One of the many areas I struggled with for a long time is figuring out what the fuck everyone meant by “frame”. Below is what I see as the stages I went through to finding frame. I hope it helps someone else accelerate their journey. I am nowhere even close to finish this journey on frame, I have certainly overcome a major hurdle and figured out what I want in life. It’s as simple of – figure out who you are and your worldview and don’t let anyone or anything shake that. Big thanks to /u/HornsofApathy for a lot of guidance on my journey thus far.

Background

Life has thrown a lot at me. I used tragedy and hardship as excuses for being a lazy pile of shit for a long time. I had struggled with depression and anxiety since around 15 years old (21 years of SSRIs and crap). This was bad anxiety – panic attacks, couldn’t go out to restaurants, shutdown socially. I’ve gone over three months now of zero panic attacks, very little (probably normal) anxiety, and feeling pretty damn good about myself. I was told there was no cure for anxiety - I had to find ways to minimize and cope with it. That was more bullshit advice. I 100% believe that MRP cured by anxiety.

Ignorance and Anxiety – Not Even Aware of Concept of Frame

Pre-MRP and the early months, I wasn’t even aware that I was living for the expectations and views of everyone else around me. I thought I was being a good son, a good husband, a good dad, a good member of society. The expectations were from my parents, my wife, and society in general.

Parents: expectations on career, doing ‘well’, how I should be raising kids

Wife: “happy wife, happy life”, she’s a princess and needs to be taken care of, she deserves to be on a pedestal

Society: divorce is bad, expect to have no passion in marriage, husbands are dumb/lazy/need their wives to survive

Is it any surprise that this resulted in years and years of anxiety and depression? A feeling of never measuring up, never being ‘good enough’ to meet all these expectations? Looking back now, anxiety was a clear, flashing red light that something was wrong. I had zero self-confidence. How could I? If I could never measure up, I was a piece of shit. It was so far away from “I am the prize” it was “I am a piece of shit who deserves nothing good”. Pretty dark place to operate from.

Finding MRP and Cognitive Dissonance

Life changed on October 8, 2018. I know this because it’s the day I first created a reddit account. I am not fully sure how I ended up here. Over the summer, my wife didn’t fuck me for 2 months. This led to buying a program on rekindling sex. Wasn’t bad, hit a few key principles such as the need for sexual polarity. But I felt it lacking. The issue was so much more so than sex – it was hostility, zero affection (no kissing, cringed at even a hug or holding hands). Best summed up early on by u/MrChad_Thundercock that it was CONTEMPT at the faggot I was being. From articles, comments, something led me to MRP. It shut me down.

It literally shut me down. For two days I stayed in bed, read The Rationale Male and MMSLP. My anxiety was at 11. My brain was going between “how the hell could this be true?” and “this makes so much sense”. It wasn’t anger – this came later - it was now knowing the truth and the matrix being shattered.

I found Frame! – No You’re Just a Ramboing Asshole

I consumed the sidebar at lightning pace, I cleared out the garage, bought weights and started lifting immediately. I devoured posts and read the advice of many of the veteran members on here. I posted in OYS and askMRP and got blasted into oblivion – but it was all to help me. So I got sidebar – done, lifting – done, STFU – much better, but I still struggled with this frame thing.

I settled on my “frame” being “I’ll go full asshole, 100% alpha, then the guys on MRP will think highly of me”. This wasn’t MY frame, this was again – perceived external expectations. Anxiety was still there but less. I erroneously thought I had figured out the solution – but I was destroying my marriage. Here’s a few things of what NOT to do:

· Tell your wife you will cheat on her

· Demand certain sex acts

· Tell your wife that if she doesn’t please you, you will find a hooker to do so

· Tell your wife she adds nothing to your life

· Shutdown emotions (latest issue)

I was just being an asshole and hurting her because “that’s what alphas do” (note: that is not what alphas do).

Being Lost and Confused

After, correctly, being told I was Ramboing on several occasions, I was confused. If frame is not doing what others said was alpha, what the hell was it? I didn’t get it. What I now realize is that I spent so long living in others’ frame, I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. There was no sense of self – it was still a hodgepodge of other people’s ideas of how I should act.

Some examples:

Spend 30 mins playing a video game with the kids on a rainy day and then feel bad about it because some guy on the internet said video games are a complete waste of time and you should never play them.

Rub my wife’s back because I like to do that occasionally – stop because I think it’s beta and a faggot thing to do, even though it’s something I wanted to do.

Really Finding Frame

Slowly, frame started to develop. It’s a work in progress, but it’s forming up nicely. I started to realize I had my own ideas on right and wrong. No one had to agree with me, but they also weren’t going to change my mind or alter these core beliefs. I started figuring out what I considered a good relationship, what I considered the best course of action at work, etc. Others were free to voice opinion – I’d take them into account, but it doesn’t change these foundation expectations and views I hold. Nothing will. Anxiety is the litmus test for me now… if I start feeling anxious I figure out why and 95% of the time it’s because something conflicts with my core beliefs. I truly do not need any single person in my life – I’ll be fine without them. If they don’t like who I am and what I believe in, that’s their issue, not mine. The crippling anxiety is gone, I'm starting to not only have my own frame but projecting it. I'm a pretty fucking awesome person, I am the prize. Fuck anyone else if they don't want the gift of me in their life - it's their loss.

Recent Event that Made Me Write This

Wednesday morning: Wife left her phone out in the morning so I changed my name to Sex God. I found this hilarious. She eventually texts me on WTF is this? You think so highly of yourself. "I LIKE TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT NOT USED FOR ONE THING, which is ALL you care about! Wtf, do you absorb anything said to you". This is an ongoing statement from her lately.

My response was simple and matter-of-fact: I care about sex, its important, I'm not going to pretend it's not. I am not going to have walls up around my sexuality. If she doesn’t like that – well too bad, I’m not changing for anyone.

That's when I 'got it'... that's frame right there. Here's my worldview and how I view sex. If she has a different view, that's fine but it's not going to shake mine.

In case you’re wondering on the result of this:

She continued to lose her shit (texting me random things which I ignored). I got home, pretended like nothing happened (because nothing did happen). Just kept a good mood, played with the kids, laughed with my wife. Had some great sex that night. Brought everything full circle by calling her my little sex goddess. She let out a small laugh and said “oh jeez”.

Her name is now Sexy Pirate Ninja Goddess in my phone. Pirate Ninja is from a conversation we had regarding what's cooler - pirates or ninjas when the kids were debating Halloween costumes. Obviously a pirate ninja is the coolest way to go.