Update on my situation

HappyWifeLifeX · 2017-03-10T18:54:51+00:00

The emotional piece of this is the feeling that you can't trust him. In a way, trust is knowing what to expect. So you CAN trust him to do exactly what you expect - his patterns will continue and his level of honesty will only continue to drop.

My advice to you is to do what I had to do (same sorts of financial insecurity worries) is to just go ahead and do whatever it takes to keep things floating and moving forward. If that means you have to defy his wishes - well you may just have to do so to survive. I value respect in my home but I also value having food and a home so I risk the disrespect over the homelessness....

IDK that what i've said is RP necessarily but these types of issues are beyond the scope of what is covered in the "respect your husband" department. You will have to choose something that keeps you afloat and you will have to do it with that respect level constantly in your thoughts. I hope that makes sense.

snow678 · 2017-03-10T19:22:24+00:00

I thought about what I will say to him when he gets home. I am going to tell him that this is what I want from him:

get evaluated for ADD
see a financial advisor
keep us in this home for at least one year
get and keep a steady job
pay our expenses consistently without using credit cards
make progress in paying off our debt

And that if he doesn't then I have to fix it by:

having children enter subsidized daycare
working outside the home
declaring bankruptcy
consider going back to university
asking my family for financial help

Is this the right thing to do?

teaandtalk · 2017-03-10T23:00:05+00:00

Our plan was to have a traditional family, but if he is renegading on his duties, should I defy what he wants for me? He doesn't want me to go out to work but should I now put the needs of the children first? I do not have any marketable skills but I am a hard worker, and I might earn a low wage but I would be able to stay consistently employed.

Traditionally, poor families did whatever they needed to do to survive. This typically included the woman working, especially when the man was not working.

HypatiaCade · 2017-03-10T17:56:27+00:00

Has he been evaluated for ADHD? Because that sounds like classic inattentive subtype.

proprioceptor · 2017-03-13T00:50:23+00:00

Is there any way you could work online? I've done a lot of online tutoring at different points to supplement our income, and it's actually worked out pretty well. It might give you an option instead of needing to find work/daycare.

Just curious, but when he says that you "being at home is the best for the children", what does he actually mean by that? Does he just mean that it's ideal for you to be a SAHM? At this point that might not be an option. Being in a family with no stability and no income really probably isn't in the best interest of your children.

This situation sounds tough. I'm sorry that I don't have much in the way of advice, but I hope you figure out a good resolution soon!

PhantomDream09 · 2017-03-10T18:11:22+00:00

Has he always struggled with retaining a job? Has he always been irresponsible about managing money? In your first post you mention that it had only been a problem recently...but you never talked about his behavior or your financial situation prior to all this. For example, have you always been fairly strapped for cash, or did you have a good bit of money saved and now you can barely get by and the savings have been depleted.

Did you follow the suggestions I made previously?

You would both benefit from buying a financial planning book, or by meeting with an advisor that can thoroughly walk you through various options in regards to budgeting, saving, and paying down debt. Your husband may only come to terms with the fact that certain changes need to happen after a professional in the field shows him the cold hard facts. I am certain he is already feeling guilty and like he is letting his family down. I suspect that is partially why he is so adamant about you not working, having you make money would just be another sign that he has failed.

I encourage you to work on being his cheerleader and support. He needs to feel your trust and good will now more than ever. A few users have been doing a one week challenge where they only say positive, encouraging things to their men. No negativity, sniping, criticizing allowed. He knows what the problems are, and being disgruntled won't help anyone.

This is very sensitive and may or may not be possible, but perhaps you or your husband could turn to your extended family for a bit of help. Maybe for a personal loan, or just for some added help around the house (babysitting, working to get a garden going etc).

Don't let your bedroom life go cold. This is a stressful time for both of you, which is why it is all the more important for you to invest in your relationship and maintain physical and emotional closeness.

You can come up with a plan for some personal employment. Either by running a small shop online, hosting a garage sale, working 15 hours a week at a local shop, babysitting some neighborhood kids. Look around and see what work is available, update your resume and detail out plans for each approach. Show your husband how even just 15 or 20 hours a week can help alleviate some of the financial pressure you are facing as a family. And do remind him that you are a family, that you will get through this.

You want a lot of answers to many different questions, but you have failed to give many details on what you have tried, attempted, and how his behavior was initially when you married to where it is now.

