Husband doesn't think I am supportive

p3n3lop3 · 2018-07-11T04:02:10+00:00

If his business is in a low period, can't he help out more at home? Good grief.

JustScrollOnward · 2018-07-11T04:30:42+00:00

It sounds like you need to be vulnerable with your husband. From reading your comments, it seems he has strong opinions. I think you just need to break down a bit and tell him, “I WANT To support your more. I really do. I’m just so emotionally and physically exhausted that I’m having a hard time. I really need to make some changes so our family can be happier. Can we make some compromises here?” And see what you come up with, whether that’s paying for a cleaner or someone to fold laundry and do some chores around the house (make lunches even?). Or how old are your kids, can they get a chore chart? If you come at it trying to tackle the problem together, I bet you can find a way for you to support each other.

StingrayVC · 2018-07-11T13:08:08+00:00

Here's what I see happening. He's feeling emasculated. You are the bread winner and he's still working just to get his business in the black. He wants to provide, but he can't right now. Then, he hears you talking about wanting to save money for household projects that can wait, and he just feels even more pressure. He needs to make sure his family is provided for. He doesn't want to hear about pumping money out right now. I get that's not what you are asking for, but in his current high stress frame of mind, that is what he hears.

You said he is a calm guy. This is great, but it can also be extremely difficult. He is likely hiding very well how stressed out he really is. He doesn't want you to see him like that, it would make him feel even more emasculated than he already feels. Instead, he's telling you what he needs. He wants you to not just keep the house and the kids for him. He doesn't see that as support, because he doesn't care about the state of the house like you do. He needs something else from you. Maybe he needs to hear from you that you see what he is trying to do and you think it's fantastic. You recognize what he is doing for his family and you really appreciate it. I understand you might not feel like saying this right now. You're burnt out and, frankly, your pride is hurt, too. But he needs this from you (or something like it) and you'll probably find that when he starts to feel like you see what he is going through for his family, that he will be more apt to step up and help you in your domain as well.

potentialnrg · 2018-07-10T20:26:40+00:00

Maybe you would feel more supportive if the timing was better. Why did he take the plunge to start a new business before you had secured stable, closer employment? With a family, it seems more selfish on his part to take that risk when he did, since you were already in the process of trying to find a new job when he quit his. You were effectively forced to stay at your job at that point. I'm not saying he shouldn't have started a business, but maybe he could have given it a year or so... long enough for you to get another job and pass the probationary period.

If you were to take a pay cut for a closer job, could he take a part time job during his slow season to help make up the difference?

teaandtalk · 2018-07-10T21:48:23+00:00

This sounds really, really difficult, and I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Some suggestions - I hope they're welcome:

Can you skip some of the housework? In my opinion, it's unsustainable to handle full time work, a long commute, serious exercise, and maintaining a clean house while having children and maintaining a marriage. I'd try to cut down on the clean house, and probably the exercise (remember, you can't outrun your fork!). You can't really *have it all*, and trying is a recipe for disaster.
Even though I know you're trying, sounds like he DOES need a bit more cheerleading. Remember that men have been socialised to believe that being a provider/being successful is one of their only valuable roles, so when he's having a 'slump' at work, he is going to feel worse and need extra support.
What is his love language? It sounds like it might not be 'acts of service', otherwise he'd be more appreciative of all the work you're doing to keep the house running while he's focusing on other stuff. Does he need more gifts? More quality time? More words of affirmation? What is his preferred language of love?
Exercise: https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/76g03w/how_do_you_move_past_your_husband_hurting_your/doe34fm/ I even found this comment I made on your last post, and would encourage you to reread it (and some of the other responses).

But seriously, you need to take stock of what's important, and what can be put aside. Put aside the endless cardio, the mopped floors, the perfect home, and focus on the important stuff: eating healthy meals with your family; spending quality, supportive time with your husband; taking time for self-care and prioritising your needs.

AstraeaAthena · 2018-07-10T22:21:21+00:00

Not only are you strapped for time, but you have also been forced into taking on a very male role of provider: you bring stability to the family through your pay check and health insurance (rather than through managing the household).

Perhaps this is contributing to the problem (for both of you) because it can throw off the dynamics of your relationship.

I agree with some of the other comments re: bad timing. It seems careless that he ventured into this before you found employment closer to home.

It's sad to say, but he can't have "everything" from you - both your paycheck and your cherrleading and looking after the home (including children). In an ideal world, you would do all this, but it doesn't seem possible in your current situation with four hours of the day gobbled up by the commute.

I would follow other people's advice about dropping the workout - focus on eating less calories than you burn. Make sure you get more sleep - it will take up more of your time but you will get more things done / get things done quicker in the day.

Are your kids getting enough time with either you or him? Do you currently have domestic help?

invisible_panda · 2018-07-13T17:28:49+00:00

I dont know how I landed on this, but it's time to teach the kids how to pack their lunches or get a nanny/maid. You cant do everything. You're angry because you're exhausted and it sounds like you weren't 100% on the timing of this change and he isn't pulling his weight in the household.

