Problems with school system from being a divorced Dad.

2012-09-26T22:41:23+00:00

I had a similar problem with the schools after my first husband and I separated--we had joint physical as well as legal custody, and we decided to keep the kids in the schools they were going to before we separated as they were very good schools and the kids didn't need any additional disruption to their lives anyway. I went to register the kids and was told that I couldn't because they had to go to school where I lived, not where my husband lived. BUT, I said, we have 50/50 custody--too bad! said the secretary. You have to choose a primary parent and THAT'S where the child goes to school. NO, I said, we don't have to choose a primary parent, we have JOINT CUSTODY. Well, who will they be with more? she asked, and I said, NOBODY, we have JOINT CUSTODY, we are SHARING CUSTODY, OMG..! Finally I gave up and lied and said their dad had primary custody, at which time they told me they had to talk to him before they'd let me register the kids because there might be custody issues that the NONCUSTODIAL PARENT (me, now, in their tiny little minds!?) wouldn't tell them about...

As you see, I have no advice in dealing with these people other than to have a really big drink of something alcoholic afterwards.

chavelah · 2012-09-26T23:19:19+00:00

You registered the child. NOBODY SHOULD HAVE CHANGED THE ORIGINAL REGISTRATION INFORMATION WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. If my husband were allowed to go in and change our registration info, I would be livid. We're happily married, but how the hell is the school secretary supposed to know that? I'm the primary contact for the school because I signed the child up, and any changes that might need to be made, she'll hear about directly from me.

Good luck with the principal.

Juan_Golt · 2012-09-26T22:30:54+00:00

Court orders aren't worth as much as you'd think. No one is going to sanction a public school over what they see as your hurt feelings (and schools know this). Many states have laws about joint custody situations in which the parties must agree not to impede access to a child's information. It's extremely difficult to get anyone sanctioned for this as well. Schools are setup to deal with complaining parents, you will burn a lot of time and get nowhere.

You're better off going after mom rather than going after the school. Try to gain decision making authority over educational needs. Cite her lack of involvement. Also try to keep track of documentation that she isn't sharing with you. This is also to verify your assertions that she is either acting in bad faith, or at least disorganized.

My recommendation: Calm any rage you have over being treated unfairly. No one sees the unfairness but you, and it will just make you look like the random angry guy.

Try to make friends with other parents. Get involved in the PTA and volunteer. PTA is a great way to get on the inside of a school, and they love having dads involved. You can gain a surprising amount of influence just by running the copy jobs for teachers. Honey is the path here, not vinegar. It's a win for the kids you help when volunteering, it's a win for the school/PTA who always need help and I guarantee your parenting role will be seen much more clearly.

rapiertwit · 2012-09-26T22:33:13+00:00

Maybe this is irrelevant, but if one of your problems is that there's only one email address field in their database, you can set up a third email account, give that address to them, and set it up to forward all mail to both you and your ex. It won't help with snail mail of course.

robobreasts · 2012-09-26T23:10:51+00:00

Public schools suck and don't care about you. I send my kids to a private school where they want my money, so they have to at least pretend to care about me and educating my kids.

hardwarequestions · 2012-09-27T01:35:37+00:00

i have the ever-increasing feeling this sub sends more and more people to /r/childfree every day.

best of luck OP. take pride in your dedication to your children.

CatManDontDo · 2012-09-27T00:06:35+00:00

My friend I am sorry that this is happening because it is just another terrible problem with not only our school system, but our society as a whole. I am a teacher and I can tell you right out of the gate that if the principal of your child's school is a woman (and in an elementary school it probably will be) you likely don't have a prayer.

I myself was recently told, in more politically correct and non-contestable language, that I had to shave my beard and cut my hair or I wouldn't have a job much longer. So I know about the sexism in schools especially toward men. The prevailing thought unfortunately is much like when Malcom X said that black people can't be racist. People think now that women can't be sexist. It is so wrong it makes me sick. There are numerous other examples I could share about the sexism in schools towards men but that's not the point of this post.

