Conflict Resolution For Happy Relationships

Camille11325 · 2017-10-09T20:32:55+00:00

I was so pleased to stumble across this website and I hope this overview is helpful!

This approach to conflict resolution really complements RPW ideas since the focus is on remaining respectful and maintaining harmony. We have a lot of posts and comments on reducing and diffusing conflict so concepts like the four horsemen and the magic ratio are perfect additions to round out our discussions.

I agree with Gottman + co that conflict is a natural part of a relationship. It isn't always possible or ideal to let things go without discussion and when we find ourselves in these situations it is great to know that there are constructive options.

I literally just found this an hour ago so I will be reflecting more on these ideas and how they relate to RP concepts and theories including my relationship dynamics categories.

SylviaToday · 2017-10-10T02:31:41+00:00

This is really useful. Most of it is familiar but their description of defensiveness is totally new to me and, of, I am absolutely guilty of this sometimes. Using righteous indignation or innocent victimhood to ward off perceived criticism...I had never put this into words to myself, but I can see it now! Definitely gives me something to think about.

littleeggwyf · 2017-10-10T16:26:01+00:00

This makes a lot of sense really and some good things to remember, thankyou ☺

The causing conflict when men are disinterested or irritable about daily conversation I kind of get. I try to be patient and respect that hubs has been at work before unloading about daily things. If he is tired and stressed it's better to wait and take care of his stress first before piling more on

MxUnicorn · 2017-10-10T20:29:21+00:00

"Culture of appreciation," I love that. It's really important to keep showing that you love and appreciate your partner or husband.

One thing that helps when we're arguing is physical contact. Even just touching our feet together helps us feel connected when we're upset with each other. Reminds us that we're in this together and jump starts the making-up process.

whitebunny87 · 2017-10-10T21:32:51+00:00

Yes I love this study. I've come across it a couple of times and it all just makes so much sense. I also love the idea of a "culture of appreciation" - respect, gratitude, affection, and companionship sums it up so nicely.

The skills of conflict management might seem like common sense, but at the same time are so, so difficult to implement when you're emotionally heated. They all seem to be oriented towards diffusing negative emotions, which is wonderful because conflict is dangerous precisely because it happens in the context of heated emotions, I think. When you're angry/upset a conflict stops being about the issue at hand, and quickly becomes about trying to be right or to "win". Reframing it in terms of something that you're trying to overcome and solve together is very wise, and calming yourself and the situation before working at this is critical.

jack_hammarred · 2017-10-11T17:37:53+00:00

Softening the startup is SO important. If you can’t put down the accusations, blame, judgement, and negative feelings you’ll never have a productive conversation. I think couples who don’t soften startup are essentially more invested in making their partners feel the negative repercussions of the mistake than they are invested in reclaiming common ground.

The competitive mindset is another deal breaker, in my opinion. Marriage isn’t a competition, it’s a partnership. You are on the same team, and this conflict is you both taking the bench to regroup your strategy to figure out how you can get back to achieving your goals as a couple.

People seem to be unwilling to acknowledge their mistakes and accept responsibility for them. I understand that eating crow is uncomfortable, but you know what’s awesome about being the person who made a mistake? It is ENTIRELY within your control to fix said mistake! Would you rather the problem and solution be within your own hands, or someone else’s? A lot of problems arise in relationships when women try to take and keep control of too many things. I think those same women are often women who fail to control themselves, and fail to leverage control over their own behaviors and actions and thoughts that, if aptly controlled, would improve their relationships.

The phrase “Let me try again” is an important but tricky one. You are two different people, with different minds. You will often have to rephrase yourself until you land on a message that lands correctly. What you’re trying to say is just as impactful as what your partner actually hears and understands, so work together and be patient as you find the correct ways to message your thoughts. Don’t cheat this by lying until you come up with something that appeases your partner, of course.

Common ground is essential. You may never come to actually agree and accept and endorse the opposite view, but you can find something to agree on. Find that something.

