I’ve been hanging out here for a while (under different names at times). And I’ve been trying to work on myself for the sake of my marriage. But I’m so so tired of doing it and just not seeing him make the same (or even many) efforts. It’s like him saying “I’m trying” is supposed to be good enough. But me saying it is not at all good enough.

We’ve been in quarantine the last few weeks. I kept saying how much I looked forward to him being out of isolation and to hug and kiss him. He barely gave me a kiss on the day he got out. We had sex that evening. And that’s about it. Then the kids tested positive and he’s shut me out because of his OCD again. I would ask “you seem bothered by something are you okay” through clenched teeth “I’m fine”. But I get the cold shoulder for 2 weeks. We are seriously living entirely like roommates. We haven’t said I love you in at least a week and there’s been maybe one kiss (just a peck). And maybe a 2 second conversation here or there about household things.

In the past I would have been freaking out over what I did and how to fix things and how to get things back in order. And I’ve done that. But I have no desire. Not even an ounce to try and out any of that energy into it. When he’s feeling better and out of his mood he might make some half hearted attempt. I don’t know. I just don’t care.

I read the marriage books, listen to podcasts, get on forums like this - he doesn’t do any of it. He thinks he can muscle through whatever’s wrong and if it doesn’t work it’s my fault (I’m too picky or want too many things). I’m tired of trying figure out what to wear to bed at night to make him attracted to me. I’m tired of trying to plan date nights that are just not prioritized by him. I’m trying of trying to meet his love language when he can’t be bothered to meet mine (doesn’t come naturally to him - y’know). I’m tired of always walking around like I’m flawed and it’s all on my shoulders to be better, do better... so that he’ll engage or initiate sex or whatever...

Anyway... I’m tired. I have no one else to really talk to here at the moment. And I’m so freaking lonely. AND my period is going to start any day so there’s that on top of everything...