Other users also made suggestions to you (including selling some items for money). Have you looked into starting up a personal side business out of your home? Or doing odd jobs for neighbors or family?

Goingdowntheroad · 2017-03-10T19:22:28+00:00

You sound like you are really fed up and you want to take action RIGHT NOW. I'm not denying that you're in a tough situation but I would caution against making big, sweeping changes on the spur of the moment -- you need to think of your kids and your marriage.

So first of all, how did you learn that your husband got fired? Is this source reliable?

Second: what is your husband's reason for not wanting you to work? Is it a source of pride to him? Is he concerned about the kids? Can you come to some agreement, like maybe you work a few hours a week, or maybe you work on weekends while he watches the kids?

Third: if you do decide to get a job and put your kids in daycare, look carefully and calmly at the daycare options. Daycare would mean a big change for your kids; make sure you find the best option available.

Really what I mean is, do your best to calm down and look at the situation calmly. Talk to your husband about the possibilities. Good luck!

RedPurpleWhite · 2017-03-10T20:54:22+00:00

Regardless of your feelings about how hard he works at work, it sounds like you didn't implement much of any of the advice given to you last year. What his boss said to him in an email is immaterial. For all you k ow the financial stress is imo ting his current workplace behavior or there's some office politics. But it doesn't matter because it doesn't change the pattern Or your situation. You've gotten good advice about having hard conversations. Don't let your feelings related to the email you snooped on cloud your ability to implement that advice.

MrsBobber · 2017-03-10T23:16:08+00:00

So just a few things I've had stand out to me reading the whole thread:

1) he is being exactly as he was when you married him, and now you're upset? Maybe it's time to focus a bit more on his positive attributes instead of the negative situation you're in. Approaching this situation with him in a critical fashion isn't going to help ANYONE, least of all you.

2) even if he were holding down a steady job, you should still be working if it would offset daycare enough for you to be bringing something home. The amount of debt you've found yourself in necessitates it. Have him sit with you to make a financial plan, make him give his own input and then he will be able to see the situation for what it is- he participates! Simply putting one together and saying 'Ok this is our budget, start following it!' Isn't giving him the full scope, nor is it letting him be in control. Sitting him down to berate him about not having any money isn't going to work, trying to force him into going to a financial advisor isn't going to work. Making him feel and know that he is the captain of a team whom he can count on and who is counting on him will- if it doesn't then you made a poor choice in a husband. He is and has been exactly who he was all along, so the blame is yours. Own it and internalize it when speaking to him with the intent to magnify and grow his positives.

3)Your resume being deleted is so irrelevant. Type up a new one- stop calling him lazy meanwhile you act like doing so is asking too much.

4) A dozen companies within walking distance?! That's 12 places that all have an opportunity for you.

5) Sell the car that has the debt and buy something you can actually afford with that cash. You're living beyond your means with it.

allhailthebitch · 2017-03-13T20:06:34+00:00

I understand that as a man, this is hard to deal with, and I understand why he's having a hard time doing things like seeing a financial advisor. But there is a time where you need to swallow your pride and put your family first, and that time in now. He doesn't seem to care about the wellbeing of your family, just because his pride as a man is on the line. A true man would put his children above all else, would do anything to protect them and provide for them because that is what men do to say they love and care for them. No true man would put you in this position. You're not going to be able to change him, and I believe you when you say that you didn't know he was like this when you got married. But you need to think about your kids. Is this man going to provide a good life for your kids? Is he going to teach them what it means to be a good person? Is he going to be a role model? Would you want your kids to grow up to be him? If I were you, I would move back in with my parents, and find my children a real father. He is not leading by example, he is making decisions based on feelings and not on fact, he is not putting your family first, and he is being ignorant by choice. It sounds to me like you've tried everything you could to make your relationship work, trusted him, and put your faith in his abilities for a bit too long. If there weren't children involved, maybe I would say try to make it work, but it is cruel to subject your children to poverty when it could be avoided. I grew up that way, and it is a rough childhood to have. I just ask that you think of your kids first and what is good for them, and put your feelings second.

Title	Update on my situation
Author	snow678
Upvotes	15
Comments	65
Date	March 10, 2017 5:27 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/5yndkl/update_on_my_situation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/update-on-my-situation.209054 https://theredarchive.com/post/209054

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