Partner is a work-aholic

ivysaurah · 2023-08-30T10:59:05+00:00

You’re going to have to be able to find energy to help with his business. If you are expecting him to find energy for your priorities, find energy for his.

I understand it is very hard but I did this and it changed this dynamic for the better. I still work from the home and am able to be the primary caregiver to my family. But I answer calls, run advertising, keep insurances and paperwork in order for the business alongside managing the house. If you make a schedule and understand that every phase of life is just a season, you can do it. He is working two jobs. You both need to sit down and reallocate some responsibilities to find a better balance. He probably would love to help with the baby and spend more time with his family but men typically have a provider drive that kicks into high gear once a child is involved. Talk to him, see if maybe you can spend time together both tending to the baby while he teaches you working tasks that can help him have more time. Don’t let resentment grow between the two of you over this. It’ll take time but you’ll strike a better balance.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2023-08-30T17:15:24+00:00

Start from here: your husband is working hard for you and your son. He is trying to love you in the best way he understands how.

What to do?

First, understand that his business is going to take up a lot of his time.

Second, sit him down during a relaxed moment and say, "Babe. I LOVE that you are working hard for us. It's wonderful that you think about the future and work to put us in a good position. I miss the time we would spend together. Let's agree to have breakfast/lunch together at least 'X' times a week. {add in whatever other times you want, within reason.} Put me and {son} on your schedule."

Third, keep the the schedule.

SilasDewgud · 2023-08-30T18:13:23+00:00

I was that guy. You need to up your game.

Something in me triggered when my first kid was born. I was already ambitious but I started thinking "I am not always going to be able to work til midnight. I won't have the energy. I need to do it now! Mortgage, college education, car at 16 years old. It's all on me!"

He is running a 30 year marathon. You can either be support or you can try to trip him up.

If you nag him or start pulling him away, when something happens (job loss, medical bill, fire, something) that he can't cover the expense, he will blame himself, then he will blame you. And he will be right.

If he is working to provide you with safety, security and comfort - then find joy and happiness in supporting him. That's your job.

And he is right about the baby too.

RedPillDad · 2023-08-30T18:48:39+00:00

taking a break from working to play PC games

I took a long hiatus from games once kids came into the picture. Part of transitioning into a grown up is cleaning one's 'plate' from the clutter and distracting activities to make room for the important stuff.

There was a book I really enjoyed called 'The War of Art' where author Steven Pressfield spoke of his struggle to move from chaotic, sloppy and casual to taking his craft seriously.

"Turning pro is where you stop dicking around in the shallow end of the pool and start taking yourself and your craft seriously.

"The sword master stepping onto the fighting floor knows he will be facing powerful opponents. Not the physical adversaries whom he will fight (though those indeed serve as stand-ins for the enemy). The real enemy is inside himself.

"No one is born a pro. You’ve got to fall before you hit bottom, and sometimes that fall can be a hell of a ride... The amateur life is your youth. It’s a hero’s journey... Becoming a pro, in the end, is nothing grander than growing up."

youllknowwhenitstime · 2023-08-30T23:52:39+00:00

You take walks together, have dinner together, get random moments of kino and affection throughout the day, are posting in another subreddit about how playful he is with the baby, and are SAHM. And married to someone who sounds like an actual legit entrepreneur and high performer.

From your other post.

I feel my interactions with my 3 month old is mainly feeding, getting him to sleep, nappy changes with the odd reading a book or rattle play

My partner is predominantly playing and trying to improve baby cognitive and physical skills via play. Will lay down or sit crossed legged next to him Partner does help with nappy / baths etc now and again when able

He's bonding with baby excellently.

u/Dehydrated_Jellyfish is right, and you don't want to sabotage his vision and effort here. Some ideas that may help:

