HELP! We're having a baby...

notnotnotfred · 2014-05-25T23:26:24+00:00

and she was on the pill to avoid it.

NEVER trust solely in the efficacy of birth control administered by your sexual partner.

she told me "we are keeping it".

ok, daddy. you're in this unless you want to skip the country. Get a DNA test, and live with the results. Be the model dad, and maybe you'll get a less unfavorable custody agreement.

5th_Law_of_Robotics · 2014-05-25T23:23:49+00:00

What can I do at this point?

I know this isn't helpful but: nothing.

You have no rights here.

chocoboat · 2014-05-26T02:58:16+00:00

she was on the pill to avoid it.

Obviously that didn't work out, and when she found out today, she told me "we are keeping it".

In other words, she decided to have a child and stopped taking the pill a couple of months ago.

I'm the only one working

What a surprise, that the woman with no money and no job would trap you into sending her 20% of your income for the next 18 years.

If only men had reproductive rights... if only society understood it's wrong to force anyone into parenthood against their will, whether they're male OR female. But men don't, so you're screwed, and no lawyer can help you.

I'm sorry that this happened to you OP. But legally, there's nothing you can do.

My advice is to continue to approach her in a calm rational manner and explain your position. Don't fight with her, don't yell and scream, don't pressure her. Try to get her to understand your side of things. It's your only chance.

pill_swallowed · 2014-05-25T23:52:03+00:00

This is an important lesson in the responsibility both parties have to prevent pregnancy and a great reason for the continued development and testing of male birth control (so sorry that it didn't come in time for you, man).

Unfortunately, trusting others leaves one vulnerable- that's just the human condition.

Is she determined to raise the child, or is adoption a possibility?

2014-05-26T02:26:00+00:00

Tell her she will have to get a job.

You'll probably need a DNA test.

If you have doubts about your relationship, now might be a good time to bring this up. Maybe get a lawyer first to discuss things.

YetAnotherCommenter · 2014-05-26T02:33:01+00:00

My girlfriend found out she is pregnant today. For most couples I guess this is great news... but we never wanted to have kids, and she was on the pill to avoid it.

Obviously that didn't work out, and when she found out today, she told me "we are keeping it".

Doesn't this come off as suspicious?

Sure, the pill is not 100% failure-proof. But if she was so adamant about no kids and suddenly swapped positions only after falling pregnant that raises a bit of a red flag, to me.

Perhaps she was lying about not wanting kids then secretly stopped taking the pill?

Unfortunately you're screwed in this. You may want to consider freezing your sperm and getting a vasectomy just as an act of petty revenge (and because its YOUR reproductive material to control!) and prevent any more "happy accidents" in the future.

No child should be an unwanted child.

aussietoads · 2014-05-26T03:40:15+00:00

" She is absolutely adamant that she is going to have the baby despite conversations we've had "

Well, if I were you, I would be adamant that you need a paternity test when the child is born. If the child's is yours, take responsibility. If it isn't, start walking.

JimiJons · 2014-05-26T04:02:56+00:00

You have one real option: be a good father.

Your life is now changed irrevocably and you'll need to work harder to make ends meet, but this is the reality of your situation. There are no outs that maintain you as a moral and responsible person. This is not the end of your life. Your freedom and happiness may have taken a big wallop, but you will still have freedom and happiness. Raise your child correctly, and you'll see plenty of good days in the future.

Shlapper · 2014-05-26T01:33:32+00:00

This is an extremely hard lesson learnt. A child or the prospect of one shouldn't be the punishment, but it looks as though it might be. Your only options are to stay and care for and raise and love the child as best you can; allow the mother full custody and probably be stuck paying for the child for the next 18 years (I wouldn't choose this); leave for another country out of reach of your own. There's no easy option unfortunately.

MRSPArchiver · 2014-05-25T23:15:08+00:00

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IrideTheDirt · 2014-05-26T01:51:11+00:00

Not a lot, except understand that you'll now be accountable to being a father. You obviously have a relationship with this woman, and care for her. She may have thought, in a logical thought exercise that abortion would be the route she would go, but upon the actual situation being real, that option was too much to deal with emotionally. Now, you're not ready to be a father, and you have your complaints about how your life will not proceed as planned. That sucks, and I'm sorry for that. But now there is a child who will depend on you, so, maybe you amend your plans to account for this new unplanned part of your life...

Take it from this unplanned dude, you can have an experience in life with your kid that will be amazing. but if you reject the notion of being a father before you even have a chance to act as one, you'll be certain to miss out on a lot, and selfishly, deprive your child of having their dad in their life.

ravenzephyr1 · 2014-05-26T02:48:19+00:00

No I was thinking along the lines of moving far far away or the other thing.

