Does asking for things in an LTR work?

Texastentialism · 2019-07-02T22:39:21+00:00

Like Tr1bute said, it really depends on what you're asking for. Sometimes there are things that people genuinely don't realize they're doing or not doing, and bringing it to their attention can help. But IMO that's more for little things like, "You listen to music pretty loud, can you maybe wear headphones from now on?" or "I've noticed you don't lock the door when you're the last one in. Maybe set a reminder on your phone."

I don't think this works for big, overarching habits in a person's life or general incompatibility. Which is more like what it sounds like you're describing in your OP.

I don't think the girl in this scenario is ever going to be an affectionate, romantic person. She's not neglecting to do these things because they don't cross her mind. And I don't think she's neglecting to do it because of your "conditioning." She's not doing it because it's just not in her character to do.

Trying to change her would be a waste of your time. Chalk this up to lesson learned. Now you know what you need from a gf and can screen for that in future relationships.

You should also avoid covert contracts. I get the impression that you think "I did XYZ for her, the least she could do is ABC for me!" Which is a perfectly natural and reasonable thing to think, but it's a recipe for resentment. Be as romantic as you're inclined to be for your own purposes and nothing more. Don't do it with the expectation that it will be reciprocated.

ThisIsJustATr1bute · 2019-07-02T22:16:02+00:00

The answers are wildly different depending on what you are asking for.

There are plenty of concrete things you can ask for, and even abstract emotional things, if you do it right. Sometimes that isn’t asking so much as rewarding and saying “I am so happy when you do x” and being affectionate after they do it.

If you are wanting to ask for someone to be more into you, that is negotiating attraction and it never works.

diffdedbed · 2019-07-02T22:31:51+00:00

So you didn't explain the issue and asked for a break?

Seriously?

Wow.

poppy_blu · 2019-07-02T23:25:44+00:00

I’d love to say that when you’ve been passive and suddenly assert your needs that your SO will wake up and realize what they have and shape up. But it doesn’t always work that way. As you’ve said she’s been conditioned to let you do the work and to take you for granted. What’s the motivation for changing?

That said if she’s really worth it to you, try it. If she doesn’t change just be ready to walk.

wtknight · 2019-07-02T23:56:15+00:00

I've never been with a woman who put much creative effort into the relationship. Usually it is the man who puts the effort in because he's the one who wants the sexual rewards that result from that effort more. If a man expects the woman to put in a lot of creative effort and doesn't want to put in that effort himself, he shouldn't be surprised when she encounters another man who is willing to put in that effort. Men are just thirstier and thus more active in the relationship - it's nature. Women are usually more passive in general.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2019-07-02T22:24:18+00:00

Orange_Paisley · 2019-07-02T23:42:59+00:00

You should have had a talk with her about what you wanted/needed out of your relationship. Your "break" is not going to work because you never learned how to communicate. And even if you break up, you will just run into the same issues in your next relationship because you don't know how to communicate with a partner.

GridReXX · 2019-07-02T23:51:06+00:00

Communication is key.

With an ex he would always say stuff like “I have a habit of doing more and not getting the same reciprocated.”

It always jarred me because i felt the same exact way in that relationship 😂

Long story short we had exact opposite love languages and personalities. So we both thought we were doing the most. And we both thought we were getting lacking effort in return lol.

My advice? Date people more compatible to you. Sure he and I could make it work. But it would take a lot of effort and extreme mindfulness since what we wanted out of each other didn’t come naturally to us, respectively.

So when I say “communication is key,” sometimes the communication leads to understanding just how unaligned you both are on an intrinsic level and ending things amicably.

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QueenCousland86 · 2019-07-02T22:41:49+00:00

This is called setting boundaries. Boundaries are not just what you won't tolerate, they're also things that you need.

SweetLikeTupeloHoney · 2019-07-03T00:49:02+00:00

For me it always seems to work in the short term but things seem to resort back to the way they were eventually. Either I learn to deal with it or ask again and repeat.

SqueaksScreech · 2019-07-03T02:38:39+00:00

It depends on what you're asking. Y'all seem to have a communication problem. It's better if y'all sit down and figure out what's going on, how you're feeling, what you're thinking, also ask yourself what are some things you would like to work on.

My partner and I barely got back on good terms after a week of fighting and passive aggressive comments. Not gonna lie at that time we forgot how to communicate and we were acting like children because at the time we felt like we were children not full grown adults.

rfdshadow · 2019-07-03T23:26:43+00:00

I believe that affection cannot really be negotiated...

For girls , affection is usually an uncontrollable feeling that a girl will have for her significant other, usually heightened after s bonding activity, like sex.

She either is not that kind of person OR she doesn’t feel that way towards you...

rasmelo · 2019-07-04T04:56:42+00:00

Ask for sure. I am in a great LTR. If we didn't ask each other for stuff, we would be going in blind.

sadomasochrist · 2019-07-04T20:48:29+00:00

Only if your agreements have teeth.

Tyler_Gatsby · 2019-07-02T23:18:05+00:00

Can relate with this. Basically went the route you did, hoping she'd jump to fixing what my problems were with her (one sided relationship like you said) of me doing all the cooking and cleaning, and such.

She had her own place too, but I usually took the initiative of doing things like washing the dishes first when I stayed over. I thought she'd be ecstatic to have a guy who wasn't a lazy piece of shit like the last one she bitched about, but she just quickly became accustomed to having bf butler maid coming over.

In hindsight, I wish I would have gotten kind of mean, and "been a man" about it, and flat out told her what I expected of her and to do it. Might could have fixed/salvaged our relationship. My guess is she won't change anything if you just give in, and go back, without making clear demands or terms that you are agreeing to.

Title	Does asking for things in an LTR work?
Author	theprivateselect
Upvotes	2
Comments	34
Date	July 2, 2019 10:12 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/c8fu5s/does_asking_for_things_in_an_ltr_work/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/does-asking-for-things-in-an-ltr-work.255106 https://theredarchive.com/post/255106

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