Questions for Vets

Blackthorn8 · 2015-05-26T09:17:43+00:00

Thank You for your service.

When I read your message, I do not see a weak man or a marriage in trouble. I just see someone who needs to get to the bottom of some issues. Your journey is different from many but not unique. You will have to bring up that old shit and walk through it. Find some way to come to terms with your experiences. Applying MRP is a joke compared to what you have already gone through. Work on your mental/emotional side, tell your wife to bear with you for a bit that you have to get to the bottom of some shit. Do this over a nice dinner, so she knows you mean it. Then do it.

After your internal issues are resolved, the rest of these things: lifting, holding frame, leading, etc. will take care of themselves. Those issues, unless you come to terms with them, will eat at you like a cancer.

The interesting thing about Veterans is the individuals that have seen the worst, experienced the harshest humanity can endure, are the same type of individual to never speak about it. It's in their very DNA to try to shoulder that pain by themselves. The very role of soldier is sacrificial by nature. Stop sacrificing your self. Unburden that shit to a professional, not your wife, and leave it behind. That pain may be a part of your journey, it has shaped who you are, but it does not deserve to shape your life going forward. You have given enough. Start living for yourself.

Sepean · 2015-05-26T08:54:41+00:00

I strongly recommend A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy by Irvine. It specifically deals with overcoming hardships, like using negative visualization to keep things in perspective and find joy in what you have, and teaches you to place value on exercising your character in the face of hardship.

Try to find the documentary The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off. I don't think he's a practicing stoic, but he sure acts like one. I saw that years ago and it still stands out to me as an example of how great a human being you can be even when faced with incredible hardship.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-05-26T14:31:49+00:00

Not a veteran but I will chime in anyway to thank you and to provide some input.

Since finding MRP and the like I've found a lot of things that have made me.....unsettled.

No Shit! You will get over the pain and anguish but I don't know when you get over that 'unsettled' feeling.

How do I deal with my physical and mental disabilities with the wife.

Primarily by dealing with them without the wife. You have a support network, the VA, support groups etc. Don't dump your disabilities on your wife.

Don't forget your wife is a WIFE. She is not your buddy. She does not understand what you have gone through as a man and as a soldier. She CANNOT understand- and if she tries she will lose her sexual attraction. I always say she can be your lover or your mother- pick one.

sometimes this shit hits me hard and it's amost impossible for me to maintain frame.

Then leave the house. Call your support network. Get to the gym. Anything except sitting around remembering when you were in the shit.

5p56x45 · 2015-05-26T20:40:16+00:00

As a fellow combat vet, here are my 2 cents:

Don't share any of this with your wife. She can't understand, both as a woman and because she never went through the experiences. Letting her see the weakness will only lower her opinion of you and hurt the frame of you being in charge and stoic.

In these situations, I treat my wife as if she were a subordinate in my command. You wouldn't let your men know that you're scared before a mission--you keep a calm face and project confidence.

Also, if you're anything like me, your wife has NO IDEA of the true stuff that you went through. She doesn't need to hear it. If you need to talk to someone, call your old buddies. It's not your burden; it's our burden.

You can hold your frame--you went through the real thing, and what you feel now is only a shadow. That shadow may seem dark at times, but it fades steadily as the years go by.

marxistbacon · 2015-05-26T13:16:13+00:00

I'm not going to be able to forget the things that have happened and at the same time I don't want to forget it. It's a part of me. It's my burden.

There used to be a whole smorgasbord of things I thought I would never be able to forget. The more I kept them inside and locked them down, the more I ruminated on them and the stronger they got. That's a one way ticket to a stressful and painful life. Talk it out with someone trained - counsellor, PTSD therapist, someone like that. Working through that stuff will get yourself where you need to be and you'll be able to handle all the other stuff (marriage, frame, family, etc) the way you want to. Good luck and all the best to you.

ZeeyardSA · 2015-05-26T11:16:03+00:00

I recommend the book "the power of now" by Eckhart tolle, its slowly helping me along. Good luck mate

turbosympathique · 2015-05-26T11:18:11+00:00

I know it would be great if as men we could just go to our wife for support in moment like these........

But you know better, I know better. They can't really help us and even if ours wife have good intention subconsciously they are disgusted by our weakness.

You have two option; Deal with your issue on your own OR go find a support group for veteran like yourself! They will understand you and they will actually care!

Good luck.

trendynamegoeshere · 2015-05-26T15:16:53+00:00

As a veteran with heavy burdens I can tell you that the gym has been my friend over the past few months. The difficulties of what we have seen and done will be with us forever, but if you continually train your mind and body you will find that the load gets lighter. Remember your basic training, personal courage -- draw on your own strengths to find your outlet that is NOT within your household. Be proactive when you feel that rush of adrenaline or that crushing sinking in your gut, WALK OUT. Just go outside. Go anywhere man. Separate yourself.