When it comes to the four horseman… remember that regardless of what has transpired, you DID love this person at one point. It’s possible to be decent and avoid these things with total strangers, you can at least not do these things to the person you’ve tied yourself to.

I love the 5:1 positive interactions!!! I think my boyfriend and I are particularly good about displaying interest, finding opportunities or agreement, and making jokes. As a physical touch fiend, I essentially cannot address conflict without expressing affection. I prefer all conflicts happen with at least three points of contact. Like a ladder, for safety. :) I need to work on accepting my partner’s perspective… I still don’t entirely understand some things, and in trying to get the solution I’m quick to try and put things together before he actually weighs in. It’s not as volatile as dismissing his perspective, but even though it’s meant correctly it’s still making assumptions.

69% of relationship issues never get resolved because they spring from personality differences between partners.

OMG. This blows my mind, I was saying the exact same thing the other day. Basically, I think everyone is sort of destined/doomed to repeat the same struggles with themselves and with their partners for the rest of our lives. Same shit, different day. While my struggle with Same Shit was about a three years ago, today I struggle with Same Shit a + 3 but at a more advanced level. I navigated Same Shit a with a certain strategy, it take’s a more refined and improved strategy to navigate Same Shit a + 3. I find the same thing in conflict with my man. We are dealing with the same issues, because we are the same humans with the same characteristics. We successfully traversed Same Shit a in the conflict six months ago, but now that conflict has come back around because our standards are improving. We fix all the important stuff, it works, but now we find something that is simply possible to improve upon and make perfect, so we now work to fix that. It’s annoying to always have the Same Shit to fix… but thank God I found a man I love and like to have the Same Shit conflicts with for the next 100 years of my life.

80% of the time, women bring up issues in heterosexual relationships.

This is really interesting to me. I agree it’s likely the case in my relationship, but I try not to. I’m on a constant cycle… “Do I really need to do, say, think, feel, or question this?” What I try to do is ensure he has an opportunity to bring up what’s bothering him, what’s on his mind, what he would like to improve. I know we are both prone to bottling things up inside ourselves and not wanting to burden the other person with it, which has its advantages and disadvantages. We’re both very intuitive with one another, but that’s almost more harmful if we aren’t willing to address the elephant in the room.

Male disinterest and irritability in routine conversations (e.g. going over the events of the day) more often than not leads to women initiating conflict, even if unrelated to the routine discussion. Men who take the lead in maintaining the companionship aspect of the marriage have happier marriages.

SO IMPORTANT. My workaround for this is to basically always have something interesting in my day… be it something I did, someone I talked to, something I learned about. (I often try to include things that he is more interested in than I am, which is in a way pointless because he will likely always know vastly more about those things than I will, but when we strike on something I’m also interested in it puts him in a position to teach me stuff which is something that’s really good for us.) If he knows there are interesting things and that I provide a source of entertainment, he’ll be more likely to initiate this companionship aspect. But I don’t lead with this myself, ever, unless something exceptionally exciting happened that I think requires his input. I always make a point to be mindful of what he is up to and working toward, and diversify the questions I ask to have these routine conversations.

I think all of these conflict strategies and the accompanying information to reinforce male and female leadership alike. He is deciding which direction to go in, and we follow that while supporting the partnership.

Five Dysfunctions of a Team.pdf) is my favorite book ever. I employ those three actions constantly and it serves me very well :)

dailyqt · 2017-10-10T17:21:03+00:00

For me, my favorite thing to keep in mind is that if my husband says something mean or unkind on accident(or out of frustration) (EDIT Unless it's straight up unreasonable,then I'll call him out in the kindest tone I can muster and if that doesn't work then proceed to the next step. If he's said something really unreasonable he usually just admits defeat) I'll wait until we're far enough removed from the situation to tell him how it made me feel. Every time I call him out immediately he instinctively goes into defense mode, which also makes me more annoyed. If I wait until we're in the car or something, driving to work or whatever else, I'll tell him how it made me feel, and there's almost a 100% success rate of him immediately admitting fault and apologizing, and not really repeating that mistake. He probably has some strategy of addressing the mean things that I say on accident/out of frustration, but I don't know about it. Whatever his strategy is, it seems to be working bc we never really fight heh.

