What a dizzying 72 hours!!!  I am not even sure how I got here. I am a complete noob to reddit.  Through Google I stumbled across /r/deadbedrooms from there I wandered into  TRP, then onto MRP, I then bought NMMNG, which lead to an abrupt awakening and and realization that I am a beta mess right now.

I wasn't always like this.  Early in my career and found out that at least two people thought I was overly cocky, I have always considered myself humble.  My wife and I met some of my college friends last fall and she was completely amazed at the stories they told about me and how I conducted myself.  She thought they were talking about a completely different person.  I guess 20 years of marriage domesticated the beast within.

Ahh, my wife and marriage, let's just say this, I have no idea how Dr Glover spied on my life while writing his book but I am his textbook subject.  I am THE Nice Guy.  My wife told me back around the holidays that she wanted a separation.  I was floored, sure things weren't good, but separation?  Why not go,back to counseling and work things out?  Nope she wanted a separation, trial, in-house at first then me moving out.  I was to "work on me" during that time and not worry about our relationship.  I asked what she was going to do, her answer was essentially nothing, just see if she missed me, no therapy, no reading books, no talking.  She wanted to see if she could manage the kids and house without me.

After a couple victim pukes and resistance i started to realize that in the overall scheme of things she had more to lose than me.  A divorce would most likely lead to more money, more free time and less hassles for me.  I wouldn't be taking care of 4 kids (3 children + 1 wife), even after child and spousal support I would most likely have more money to spend on me.  So yeah, you want to play this game, let's get it on.  Do I want a divorce, no not really, what I truly want is a happy life with my family.  But I know now that if I can't have that then I want a happy life with myself rather than a miserable life with my family. I talked to my therapist last week and said I am done worrying about her and I am really going to work on getting myself ready to move on. Later that night I found my way here and things have gone into hyperdrive since then.

I am not moving out, don't want any issues down the road with her saying I abandoned the home and whatnot. I will remain in the spare room where I have been. If she wants to leave she is more than welcome. I already do the lions share of the work around the house, she won't be missed in that regard.

So now it's time to build a game plan for me. First things first is rededication to the gym. I've been going sporadically but it has to become a regular occurrence. Next up is a Dr visit to address some chest pain (hoping its just a manifestation of recent stress and anxiety) and a consult for bariatric surgery. I need to drop 100+lbs and the older I get the more difficult it is to drop weight. I am also reconnecting with college and fishing friends and plan to do a lot more activities on my own this summer. Funny thing is that these are all things she wanted me to do as well. I've been in a funk for the past 3-4 years and grew increasingly withdrawn from everything.

For now my view on my marriage is will either work out or it won't, either way I'm going fishing this weekend.

No real questions here, just a quick backstory and a HUGE thank you to this subreddit for helping me find me and possibly saving me from me.