My advice not only for dealing with a female principal, but really anyone in school administration, because I feel like this will most likely shoot up the chain quickly, is know that they are always used to getting their way and are always on some sort of power trip to assert their dominance. I know it may be hard as a man, and a father to assume to give someone else control over something that seems so simple but I promise you making them feel like they are in charge will go a long way. I'm not saying give up ground to them, but rather play the game. Defer to their much greater knowledge, even though the person who is principal most likely has washed out of actually teaching for one reason or another so they took them to be a principal with an online degree and little to no experience. Next, don't let them deflect you with other topics, stay on course and know what you are there for. Don't let things get dragged on in a long conversation. You are there for a reason, stick to it. They will try to assuage your fears by saying "it is for your child's best interest." As a teacher, and I really hate to say this, most school principals have no idea who your kid is and are only worried about the bottom line and their school getting a good review so they can get a pay bump.

I know that got a little wordy but basically if the principal can't see reason then on the way out ask that secretary, who by the way in most schools and school districts has no authority to change any record without approval from the principal, to give you the number for the School District superintendent.

All that said I hope that I am 100% wrong about your meeting tomorrow, that everything goes the way it should and that the principal will see reason. If I understand what you're saying correctly you don't care that your ex-wife gets to know about school things, you just would like to know as well. To me that is a more than reasonable request that should have no trouble being filled.

As a public school teacher I will always be an advocate for public education but if all else fails go with what robobreasts said. Private School, at least they will listen to you. Trust me I know the bureaucratic nonsense sucks the big one. Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

Rex9 · 2012-09-27T03:21:43+00:00

Funny, I just posted a rage vent to my Facebook feed on this very subject. My Ex is a teacher. Those bitches stick together, even when they know she's a cheating whore. 5 years and tons of subtle parental alienation later, still a second class citizen. Despite rational conversations with teachers and administrators, none of them gives a shit.

We are nothing but ATM's. Directly for the mothers, indirectly for the court system.

I'm so angry right now I can't even express it. And I've been trying so hard to let go of it. Being a father was a core part of who I was. Having a judge take that away from me just about killed me.

baskandpurr · 2012-09-26T22:35:37+00:00

Not sure what you can do other than talk to your lawyer about this. The school is being sexist to you and your ex seems to be stonewalling you on your kid's education which is horrible. Can't you at least get a court order on the mom must share all school related info with you? On the software thing that doesn't surprise me the sort of software school's use generally sucks beyond a doubt.

elchuck · 2012-09-27T01:47:41+00:00

The school must make accommodation for both parents regardless of the computer systems lack of function. Threat of lawsuit to a principal is very effective especially if you can show documentation. Documentation as in time line of events. On one sheet of paper! Simple, to the point.
Talk to the school counselor about this. You will be amazed at their ability to make things happen in a school. Just be honest with the counselor and tell him or her your situation. A school counselor knows more about the issues than the principal.
File complaint with the assistant superintendent of personnel sighting discrimination. If this does not get response, work your way up to the school board.
If by the time you get to the school board there is no resolution to your satisfaction, then there is something wrong with your case.
Send letter to the state school board and file a complaint against not only the school district but the dumb assed principal who hired the sexist secretary.
You win once they are scared of you and your ability to show the community the inner workings of the school.

I was a school employee for a long time, and have a doctorate in education and now i am a professor. I have seen schools lose lawsuits Over a teacher "throwing a face" at a parent, basically the stink eye or a mean face. Don't go in with guns a blazing, go in calm, organized, and express a sincere desire to help your child in school. In order for you to help you need to be in the middle of the loop. Don't bad talk mom either, just your desire to help your child achieve at the highest level possible under the terrible situation.

oneiorosgrip · 2012-09-27T04:38:35+00:00

When you walk in the door, be ready with your points lined up.