SRSLovesGawker · 2014-05-26T03:10:28+00:00

Every person's situation is different, but if there is a common thread that I've noticed time and time again is that domestic conflicts, divorce, abuse, and suicide seem strongly correlated with people feeling as though they are "trapped" into situations they desperately don't want. In your case specifically, being trapped into the role of parent and provider that, I presume, you explicitly stated was not what you wanted from life.

Sadly, men have essentially no rights in this. The best you can hope for is to pull the so-called "Hail Mary" and convince her that aborting is the best choice overall. If not, then you can either choose to go fully domestic, or be a remote paycheque. Both have advantages and disadvantages, you'll have to determine which is more appropriate for your situation.

At the very least, look into getting a vasectomy. You can always preserve sperm if you want more children later, but as you're already discovering unplanned children can be hazardous to your life, and you absolutely can not depend on others to protect your interests.

Good luck.

Camdor5 · 2014-05-26T06:17:40+00:00

Life lesson: People can change their minds at the drop of a hat. Some days you like a rare steak, some days you don't. Same thing with any thing. She may not have wanted kids, now she does. If you have any reservations, by all means, get a DNA test.

lafielle · 2014-05-26T09:23:14+00:00

Propose to her.

Invite her to dinner, hire someone to make a video.

Then get on one knee before her: "Honey, I am so sorry we fought over this. I was wrong. I love you.

Honey, I want to be a father to this child. I will take care of this child 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I will change its diaper, I will wash it, I will watch it take its first steps, and grow into a beautiful man or woman.

This morning, I quit my job, so that I can spend every waking moment with this child and with you. I know I am the only source of income, but I also know you will be able to support me and this child. You may need to work two jobs, but do not worry for I will be with this child every moment.

I will call you at work when they take their first steps, I will send you photo's of its first birthday party while you work and when I go to Africa with her and show her the lions and elephants, my thoughts will be with you.

Now, I spent all our savings on this ring, and you do not yet have a job, so times will be tough for a bit, but you will pull us through. You are the strength on which I rely every day, and you will make sure that this child and me will live a comfortable life.

I will never leave you alone, I will always be there to let you provide for me and my child. We may not share a bed again, and we may not spend time together, for you will have to work, and I will have to spend time with our little son or daughter and not have time for you, but you will make our life comfortable and good.

Let us get married and make this our sacred bond, that I will love our child and that you will take care of both of us, provide for us and love us from a distance.

Will you marry me?"

My guess is suddenly she won't be so eager.

Astiolo · 2014-05-26T19:08:41+00:00

Your only hope is reasoning with her. You can't be aggressive, try to start from her perspective and move discussion slowly where you want it to go. People get defensive and will strongly resist suggestions when provided aggressively. Try to plant ideas that lead her to making her own decision not to keep it. You don't need to lie just be careful about slowly introducing likley difficulties and concerns, you could do that while hinting that things would be much better to have a child later on.

Wildcard342 · 2014-05-26T01:14:50+00:00

You have the right to leave just as she has the right to keep it. If you don't want a child then leave. I would not be believing that this was an accident btw, it sounds more like this girl has decided to trap you and guilt you into being a father. Honestly, I would just leave especially now when you don't have any major assets to lose. Then live your life as a man rather than as a wallet to this person.

2014-05-26T07:31:30+00:00

Try to find out whether she had been renewing her birth control pill prescription and whether she has lots of untaken ones, and also record her saying that she was on them like you two had agreed. This might be useful evidence later if she lied to you about it.

Sphinx111 · 2014-05-25T23:43:39+00:00

I'd advise you to have a poker face about these things. Apologize and prostrate yourself a little bit for the fight. Smile and say what she wants to hear and that everything is going to be alright because you'll be there. Otherwise she might decide to punish you later on. Don't sign the birth certificate unless you've had the child proven to be yours in some discreet manner. All very humiliating, but that's really the only alternative when you aren't willing to walk away. If you behave well your new-found master might grant you the status of house negro instead of field negro.

ravenzephyr1 · 2014-05-26T02:23:43+00:00

Do that shitty thing that one guy did last year.

hc1218 · 2014-05-26T01:17:53+00:00

this is why /r/mensrights is here. you've been most likely trapped by an evil woman, and you're SOL (shit out of luck). All I have to say is that you need to make your decision and stand by it. No flip flopping or wish washiness. Bail from the country and start a new life is what I would do, but that's probably not for you.

Title	HELP! We're having a baby...
Author	Sphinx111
Upvotes	8
Comments	30
Date	May 25, 2014 11:14 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/mensrights/comments/26h9c7/help-were-having-a-baby/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/help-were-having-a-baby.1617507 https://theredarchive.com/post/1617507

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