Climatizing to being a RPW

Ambitious-Whole9086 · 2023-06-18T20:52:21+00:00

You’re living together, doing all his chores, having his children, and not only are you not married but he has not even proposed to you. When you have an argument or something he doesn’t like, he uses your desire for marriage as a way to leverage power and control over the relationship. Note that he is framing his refusal to commit to you as promised as a consequence of your misbehavior.

It sounds like you need to sit down and have a serious discussion about your expectations for the future. Give him a timeline. Listen to what he says. Don’t allow him to manipulate the conversation, or use your desire for marriage to control you. You’ve been together 4.5 years already and already have a house and child together. Do you see any reason why he wouldn’t have married you already if he wanted to? And what do you plan to do if he doesn’t follow through?

Fatty_Ugly_ · 2023-06-18T21:35:17+00:00

He also knows I want marriage soon. He has said 3 years ago that he will propose at some point.
But then now and again if something has happend or whatever he will say "oh time to proposed has been pushed back". I think he meant it jokingly to start with but now he has said it soo often even he has said hes not joking about it anymore

This deserve a more in dept reflection from you, than the splits about chores, as you said you are already doing everything when possible. I am sure in a couple of hours, better expert in RPW will advise you better, but this is what I truly consider more concerning. Not the delay in proposal, men do tend to not "rock the boat", but the snark comments and statements about pushing back things because you are trying to communicate about something, is worrisome.

diaryofalostgirl · 2023-06-18T20:48:16+00:00

Being in a traditional marriage means going into that with intent, deliberation, and clear boundaries around who does what. Right now, it sounds like you've just happened to fall into a pattern that he's happy to label "traditional" because all he has to do is go to work! In reality, he should be organizing much more, and unless you live in a megacity where public transport is optimal, he should know how to drive. Most of all, he shouldn't be pissing about on the question of marriage. He was an active participant in a much more permanent bond -- that of becoming parents -- so marrying you shouldn't even be a question at this point. Three years of making you wait and impregnating you in the meantime on a promise of "maybe" and only-semi-jokes about dangling marriage over your head like the brass ring on a carousel?

How old are the two of you, exactly?

Doom-Vixen · 2023-06-18T20:42:45+00:00

Traditional and RPW have some overlap, but are not equal. A RPW focuses on her role as a first mate to her husband's captain. A support role essentially. Taking the red pill means you believe in the inherent difference of the sexes (women are more nurturing, men are more aggressive for example).

The main difference is how traditionalists and RPW define the woman's role. Traditionalist believe women's work is the home and children, RPW is a lot more lenient as being a supportive first mate can end up looking like a lot of different things depending on the individual relationship.

It sounds like your man is quite rigid in his thinking. Personally I believe being a strong captain (or leader of his family) requires stepping in to help his wife when it's needed. It sounds like you want some support? Lauren Doyle's books may be of help to you on how to communicate with your partner on how you're feeling without triggering him to get defensive.

I think you've fallen into the trap of giving a man wifey privileges before actually getting married, taking away his motivation to marry you.

OkEstablishment6463 · 2023-06-19T00:14:52+00:00

A traditional relationship to me is one in which the man rules and the woman follows. In all things. Including his standards. A red pill wife is just a modern term for a traditional marriage where the woman submits and she chooses a man based on our natural inclination called hypergamy. Submission is willful obedience.

Be thankful he cleans or cooks at all! My man does all the typical man things - makes a mess, leaves the toilet paper roll empty, doesn’t take the trash out often, etc. and I feel beyond grateful to get his love and affection anyways. I do 100% of household maintenance and I’m glad to have the opportunity. He’s out of town for work right now and I cried while looking at the groceries he provided because I realized I won’t have anyone to cook for. Serving with a joyful heart is the epitome of the woman. It’s the only way I can thank him for taking care of me. Remember your man chooses you every day. That’s valuable beyond measure.

I do not recommend pressing him on marriage as he will propose the moment he is convinced that you’re actually a submissive woman. Maybe try asking him what he wants to eat, then cook exactly that. If you find it difficult to prepare meals with the baby, try meal prepping dinners and freezing them so you have back up options when you’re in a bind. Or try planning a week in advance and follow a schedule.

Go out of your way to make his life comfortable even if that means cleaning up after him. Do a little every day so that you can stay on top of cleaning! I find it nearly impossible to only clean the house one day of the week. It is not unreasonable at all for a man to expect a clean sanctuary of a home with dinner waiting and a happy stay at home wife. It’s a woman’s job to run her household. Don’t let it run you. Try different methods and settle into what works for you. It’s fun!

It sounds like you just need a perception shift! Focus on the things you’re grateful for and don’t pity yourself. Reject every negative thought and manage your emotions. You can do it!

Accept that you can’t control him. You might prefer it if he did more chores or took on more responsibility, but no man will ever crawl out from under the criticism of his woman to become a better man. It’s just not how we get what we want. You’ve chosen your man and you’ve made your decision. You’re functionally his wife. You had his baby so now you’re responsible for doing your part in keeping your family together. It probably won’t be 60/40 although you might be surprised at what truly being submissive brings out of your man. If it were me, I’d scrap my understanding of what percentage he should be doing and rise to his expectations.

That’s what following is. No man can lead successfully if his woman is constantly rebelling. We might not intend it to be this way, but every time we try to negotiate, we’re trumping both his masculinity and authority. State your needs in a concise way and understand he is under no obligation to comply. If he communicates a standard he’d like you to meet, just do it. He’ll love you more for it. It’s rare a man will ask us to break the law or do something immoral. Usually we just have our preferences and think we’re right. Reminds me of the Kevin Samuels saying “do you want to be right or do you want peace?”

