needed to know about... I call her quickly only to find out its about some chick smoking pot with her baby in the car she knew back in high school and she wanted to call DHR... I calmly told her to never text me or call me like somethings and emergency unless it is... otherwise let me know what's going on so I can decide if it's something I have to respond to now. In 30 mins, or when I get home. She apologized and we talked about the newly found pot baby.

Take her less seriously. I promise you that if she's in a real emergency she will be blowing up your phone not texting "so like there's something you should know right now."

Title	Bad dream
Author	kendallb183
Upvotes	7
Comments	73
Date	March 15, 2016 5:36 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/4ajhxl/bad_dream/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/bad-dream.200222 https://theredarchive.com/post/200222

Comments

The Dream

The Bigger Problem in this FR