Are you ideologically opposed to sleep training the baby at its age? This could help you line your schedules up more. Keep trying to line up your breaks together. My husband and I tend to watched shared-interest YouTube videos from interesting channels during his breaks and we end up with all sorts of spawned conversation.
If you're not going to bed together 90% of the time, that's a top priority. I'm going to use an analogy here. If someone craves eating ice, they don't actually need to eat ice. Water is not meeting their need. They most likely need more iron in their diet. What you're craving is more one-to-one attention. This sounds like a desire for security. A really baseline issue that will create insecurity for any woman is having a HVM around who isn't having sex with her. Even if you're not spontaneously feeling "in the mood" thanks to hormones, that doesn't mean your hind brain isn't throwing up dread responses to a lack of sexual intimacy and setting your whole system off seeking something. If the bedtime passion isn't fully back yet, which is very likely, depending on how young baby is, now's the time to put some effort into reigniting it. And while I initially thought random initiation during the workday would be distracting, he's straight up asked that I do so. (I have access to his calendar and can avoid actually creating a problem with a meeting.)
Speaking of, the only issue you've described that doesn't sound anxiety-induced is calendar coordination. Let him know you feel like your schedule needs are an afterthought and see how he responds. You can suggest getting access to how he tracks his day (Google calendar, whatever) and popping on the reminders as you see fit. Organization systems that work vary HEAVILY per individual, and right now all you know is that verbal conversations and occasional reminders, at least the way you have been doing them, don't work. So don't keep trying them and getting frustrated. For me, I use a Scrum board in sticky notes for personal stuff, and forget anything not added. Fortunately my husband has 0 judgement about my absentmindedness for things he's said verbally to me.

morbidityofanother · 2023-08-30T12:12:37+00:00

I’ll say this much: You spend more time with him than I do my own husband (i’m lucky to get an hour per day, most days) and my relationship is not broken. So, please don’t believe that this is something broken in your marriage. It’s just an issue that needs to be addressed.

My guess is that your husband is feeling the stress of providing for a wife and baby. Lots of men worry that they’re going to fail and that their family will suffer, so they throw themselves into work full-force. I completely understand where you’re coming from, and I agree that working too much can have a negative effect. However, i think that this stress is important to keep in mind when you address this with him. He loves you and your baby, and this is his way of showing you that.

It’s also possible that he simply requires less time with you to feel satiated. This is not a fault of his, and it’s not a fault of yours to desire more from him. It’s just a difference, and that’s okay. I think that you need to communicate that in order to feel cared for and loved, you need to spend more time with him, and i’m sure that if you do so calmly and from a place of love, he will hear you. Try to find a compromise: perhaps he spends some time working in the main living areas so that you’re at least in the same room, or perhaps he could make a point to come out of his office whenever he has a spare moment to spend a few minutes being with you, just to say hi.

I also agree with the other commenter, if you can find time and energy (which are hard to come by with a baby, I know) you should try to help him with his business if you can. That would be more time together, and would help take stuff off of his very full plate.

vintagegirlgame · 2023-08-30T15:38:52+00:00

You mentioned a 50/50 or 70/30 work:wife ratio… but where is his or your self care, friends, social life, hobbies or me time in all that? It’s not healthy for our needs to be met by only one person. Even the 50/50 ratio is not healthy… I think you both could benefit from diversifying.

StunningSort3082 · 2023-08-30T16:46:10+00:00

Have your been evaluated for PPD yet? If not, that needs to be your first priority.

Personally, I choose to work in large part because I don’t want my life dominated by my children. I spend a lot of time with them, but I’ve made sure I am still “me” post-kids. I realize that’s not an option for everyone, but as much as your husband works is 1-2 days of daycare a week an option? That way you get time to do what you want to do, and can remain a fulfilled, interesting person.

Also, by 3m I was not tied to my kids 24/7. If you’re willing to work at it (and can handle a little crying) it isn’t too difficult to get a baby on a regular schedule, including one period of 10-12 hours of sleep a day. Again, that’s not for everyone, but being on a schedule has been amazing for all my kids (and my husband and I).

Tummy time is super important, but I never really played with my kids at that age. I let them roll around on the floor and would set stuff up for them to look at, but I just left them explore and grow independently. Even as toddlers I rarely actively played with them, because they were so happy to independently play and entertain themselves. I would routinely use tummy time to fold laundry, load the dish washer or start dinner.