Simply doing that has helped me tremendously as my anger phase has only been heightened by the quick adrenaline rush I get when I feel threatened. Shit tests feel threatening to me... there is a revalation i just had when trying to help you..... hmm

LaV-Man · 2015-05-26T15:20:10+00:00

I am a disabled vet and I am working on MRP. I think you might be expecting too much too soon. Like a lot of military guys you probably find a goal and push relentlessly until you achieve it. MRP is probably the same thing.

However, you're talking about changing yourself and how other people see you (people who've know you for a long time).

That takes time. A lot of time. During that time and even long after you will make mistakes, lose frame, etc. Try thinking of TRP/MRP as a race you can't win but one you always try to stay in 1st place. You might fall back to second or fifth or even last place, but you just need to push your way back up to 1st. Then it takes effort to stay there.

In reality (from what I've read) TRP/MRP does get easier as time goes on, but if you think in terms like I've described you'll be pleasantly supprised when you get there instead of constantly focusing on your current (short term) failures.

In military terms TRP/MRP is not a "go/no go" system. It's training. Never done, and we continuously try to improve on last time. Reward yourself for success, learn from failure.

Just my opinion, hope it helps.

Countpudyoola · 2015-05-26T15:20:13+00:00

Army brat, while not a veteran I am fully steeped in the life as side participant. Dad, brother, nephews all either serving, died due to service or served. From all the success I was able to see (and lack in some instances) it stems from knowing who to turn to when.

I think you can already see where she fits in. When the time comes , find either solace or solace with your compatriots. My dad loved to fish, and also hanging out with his vet friends. He seemed to be able to juggle the when and where. He'd blow up occasionally, but catch himself and head out. He tried to save his binge drinking for certain occasions with his friends.

My brother had a drinking problem , but seemed to stem that by switching from beer to the harshest/cheapest booze he could find. Passport scotch. Gin. Whatever he'd have to sip at social occasions. I think there's a lot of research to support a moderation over abstinence approach. You wont find that at AA. There were rough days after work (he's a civi now) when our mom was passing away from cancer I can tell he's put something in his thermos other than tea, but it never went very far. He was actually the victim [edit: don't hate on my use of the word, he's at least a victim of his own hard head at not minding his own frame] of complete hypergamy from his recent wife. She left him for a millionaire they met on vacation, became friends with and they hung out more and more. Millionaire ditched his own 3 and traded in on his 7.

I have a nephew who appears to be doing a lot of the right things (is stoic, and a rock) but also a lot of the wrong things (gushes on facebook on wife...she makes entirely too many family decisions, and he does entirely too much choreplay while she complains he does nothing).

So don't forget things that make you you and are important to you. However, when you feel things going awry don't try to correct in front of her or even include her when she can't help. And no matter how they try there are just things they wont be able to help with. Find an activity that can bring you back to peace or at least do until things subside. Lean on friends with similar experience, and get to your local VFW.

scapeity · 2015-05-26T21:03:42+00:00

I don't know exactly what your going through, but as a fellow busted up bet I understand my fight.

I also... swallow a lot of red pill truths, but have married a woman that knew exactly what I am. And those times where I need to be quiet, or withdraw, that's supported as long as I come back in a reasonable amount of time and be the leader of the family unit again.

She can handle things for a day or two while I quietly move into the garage or elsewhere to work on a project by myself.
But I think that's the red pill part of me, even on my worst days, I am doing something... focusing on hobbies I find meaningful, or developing interests. Being active, etc.

When you withdraw and sit on a couch... then your breaking frame.

good luck.

JonnyJaded · 2015-05-27T17:40:46+00:00

I'm here brother. Memorial Day fucks me up! (I just posted about it actually) I lost frame this time and got depressed as hell. Me: Still Active at Bragg, 3 tours to various vacation spots with the 82nd (11B), PTSD, and severe insomnia. On this topic, sadly, the sidebar will not help. Last year the family and I conducted Area Beautification on a small federal cemetery and posted flags on each gravestone. It was very cathartic for me. As for losing frame; I didn't this year but I need to remember to express my needs to her instead of falling into depression and drinking too much. This year I failed, hard. Next year it'll be better. And if need be, I'll be around. Get comms with me and I'll get your back. And if all else fails, remember, at least you get sweet parking.

Title	Questions for Vets
Author	thkthrow15
Upvotes	8
Comments	15
Date	May 26, 2015 8:12 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/37azqz/questions_for_vets/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/questions-for-vets.201840 https://theredarchive.com/post/201840

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