Love your man and realize the way he understands your love for him is via enthusiastic sex and respect. Try it! It’s so fulfilling. Good luck!

blushingoleander · 2023-06-19T14:40:52+00:00

I guess, what is a traditional relationship to you? What is a red pill wife to you?

I believe that traditionalists follow the established path (dating > marriage > children) and gendered roles (provider & homemaker) because that is what has always been done. RPW generally follows the same structure but deviates where it works for us. I consider myself RPW but not traditional. I've been married for a while and we have 2 kids. But we also dated for a really long time, lived together before marriage, we both work, etc etc. We ended up in the same place as most traditionalists but we did it on the path that worked for the two of us.

What RPW has given to our relationship is understanding. I learned that respect and some gratitude are really important. I learned that I don't have to argue and stress test everything he says and all his ideas. I learned to be a nicer person to the man I loved most (yay for growing up with sarcasm and snark). All those things are more important to the happiness of our relationship than who cleans the house.

BUT

The division of our work is pretty gendered. This is what works for us. I don't take out the trash or mow the lawn because I don't want to. He doesn't clean the bathroom because he doesn't want to. He doesn't wipe his little beard hairs out of the sink because he doesn't notice it at 6am when he's getting ready for work. I do the cooking because I generally enjoy it. He maintains the cars because he generally enjoys it. When I'm beat, I can ask him to take care of dinner and that almost always means take out and when he's swamped I will take my car and pay someone to change the oil.

What I don't do (what I try my best not to do) is to comment on things that are on his plate. I wouldn't say "the grass is really high, don't you think it needs to be mowed" because he's an adult who knows that the grass needs to be mowed but prioritizes things differently than I do. This too is something RPW taught me.

It would never occur to me to say "i do x% and he contributes y%". By doing that you are setting yourself up for a tit for tat relationship filled with resentment. Both partners should be giving as much as they are able and ideally, you both feel like the other contributes as much. But even in a traditional set up, men's jobs and women's jobs take different amounts of time and happen at different intervals. What is the exchange rate for taking out the trash? Is it equal to one night of dinner? Three? What is the exchange rate of dinners to dealing with an overflowing toilet?

I would recommend the usual RPW books: For Women Only & Surrendered (Empowered) Wife. A change in perspective might be a better place for you to start than figuring out what is a good division of labor. I suspect that the cleanliness of the house is a red herring for other strains within the relationship (having marriage pushed back again and again is not going to make you want to clean up after his messes but also, I'd bet that he has some unspoken issues and is using the state of the house in an attempt to articulate).

AutoModerator · 2023-06-18T16:36:11+00:00

Title: Climatizing to being a RPW

Full text: I've always wanted a relatively traditional relationship and marriage

I say relatively because my dad brought me up to be independent and earn my own money / be carreer driven and my mum is quite vocal and I have that from her

My parents I would say had a 60:40 marriage. Everything was split as even as possible in the household but my mum did a little more than my dad. He was in a higher paying job that was a little more demanding than my mums. She worked 3 days a week till I was around 13 then she went back to full time. My dad would help clean the house, plan our days out, was the one that could drive and organised holidays and helped with homework etc My mum would cook all meals, clean the house and make sure we kids were behaving etc

++++

I have been with my partner for 4.5 years. Lived together for 3.5 years and got our own place 2 years ago nearly

We just had a baby (planned) and I am on leave from work for 12 months.

My partner believes to have a traditional relationship is the women are SAHM and do 100% household chores. He does help when I ask him to, but him saying various things about men of the household responsibilities is bringing in money vs women to bring up children and do house stuff just stays in my head.

Our household chore breakdown seems to be more 80% me, he expects it to be 80% or more me. I drive, but he is learning.

I organise the holidays and days out (tho he used to plan days out quite often at the start of relationship)

He will clean the house only if I havent been on top of it (ie. Like when I was heavily pregnant or recently as I just gave birth last month) but will make comments of keeping ontop of it The main annoying thing with this though is often he wont clean up after himself and it annoys me which makes me not want to clean (ie. Beard shavings all over the sink and floor left for a whole week)

Meal plans and cooking he will do a meal a week, maybe two depending on what we fancy because there are two meals he cooks well. But even then, sometimes he wants something different to what I have cooked, so it makes me not want to cook, especially if he then orders a takeaway and I am having the meal I made

He also knows I want marriage soon. He has said 3 years ago that he will propose at some point.

But then now and again if something has happend or whatever he will say "oh time to proposed has been pushed back". I think he meant it jokingly to start with but now he has said it soo often even he has said hes not joking about it anymore

I guess, what is a traditional relationship to you? What is a red pill wife to you? Any thoughts or advice?

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Such_Beginning_1629 · 2023-06-19T13:48:06+00:00

The main annoying thing with this though is often he wont clean up after himself and it annoys me which makes me not want to clean (ie. Beard shavings all over the sink and floor left for a whole week)
That is low. A sign of immaturity and no education by his parents.

youllknowwhenitstime · 2023-06-18T20:47:32+00:00

4.5 years, no proposal, repeated dodging of setting a proper timeline - he doesn't want to marry you, or he doesn't want to marry anyone at all. There are various RP ways to respond to that, but pretending he's still planning on happily and passionately proposing one day is not realistic. You're still in the vetting stage.

Title	Climatizing to being a RPW
Author	Funny_Garage3895
Upvotes	1
Comments	28
Date	June 18, 2023 4:36 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/14cos8j/climatizing_to_being_a_rpw/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/climatizing-to-being-a-rpw.1222934 https://theredarchive.com/post/1222934

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