Feeling done

blushingoleander · 2021-04-26T12:30:23+00:00

Hugs and sympathy.

When my husband went through a bit of job loss related depression (for over a year), I had to give up on him a little and focus on my own life. I told him I was there for him, wanted to do stuff with him but was no longer avoiding friends and activities because he didn't want to do anything.

It didn't fix him but it made my life happier.

If you feel done with him then be done. Not done with the marriage but refocus your energy on yourself and tell him that you are available when he's ready to get his life in order.

I don't think you can rpw your way out of everything. Sometimes the only thing is to be blunt and "selfish" while he straightens himself out.

just_a_mum · 2021-04-26T03:35:57+00:00

I dont have time to write out a comprehensive answer, I'm sorry. But I just wanted to say that you can't change him. You can only make changes in yourself. I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time, especially with Covid. As a man with OCD, this past year has had to have been really hard for your husband, which of course is going to trickle down to you.

Work on self care, do things that make you happy. Keep showering him with love and affection because you want to, not because you expect anything in return.

FlouncyMcTwinkle · 2021-04-25T17:59:21+00:00

Sometimes knowing when to stop and put yourself and your needs first is the best thing you can do. Stop chasing and start doing things for you instead. See where that takes you. Good luck. Its hard being the only one trying. X

lavenderhoneywoods · 2021-04-25T22:21:30+00:00

He has OCD? Does he see a therapist? It sounds like you need individual and couples counseling. It’s not a quick fix but truly having an objective 3rd party is helpful. He either doesn’t fully comprehend how hurtful his behavior is or he does and doesn’t care. A therapist can help with the former, and if it’s the latter, you can re-negotiate terms for your marriage with a therapist together. I would also advise spiritual counseling with clergy if you are religious.

I understand you don’t want to divorce for the sake of your kids. I also wouldn’t want to leave my kids alone with an ex who has untreated OCD, and I wouldn’t wan to become a single parent because my spouse refused to seek help. This so such a hard position to be in. Because mental illness is in the picture, I think therapy has to be part of the solution. You can be the best wife in the world, and he will still need therapy and maybe meds to manage his OCD.

santarosa2020 · 2021-04-25T16:10:03+00:00

Sometimes we need to step back as wives and let our husbands lead. This may be one of those times in your marriage. When the children recover from covid, let him be the one to seduce you for "adult time". If he can't be bothered to say I love you and give kisses, "adult time" won't happen. Let him be the decider, but hold firm to your responsible requests (like kisses and "I love you's").

HappilyMrs · 2021-04-27T13:07:33+00:00

It really sounds like you're unhappy right now, and that's understandable. Can you get some personal therapy to give you someone to talk to?

anothergoodbook · 2021-04-25T20:50:05+00:00

[removed]

kze21 · 2021-04-25T17:50:33+00:00

I’m sorry if I am repeating things you have already heard I’m fairly new to this page so I am not familiar with your situation... Do you know what your husbands love language is? Are you loving him in that way? I don’t remember all the correct terms( there’s a whole book website etc devoted to love languages I kind of plucked what I needed and applied it in a Fascinating womanhood/feminine way) but for me to feel loved I need quality time and my husband needs physical intimacy, it sounds like that is what you are pursuing but it is not what your husband needs to feel loved.

It is incredibly difficult to put effort into what someone else needs when your not getting what you need but I have found when we start to feel disconnected and he retreats I need to push aside my “ well I’m not getting what I need “ feelings and do what he needs and it brings it back connection, he starts giving me what I need with out having to nag or ask. I for years loved my husband with “acts of service” and that was not what he needed it made me exhausted and left him feeling disconnected.

Maybe physical intimacy is something he needs but is not what makes him feel loved and connected to you, maybe he needs acts of service or gifts for example.

I also will note I work on personal development everyday I read books watch YouTube videos or listen to podcasts I put in a lot of time to learning things that will help my marriage and my family. My husband has absolutely no interest in anything to do with the sort...and that’s okay! That’s why I am here I can have discussions about what I am learning and interested in with other women and concentrate conversations with my husband on things we both are interested in! He doesn’t have to work on himself for you to make you better, it’s your journey.

Title	Feeling done
Author	anothergoodbook
Upvotes	22
Comments	25
Date	April 25, 2021 4:01 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/myb813/feeling_done/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/feeling-done.761175 https://theredarchive.com/post/761175

Comments