Help: career beta checking in

thrownawaybass · 2015-05-10T16:09:06+00:00

" when I am assertive I feel mean."

Sounds a lot like... When I say No, I Feel Guilty

You might want to read this little guy before you reread the other two.

I felt the same way for a long time. This book was probably the most helpful for me from a practical standpoint, though the other two were extremely important.

EightyTimes · 2015-05-10T20:19:41+00:00

How do I be assertive and alpha without being an asshole?

Does a kid think you're an 'asshole' when you won't give him ice-cream for dinner? Sure. He's living in the moment and the only thing that exists for him in that moment is ice cream and how he's not getting it. He doesn't think about the long-term consequences of not getting proper nutrition or getting diabetes. He thinks you're an asshole and he might even say "Daddy I HATE YOU!"

Then one day, after dinner, you're out at a ball-game and you buy him ice-cream, you're a god to him. You gave him icecream. Worlds best dad! "Daddy I LOVE YOU"

TRP recommends for men to be "rocks" because women live moment-to-moment like the child in the above example. Men can't afford to get caught up in the waxing and waning temporary emotional state of their women.

When she experiences temporary discomfort, you're an asshole. When she experiences temporary pleasure, you're a good guy. But once the temporary feelings pass, they don't matter anymore and you have to live with the consequences of the actions.

Once the 'asshole' emotion passes, she'll be left with a guy she sees as responsible. Once the "good guy" emotion passes, she'll be left with a guy she sees as a bitch.

Ignore the moment-to-moment and focus on the long-term. She WILL see you as an 'asshole', In the moment. To her, in the moment, you ARE an asshole. You just can't afford to get sucked into that emotional storm.

I asked her how long she was planning to stay pissed

Don't do this again, this was a bad move.

EDIT: typo

2015-05-10T17:40:58+00:00

What was she doing when you were in the yard? If she is closer to the problem, and clearly not covered in yard work mess, she is the one that should be doing it.

Assuming she was the one who could have more easily handled your child:

told her the "helpless woman" act was not attractive. She got passed at me and basically gave me the cold shoulder

Don't engage her following bad behavior. You challenged her shit test, failed it, then retaliated with words.

I asked her how long she was planning to stay passed and she said she didn't know how long was I planning to be an asshole. I told her I had not decided yet.

You should bring a bucket to hold all of the victim puke you like spewing about. DO NOT ENGAGE HER after bad behavior. You are feeding her hamster and letting it shot food for your BSG. You engaged her, she retaliated, you responded. You are fully in her frame.

Stop looking at yourself as the asshole and stop looking at her as the bitch. You are a petulant, validation-seeking beta and she is treating you like a child looking for validation; it's what she's used to. You're asserting yourself (albeit clumsily) and she is reacting to that.

She is going to have feelings and you can't control what she feels or doesn't feel.

The correct workflow should have been:

She calls to have kid changed.
You respond: "I'm in the yard and dirty. You're inside and closer. Take of it."
Continue yard work
If she calls again. Ignore it. You already stated what needed to be done.
She may be pissy. Deploy A&A, I&E, C/F and maintain AM throughout. Escalate out of the arguments using your frame and maintaining a quasi-sexual tone.

Always maintain the thought that you are the leader, you are the prize; you neither require her attention or validation and you always have something better to do if she isn't interested in your activities. Your standing orders for now are:

Lift
Read again
Lift
Read "When I say no, I feel guilty"
Lift

theultmatecad · 2015-05-10T18:41:24+00:00

You desperately need to read "when I say no I feel guilty"

You may need to read it twice. When my wife gives cold shoulder I am thrilled. I may not even notice. You seem like a child who is upset that mommy is mad.

I say it with love bro....You have real work to do. It can be done, ask the mods here...they did it. I did it. You can too...and not for your bitch wife. For you

Svantearach · 2015-05-10T15:54:53+00:00

I haven't read your old posts but the answer to "come in and change the crib" is simply no.

RBuddDwyer · 2015-05-10T19:16:24+00:00

As far as feeling mean for be in assertive, read When I Say No I Feel Guilty. If you are a career beta, then it will do a good job reprogramming you to stop feeling bad for doing what you want.

abdada · 2015-05-10T15:27:44+00:00

What was she up to while you were doing yard work?

angels_fan · 2015-05-10T16:01:10+00:00

If standing up for yourself and defining clear and reasonable boundaries makes you a jerk, then no.

Perhaps you should see your wife as a bitch instead?

FrozenSoil · 2015-05-10T16:10:32+00:00

By you asserting yourself, you're not being an asshole. My wife tried that on me too as a guilt move. Its an easy way to shame you back into beta behavior.

Another thing that may help is outcome independence. You need it in spades to help get your point across. Enjoy the silence, and realize that by you being quiet, you not only remove any ammo she may use, but you're getting her hamster to spin.

You're not an asshole. Youre finally standing up for yourself and she can sense a shift in the balance of power.

angels_fan · 2015-05-10T16:36:46+00:00

You need a mental change in your perception of her anger.

Instead of feeling guilty, see her outbursts as a sign of a strengthening marriage.

This is pouring alcohol in the wound. It will hurt, but it hurts so good and eventually the wound will heal.

So every time she acts like this, smile inwardly and know you are winning.

Chuckit_ · 2015-05-11T03:19:28+00:00

Good for you being open-minded enough to come in here. I browse /r/deadbedrooms often, and I've seen your posts.