Having a traditional division of labor is fine, but this is you taking on the husband and wife role while he does the equivalent of a 20 year old finding himself. Not cool.

If you're going to support him, he has to support you or you're going to have to pay someone else to do it.

Or you can stop doing all of it and he can figure out how much you are supporting him. Of course the kids might complain about being hungry...

plainjanename · 2018-07-10T21:43:49+00:00

Exactly, to me it sounds like you both should have a serious conversation about what is bothering the two of you. It does not need to be adversarial, try and make it positive. Maybe over a nice dinner, a glass of wine if that's ur thing. And then dive into the conversation and don't stop until you guys come to a resolution. It's not about being a martyr, or playing the whose got it worse game. Say, yea maybe this is a hurdle, but life's not fair so let's work this out. Maybe u guys move again into a non-dream home, maybe he gets a part-time job to help out? Maybe you go part-time, Idk. Just suggestions

LaBiciclette · 2018-07-10T22:03:32+00:00

Sorry you're dealing with this, it sounds totally overwhelming. Would your husband help with housework and bathing the kids if you asked him to? Maybe if that became his responsibility, you could use that time to exercise and relax. I know the red pill is against "chore play" but personally, I find it VERY attractive when my husband takes over some of my load; it puts me in a much better frame of mind to be a good partner. If he can't help then I agree with u/teaandtalk that you should look for ways to cut corners on the cleaning and/or working out.

GiveMeYourCupcakes · 2018-07-10T22:19:42+00:00

Echoing u/teaandtalk about the love languages. While you may feel like you're supporting him, you may be not on the same page for communicating support. In fact, the same thing might be happening to you and he's trying to support you the best he can and doesn't think you care because he speaks a different love language than you.

OP, as a fellow woman in a crazy job (but three cheers for high pay!) it can be difficult to delegate things out to other people. You can be there a 100% supportive of your husband if you're head is barely above water. You need to get yourself together and pull yourself up, so you can shift that energy from being anxious and overwhelmed to being the support your husband needs. In Surrendered Wife, Laura Doyle talks a lot of about self care and how it's difficult to be a great partner if your are running on empty. It's time you fill up your tank.

Why not have a cleaning lady come in once a month to assist? Or instead of doing cardio all the time, find a fitness plan online (or if you have the resources find a trainer or group trainer) and get a better bang for your buck. If you want to get the kids moving too, local swimming pools are great. Try using your commute time as OP time, listen to fun podcasts or an audio book, stock up on some songs that you wouldn't be caught dead listening to and belt out some tunes (90s music is my jam). Try meditating. You are in full control of how you react to the things that happen around you. It's not difficult to carve out a little time for yourself for little to no cost.

While you build on reducing your stresses use that extra bit of yourself and support your husband and his endeavor. Make a plan for yourself, identify what you need to do to be his go-to gal and number one supporter, and get to work! This is probably something he has dreamed about for ages, and he needs you right now. Have you flat out asked what support he wants and needs? If no, that will probably get you a long way. It also never hurts to listen to him vent...just listen if he wants solutions he'll ask you, but venting is not about solutions. If his work is really physical, and he likes shoulder rubs, give him a shoulder rub.

Have you two gone on a date recently? No kids, just you two? Sometimes it helps a lot when you can focus solely on him in an environment where his mind might not be in business mode.

All the best, OP! You and your husband can pull through this!

Edit: As I read through your post, and did a little more pondering...you mention you had a big fight and can be anxious. Was it really a big fight or are you getting worked up thinking about it and are distorting it? From personal experience, this definitely contributes to getting into a martyr game in one's head. Was he expressing his frustration or was it a full on screaming match?

secondchrysalis · 2018-07-11T01:12:47+00:00

Please don't talk to me about f-ing sacrifice. I didn't say anything of these things to him because I feel so beaten down and depressed that I should even have to point these things out.

You sound bitter. I bet you act bitter. I think you're not being honest with yourself. That, or when you guys agreed to this you were foolish to think you could hold a 6-fig level job and keep the house.

it's been difficult to find anything comparable.

Take a pay cut. If you make six figures you have room. Move, lose the mortgage. You can find another six figure job if you have more time to dedicate to looking, which you won't until you get closer. Your choices are finances or family in my eyes.

The most important thing to your husband is that you cheerlead. He wants you to sacrifice your current job, or something else, to do it. Seeing as the other thing is the kids, I wouldn't do that.

Title	Husband doesn't think I am supportive
Author	ladycheri
Upvotes	12
Comments	35
Date	July 10, 2018 7:12 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/8xsbts/husband_doesnt_think_i_am_supportive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/husband-doesnt-think-i-am-supportive.208460 https://theredarchive.com/post/208460

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