Pro Tip: Switch genders when asking for advice online (and how it saved my sanity)

Lethn · 2020-05-18T16:01:08+00:00

I'm glad you're getting things sorted, it is utterly pathetic though how blatant the prejudice is towards men when it comes to women abusing men in particular. If it makes you feel any better you're definitely not paranoid, there have been experiments done even by people on this sub on AmItheAsshole where all they did was flip the genders and the response were totally sympathetic when it was a woman in the scenario versus a man.

I'm being blunt, but these subs in particular are not places to discuss your issues on if you're a man and it's simply because the people there are not mentally fit to be handling these problems not least because of how biased they are against men. This is why for example I go out of my way to warn people about those who peddle things like traditional gender roles and toxic masculinity because it inevitably revolves around blaming men for all their problems even when the situation is not ambiguous and the woman is obviously being abusive.

Reptilian_Brain_420 · 2020-05-18T18:31:24+00:00

" The funny thing is, what I did was against the rules of r/relationships and my post would be deleted if the mods find out. "

Pretty solid evidence of systemic bias or something isn't it?

Realistically, there should be no requirement whatsoever to even state what gender any person involved in the issue is. It shouldn't matter (but, of course, it does)

DanteLivra · 2020-05-18T20:00:58+00:00

It really changes the overall attitude you get.

The sad thing is that they are not really helpful. Most people don't really think about the context and just go with "women=good/ men=bad" mentality.

So even if the climate is more positive, most people on the internet are not that helpful, relationship-wise anyways.

Just go to any advice sub and you'll see what I mean.

And of course, the mods don't want you to prove that there is a double standard.

It's really sad that your voice will always be heard if you are a women but if you're a man, you need to man up until you find or create undeniable evidence.

dueytk · 2020-05-18T17:52:25+00:00

That's a great idea! Thank you for sharing and I'm glad you and your wife are working through it together.

Yepitsme2020 · 2020-05-18T17:31:31+00:00

Wow. This is quite telling. Sorry you've experienced such discrimination when you were seeking help.

jc0187 · 2020-05-19T03:14:13+00:00

I have posted questions on r/marriage and r/relationship_advice often, under other user names of course. What I have noticed was that people on both subs will give less sympathetic advice to me in situations when I clearly state my sex (male). If I posted something neutral or reversed sex, I got useful advice and was met with a completely unbiased opinion. Here is an example:

So this happened a few years ago. I posted in both subs about how my wife had taken my car ( hers was in the shop) , drove it for nearly a week and ran it to empty (fuel light was on). She knew I was getting up early for work the next day, around 3am and had to be at work at 4. I didn’t plan on going out of my way to get gas (she couldn’t even be bothered to give me a heads up) as I thought, incorrectly, that she would be a decent person and replace the gas she used. Anyways, I barely made it to the gas station and was a few minutes late for work. Both subs told me to man up and that it was my fault for not double checking the gas level when she brought the car back home. I was curious about the responses I was getting so I decided to just repost the same exact question a few weeks later, reverse the sexes, and see what the responses were. When I posted this question again, saying that my husband borrowed my car for a week and returned it on empty, causing me to be late for work, everyone jumped on the husband bashing train. I received advice from several posters about how my husband is an inconsiderate asshole and that I should leave him for how he blatantly disregards me and the fact I was late for my job. It was actually pretty eye opening how people will man hate on these subs. So damn sad.

Lion_amongst_gods · 2020-05-18T19:26:35+00:00

Expert- tip: Switch genders for all legal purposes offline, and see how the world suddenly becomes beautiful. Thank you, Canada!

Good for you and your wife. This is one of the happy stories. I hope everything works out well for you.

lIlIIIOK · 2020-05-18T20:29:24+00:00

If you think relationship advice subs are biased towards women, you should see AITA sub, it's mind-blowing.