littleeggwyf · 2017-10-10T15:54:18+00:00

This all seems really sensible and good to remember, i think these are good strategies

One thing i definitely recognise is the disinterest and irritability in routine conversations leading to initiating conflict. I've found that sometimes I need to be patient and have that kind of conversation later than i would naturally like. I kind of just like to unload my brain if it's been a bad day but if he's frazzled from work then it isn't going to get a proper response. Better to be patient, and sometimes I encourage hubs to go for a run or something first because he's obviously not in the room.

Pushing for conversation NOW because I want to decompress causes unnecessary friction, so i try and be patient and remember that his work stress needs taking care of first sometimes.

littleeggwyf · 2017-10-10T15:54:22+00:00

This all seems really sensible and good to remember, i think these are good strategies

One thing i definitely recognise is the disinterest and irritability in routine conversations leading to initiating conflict. I've found that sometimes I need to be patient and have that kind of conversation later than i would naturally like. I kind of just like to unload my brain if it's been a bad day but if he's frazzled from work then it isn't going to get a proper response. Better to be patient, and sometimes I encourage hubs to go for a run or something first because he's obviously not in the room.

Pushing for conversation NOW because I want to decompress causes unnecessary friction, so i try and be patient and remember that his work stress needs taking care of first sometimes.

littleeggwyf · 2017-10-10T15:54:39+00:00

This all seems really sensible and good to remember, i think these are good strategies

One thing i definitely recognise is the disinterest and irritability in routine conversations leading to initiating conflict. I've found that sometimes I need to be patient and have that kind of conversation later than i would naturally like. I kind of just like to unload my brain if it's been a bad day but if he's frazzled from work then it isn't going to get a proper response. Better to be patient, and sometimes I encourage hubs to go for a run or something first because he's obviously not in the room.

Pushing for conversation NOW because I want to decompress causes unnecessary friction, so i try and be patient and remember that his work stress needs taking care of first sometimes.

littleeggwyf · 2017-10-10T15:56:26+00:00

This all seems really sensible and good to remember, i think these are good strategies

One thing i definitely recognise is the disinterest and irritability in routine conversations leading to initiating conflict. I've found that sometimes I need to be patient and have that kind of conversation later than i would naturally like. I kind of just like to unload my brain if it's been a bad day but if he's frazzled from work then it isn't going to get a proper response. Better to be patient, and sometimes I encourage hubs to go for a run or something first because he's obviously not in the room.

Pushing for conversation NOW because I want to decompress causes unnecessary friction, so i try and be patient and remember that his work stress needs taking care of first sometimes.

reddishrobin · 2017-10-18T22:37:15+00:00

This is excellent information. I shall put it into practice. When SO was mad at me I used to argue back and defend myself and the argument escalated. Now I just walk away and go to my room and allow him time to cool down. Within 20 minutes he always comes to me and apologises and we can discuss rationally without all that angry emotion. Thanks for sharing.

Conflict Resolution For Happy Relationships - Research-Backed Strategies For Success

Underlying Principles

The Six Skills Of Conflict Management

The Four Horseman Of The Apocalypse

The “Magic Ratio”

Examples Of Positive Interactions

Other Interesting Findings From Their Research

Discussion Questions

Comments

Title	Conflict Resolution For Happy Relationships - Research-Backed Strategies For Success
Author	Camille11325
Upvotes	18
Comments	23
Date	October 9, 2017 8:09 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/75bsxz/conflict_resolution_for_happy_relationships/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/conflict-resolution-for-happy-relationships.208741 https://theredarchive.com/post/208741