It's important to make sure the central things are emphasized. You have a goal - don't let extraneous stuff get into the way, even if it's bad enough to get under your skin.

Go in with the attitude that the meeting is about ensuring that your child gets the full benefit of attendance at that school. By choosing to provide the school-to-family information to the secondary parent rather than to the primary parent, the school is withholding from you the tools you need to do your part to make sure he gets that benefit. That is the thing that needs to be remedied.

The cause of the problem is secondary to achieving a solution, even though it is an act of discrimination. If you walk in with blame as your focus, you'll get nothing done. If you walk in with improvement as your focus, you may walk out with a positive result.

Once you've established the nature of the problem (you're not getting information because the school is sending it to the mother,) then is the time to discuss correcting the secretary's "mistake." (If you approach it as a mistake rather than an intentional slight, you'll get further with the administrators, who still have to work with her after you leave.)

State what you want done, and when they tell you it can't be done, tell them what you are willing to accept. You've said you want the software updated. If they tell you it's not in the budget, then ask them to update your information to list you as the primary parent as you were originally listed prior to the secretary's "mistake" so that the school will no longer be in the position of withholding from you important information and updates about your kid. If email is brought up, point out all of the information that does not get included in email messages.

2012-09-27T12:40:33+00:00

I'd say your arguments are already good ones the secretary is just a bitch. Go over her head to the principal (like you are). If that doesn't work, go over their head. Keep going up the chain of command until you find someone who doesn't have their head up their ass.

rightsbot · 2012-09-26T21:48:18+00:00

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Bobsutan · 2012-09-27T03:04:59+00:00

I would have requested a representative from the school district be in attendance as well.

SleepingOnMoonshine · 2012-09-27T03:53:05+00:00

Okay so the mother sounds bad, but I think it should be a joint parent thing anyways. I think the school should be able to work with dual households as well. The fact that they can't is fucking stupid. But, they can't. So you need to communicate better with the mother. But she won't comply. I don't know, man. It sounds rough.

TracyMorganFreeman · 2012-09-27T04:44:48+00:00

A)Their software allows for only one primary parent's address. This is the address that notes home go to, and the address/contact info that the teachers use to form class contact lists. B) They communicate with me via e-mail and they can't be expected to keep track of which parent is parenting at which time.

So they realize that email can go to more than parent...

Gentlemen, I just need advice for the conversation with the principal tomorrow morning. Suggestions?

I would review school policy in case the staff is mistaken or full of crap. I would refrain from immediately jumping to accusations as well, but even if the evidence starts pointing that way, I'd still initially not accuse and may need to get the lawyer involved.

pakiswag · 2012-09-27T06:40:30+00:00

Best of luck to you sir.

DougDante · 2012-09-27T11:48:20+00:00

I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice.

FERPA requires the school to provide all information about students to parents (in general, that means parents with legal custody). The court order for joint custody likely requires information sharing between parents also. Since you know when report cards and other information are available from the calendar, you could send a written FERPA request for all up to date records including "blah" each time they come out, and send a written request to mom for the same information (certified mail with return receipt is recommended). Mom's documented refusal over time to follow court orders can be used in court, and the school's documented refusal to provide records, should they do so, could be used by the federal Department of Education to cut their federal funds. They tend to comply after the feds mention the potential loss of funding.

FireTruth · 2012-09-27T05:46:46+00:00

in the end.. as a last resort... use the L word... lawsuite for sexual discrimnation... bladow!

you have all the rights... they should not give the mother a single perference over you.

Title	Problems with school system from being a divorced Dad.
Author	walk_through_this
Upvotes	73
Comments	40
Date	September 26, 2012 9:47 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/10j26u/problems_with_school_system_from_being_a_divorced/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/problems-with-school-system-from-being-a-divorced.1012664 https://theredarchive.com/post/1012664

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