The very same experiment was done numerous times there and the results were as you'd expect them to be

Mrbipartite · 2020-05-18T19:06:37+00:00

Your wife seems to be an understanding women. 😂

Jim_Jim_Sherew · 2020-05-19T01:14:16+00:00

I think you deserve a virtual 'bro fist' for working on and actually managing to have a positive impact on your relationship. (Assuming this is all true)

Breaking a cycle of abuse can be very difficult, especially since most people don't realize that simply fighting an abuser does nothing but escalates the situation. You have to find a way to make the abuser recognize their own behavior, which can be very difficult and we can't berate anyone for simply having to remove themselves from that situation.

That in order to find help, you have to play gender swap games, and act in a way that would get you banned by most of the mods on reddit! Demonstrates what we try and highlight on this isolated little subreddit. The double standard that politics, law and the accepted news media turn a complete blind eye too.

So I guess just ignore the 'haters.' You do what you need to do for your own health and the health of your relationship.

daddymooch · 2020-05-19T02:10:02+00:00

Truth be told you shouldn’t change genders but just pretend or be a women period in the current climate. This will net you more compassionate advice. Women won’t like the way they are treated if they pretend to be men.

LtChicken · 2020-05-19T00:44:42+00:00

Gender should be entirely out of the equation in relationship advice and AitA-esque subreddits.

5th_Law_of_Robotics · 2020-05-19T02:41:02+00:00

You see that in a lot of subs. AITA is basically asking who is the male in the situation.

perplexedm · 2020-05-18T19:34:25+00:00

You can use archive.is to archive your posts.

double-happiness · 2020-05-19T16:38:10+00:00

several studies found double standards

Seems like you gave the wrong link there BTW, should be to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_abuse#Popular_perceptions I think.

LuckyMuddypaw · 2020-05-18T18:17:29+00:00

I am sorry you had to resort to this. I know that if I were the one giving advise, I wouldn't have cared what gender you are. When people ask for help, they have likely already tried the 'just ignore it'

Also, I can relate to you on some level, as my mother is while not out right abusive, pretty close to it. I can't do anything and when I ask for advice I always get the same reply. I also had to watch my dad get scammed out of money he should have received during their divorce.

valenin · 2020-05-18T18:26:01+00:00

I’m glad this worked out for you, but I’d be wary of adopting your title as a general strategy.

The advice people will give men online and the advice people will give women online is different, and what will actually help men and what will actually help women is often different. Look at all the gender swapped stories on subs like relationship advice. Men are told to suck it up and be better, women are told to drop that loser, Queen. You witnessed it in action first hand. It happens in this case that things worked out but what if you were (to pick an extreme example) looking for advice about facing false allegations from a student at your teaching job? ‘Good’ advice for a woman in that situation would be ruinous for a man.

yoitsericc · 2020-05-19T01:18:08+00:00

That's great and I hope it works but your biggest mistake was getting married in the first place.

cardboardbox47 · 2020-05-19T03:29:06+00:00

Dont take relationship advice from reddit

redveinlover · 2020-05-19T03:52:07+00:00

insert "brilliant move!" meme here. Well done, sir.

theavarageguy18 · 2020-05-19T04:05:16+00:00

Some problems might be seen as big deals but with a different perspective it's way easier

NoodleDoodleyt · 2020-05-19T23:36:58+00:00

Labeling yourself as another gender/sexuality shouldn't be against the rules, for this very reason.

copezvz · 2020-05-18T21:21:07+00:00

I don't want to be mean, but how can a woman be abusive to a man because that concept is so unrealistic to me. again not judging, just wondering.

Title	Pro Tip: Switch genders when asking for advice online (and how it saved my sanity)
Author	griii2
Upvotes	579
Comments	69
Date	May 18, 2020 3:52 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/gm40l5/pro_tip_switch_genders_when_asking_for_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/pro-tip-switch-genders-when-asking-for-advice.852225 https://theredarchive.com/post/852225

Comments