Everyone else is pretty much on the money in here. But what I'll add is that the red pill is not about stopping your wife from being a sexless shrew. It's about reminding yourself that you don't need to put up with her shit. Your power lies in your ability and willingness to walk away and either live a fulfilling, happy life on your own or easily find someone younger, thinner, prettier or better-smelling than your wife to bounce off your cock. Without that, you have nothing. It's hard to think about that right now. Just keep reading and lifting. Reading will give you ideas and strategies. Lifting will boost your testosterone and give you the balls to put them into play.

If it works on your marriage, you'll be fitter and more ballsy, your son will have an awesome role model and your wife will be way happier and more pleasant. If it doesn't you'll be fitter and more ballsy, your son will have an awesome role model and your wife won't be your problem. Win-win for you and your son. Your wife can get on board or become a single mum.

It's a marathon, not a sprint. Best of luck, mate.

alpha_n3rd · 2015-05-11T11:36:34+00:00

"The crib is wet"

mowing "What?"

"The crib is wet"

mowing "What?"

"THE FUCKING CRIB IS WET"

mowing "So?"

I think you get the idea

Sepean · 2015-05-10T15:39:23+00:00

[permanently deleted]

DanG3 · 2015-05-10T16:19:33+00:00

You are going to get verbal comebacks and reactions, pretty much, no matter what you do or say. Don't pay attention to what she says, only to what she does - in the longer term. You could temper your remarks somewhat - don't use labels - "helpless housewife." Instead, define what it was that you were doing and TELL her SIMPLY that she will have to take care of the thing that she expects you will do for her.

Sepean · 2015-05-10T17:19:24+00:00

She'll fight you along the way. She'll try to make you doubt that your strategy is effective. It is just a shit test, she wants to see if you have the resolve to remain assertive.

rediscover03 · 2015-05-10T22:41:20+00:00

Most if not all of your postings are in /r/deadbedrooms - have you internalized RP truths? Have you read our side bar material? Where are you on your MAP progress?

Theopaulson · 2015-05-11T00:09:28+00:00

Lift to gain physical and mental strength. Become stoic. If you get into an argument with your wife you've already lost. Her mood and emotions need to have zero effect on you.

You won't be able to lead/ be alpha until you have gained inner and outer strength.

SexistFlyingPig · 2015-05-11T04:53:28+00:00

Less talking.

Congrats on the lifting.

The reality of the crib situation is that there's absolutely no reason your wife couldn't change the crib. But she likes bossing you around, because you take it like the little beta bitch you are.

Why is you telling her to do what she should do somehow make you mean? It doesn't. It does make you assertive.

..."The I told her the 'helpless woman' act..." Oops. You fall into her frame when you do this.

"I asked her how long she was planning to stay pissed..." oops. You're falling for her emotional manipulation. If you can do it with amused mastery, and she falls into your frame, then it's fine. When my daughter is mad at me because of something I have or have not done, I sometimes check in on her and ask, "Are you going to be mad at me for another hour?" with a big grin on my face. It's usually followed up with something like "Dinner's in 20 minutes" or "Bedtime's in 20 minutes, you should probably put on pj's and brush your teeth". My daughter is 5 and our roles are obvious to me. Your wife is older than 5, I hope, and it's been ingrained that you standing up for yourself and running the family is somehow a negative thing. It's not a negative, and you need to see that your family needs you as the captain of the ship.

SexistFlyingPig · 2015-05-11T04:54:59+00:00

By the way, when you ask "Honey, what do you want me to do?!?" as I did in the months leading up to my separation and divorce, you will never EVER get an answer you can do anything with. The Red Pill, swallowed and digested, is the way to happiness for everyone involved.

redpillliger · 2015-05-11T17:16:57+00:00

Right now, you're too inexperienced to effect change. Read the sidebar materials for the next month. Start with When I Say No, I Feel Guilty followed by No More Mr Nice Guy (again). Internalize those, make them your life.

Remember, you're fighting against years of beta programming and her expectations/distain of beta you. You're going to get push-back, probably a lot of it. That's okay, keep working and either it'll pass, or you'll realize you don't want to stick around. Just don't go dropping a nuke when you're not in a position of strength, like so many newbies tend to do.

mkopec · 2015-05-11T18:14:44+00:00

The big problem, and we probably all went through it here, is expecting results right away when we swallow the red and do some reading... Then maybe introduce a little frame, start working on ourselves, but this, my friend, is a long process. Its like building, brick by brick, and trying to erect that 20 story statue of your new self. Its not going to get done in a week, nor a month. Its a long drawn out process where you constantly improve your game, your frame, your mind, and of course your body. You will have setbacks, where you will have to regroup, internalize and process the mistakes, and try again. And within this process only then your wife comes around, and if she doesnt? Fuck her. Your first plan of action is going to the gym and working on your self and stop doing shit for her. You only do shit for her when she deserves it. Thats a good starting platform to launch your new 20 story masculine statue of yourself.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-05-11T00:04:47+00:00

Sometimes we get an easy question:

The big problem I have is when I am assertive I feel mean.

When I Say No I Feel Guilty. Read it and read it again.

And the helpless woman act is NOT attractive. Be the oak and stick to your guns. Stop asking her when, if or why she is mad.

Fuck her- literally and figuratively. Get the hell out of the house. Go to the gym. Go to a buds. Stop making your wife your only outlet for entertainment.

Here is the secret to life the universe and everything- worshipping your wife's golden vagina is WAY less attractive than her helpless little girl routine. An 8 year old child could have changed the pad but you let your wife bully you into doing it. She is just annoying and manipulative- but you are pathetic.

Title	Help: career beta checking in
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	10
Comments	32
Date	May 10, 2015 3:22 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/35hwx1/help_career_beta_checking_in/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/help-career-beta-checking-in.201964 https://theredarchive.com/post/201964

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