Are you getting ready and going out somewhere everyday? Spend a nap time walking around a local park, take yourself out for lunch, visit with friends, etc. Being a parent can be isolating if you’re not regularly going out into the world and interacting with other adults.

TheLemming · 2023-08-30T17:52:39+00:00

He sounds amazing, congratulations on having an amazing partner.

Nobody is 100% perfect. You have a good life so it might be harder to accept the imperfections maybe.

AutoModerator · 2023-08-30T10:23:47+00:00

Title: Partner is a work-aholic

Full text: I feel like my partner is a complete 180 from my previous exs which is good and bad

My ex's were lazy in the job and earning money department but gave 100% (sometimes more because they didnt have anything else to focus on) to me in terms of affection, massages everytime I said I was aching, cooking me dinner etc

Whereas my partner is fully focused on work and earning money. The first few years it was 50/50 between me and work. Then about 3 years ago it was 70/30 with focus on work which was great because he started a business and made more money for us. Im proud of him

But last year, when I was pregnant I noticed that jumping to 80% work because obviously he wanted more money foe the baby. He would check if I need food or drink maybe 3 or 4 times a day which again I appreciate, but then stayed locked in the office.

Since baby has been born we get 10% of his time. He claims he is the money maker so I can choose to be a SAHM and so we have money for our baby when he is older. Also that as a mum I am primary caregiver and baby doesnt need him till he is older

For further context - We never eat breakfast together in the last 4 years - We very rarely eat lunch together, only if we are at a family get together - We have only just started eating dinner together since I was about 5 months pregnant (so last 8 months) - We go for a 15m walk together a day at lunch mainly for the dog - I have tried to find time where he is taking a break from working to play PC games with him but the baby always wakes just as we start it

Idk whats your thoughts on this?

Im torn because I know hes working hard to provide and its important to him. But I also want more time with him and make our baby less reliant on me. He WFH so its not like other dads who are working far away. But its literally 24/7. Every day of the week. Moment he wakes till he sleeps.

I don't want our relationship to break over money.

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Sunshine12e · 2023-08-30T20:16:17+00:00

Go back to work, so that he can afford to take some breaks.

astral1 · 2023-08-30T18:39:46+00:00

Tell him that , you respect his job, but you need these things from him. You need more attention. If he isn't willing to work on it, then... something else is wrong.

also, like someone else said, maybe you can be more involved in his job. Shrug. It sounds like he could spare more time for you (imo)

Such_Beginning_1629 · 2023-08-30T10:40:45+00:00

Sounds like it is not possible for him to set aside work. Is his job headed by boundary stomping bosses? If not - it falls on him to make the changes.

BackTableKid · 2023-08-31T00:03:28+00:00

I’d do anything for the mother of my child to want me like this.

FancyPants882 · 2023-08-31T00:14:18+00:00

How much do you need the extra money that is being pulled in by the second job? Once the essentials are payed for, discuss with your husband what quality of life means to you both. Is it having the extra things and the more expensive trips away or is it having time to focus on yourselves individually and as a family? At the end of the day it comes down to what makes you both most happy. Being a good provider isn't just about providing money. Money is a means. Being a good provider is about providing a good life and it's up to you two to decide what that looks like for you both.

If reducing the income isn't an option, is hiring staff to help with the business possible?

Another thing you could do is what my husband and I jokingly call "co-playing" in reference to when small children will play beside each other but not with each other. If we both have separate things we want to do for down time, we'll often do it next to each other. This way we can still have time together even though we're doing different things. Maybe you could hang out in his office while he's working and do something on the computer, read a book, nurse your baby, etc. It's not the same as quality time, but it's still lovely and much better than no time.

Ancient-Assist4544 · 2023-09-04T19:01:44+00:00

to the guys out there never NEVER impregnate a westerner like the OP and the rest of these reddit hoes . Disgusting 🤮

Title	Partner is a work-aholic
Author	Funny_Garage3895
Upvotes	34
Comments	40
Date	August 30, 2023 10:23 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/165auda/partner_is_a_workaholic/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/partner-is-a-work-aholic.1229919 https://theredarchive.com/post/1229919

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