Confidence

hawthornevine · 2015-09-13T00:35:29+00:00

Oh man, I definitely went through this a year or two ago. It felt like I was constantly thinking, "Am I doing something wrong? Is someone judging me?" I would hide myself in these hideous over-sized hoodies, always be slouching, mutter when I talked, the whole shebang. But at one point, I remember just being sick of it, and deciding that I needed to make a change.

I found RPW around the same time and realized that I wanted to actually embrace my femininity. I'm studying in STEM and for some reason, that made me feel like I had to try to not appear "too girly," but then I stopped caring. After that, I think it was just a matter of "fake it 'til you make it." I wore more dresses, made sure to hold my head up high, and spoke more clearly. I think the biggest thing that helped, though, was just smiling more and becoming willing to talk to people. I found that it's so much easier to ignore your own insecurities when you're too busy focusing on interacting with others. People around me noticed and their compliments, combined with how I internally felt more put together and in control, really helped boost my confidence.

Soon, I didn't have to think about keeping those negative thoughts at bay anymore because my mind was already full of positive, happy ones. :)

winterisforhome · 2015-09-13T15:51:16+00:00

At the risk of sounding oh so cliche- be yourself. Or rather, let yourself be yourself. Recognize who you are and what you're comfortable with. Learn about yourself, and recognize your traits.

And stop putting yourself down! For example, if you're on the quieter side of things, you're probably a great listener! Perhaps your friends come to you for advice, knowing you'll always be there. Obviously if you're so shy you have a hard time talking to a cashier, that requires some adjusting. But because you're quieter, maybe don't marry a guy who needs to go out every weekend and needs you to be super energetic all the time. Take a look at yourself, even the parts that you perhaps dislike, and find a positive in there.

I used to look at my girlfriends (and still do) and think "someone is going to love you so much one day!" And one day I asked myself why I thought that, and my first response was "because she is herself." I don't think my girlfriends are perfect, they have their flaws and ups and downs, but I still think they're amazing women. I think they're amazing because they are themselves. Even if my friend Samantha fails, she failed in her own Samantha way and she will pick herself up and move on in her own Samantha way, and that to me is great. And I believe one day a great guy will come along and love her because she is Samantha. She's not faking it, she's not forcing herself into a shape that someone else created for her, she's herself and she will find her way herself.

I personally think that a lot of issues can be solved or dealt with by taking time over a few weeks to really get to know yourself and your traits. Really paying attention to how you react to things, how you deal with certain situations, how you feel when you're alone, how you feel when you're with friends, and then questioning why you feel that way- why was that your response? Go a little psychologist on yourself, don't tear yourself apart, just pay attention to how you do life and perhaps as why. You could be surprised at what you discover about you!

Once you know yourself, you know what you're capable of, you know your limits, you know what you want, then you will be far more self-assured. Some people may say "fake it til you make it", but I don't always agree with that, sometimes faking it is more of a band-aid than it is facing your issues head on. Figure out who you are and what you want and let yourself be yourself, whatever that may be.

Kittenkajira · 2015-09-13T01:31:07+00:00

Something my SO said helps me a lot: people are too focused on their own insecurities to notice yours. I think that's often true. Sometimes even those who appear put together and confident are having the same thoughts you are about themselves.

Really believing people when they compliment you can go a long way.

I've found those who appear confident are good at maintaining eye contact, which can also help shut your thoughts off.

Old_leaves_fall · 2015-09-13T10:16:20+00:00

Fake it til you make it in my case.

I remember reading somewhere (about running) that if you think people are staring at you as you run past, thinking you look silly, they probably have not even noticed you, and if they have, it is only for a second, then they are back to their own thoughts. (It was actually worded more like "Most humans are incredibly self-centered and you are just running past them, even though to you it seems like they are staring at you, you barely register to them")

I am extremely self-critical, and beat myself up about things way too much (My SO says that for someone who barely has an ego, I am incredibly competitive and a perfectionist, and hold myself to impossible standards while thinking everyone else is perfect). I also have a few psychological issues which do not help this situation.

I have just finished a STEM thing, and a large part of this was doing presentations in front of groups, and being in groups, and something I noticed was that everyone thought I came across as confident, calm and in control, even though I felt like every cell in my body was shaking, I was stumbling my words, and that my voice sounded awful. People also kept making me group leader, even though I thought I was the dumbest person there and had no clue what I was doing.

I told someone this, and they said "You look and sound so confident, and you always seem like you are in control of the situation, no matter what happens". This made me think that perhaps they are not seeing me the way I see me, because when I imagine how other people see me, it is this person who looks like one of those homeless people you see with paper bags with alcohol, with a voice that sounds like a teenage boy with a blocked nose.

One of my long-time gaming friends who lives overseas is under the impression that I actually sound like a less raspy version of this on voice chat: Strange NPC Voice from World of Warcraft, which made me realize again that it is my head that I am fighting, not other people making fun of me.

What I do, is, when my self confidence is particularly low (or my self-loathing is particularly high, depending on your view), I try to find what it is that is stressing me out, or what it is that is that I am not happy with, after all, when I am happy, and in a good frame of mind, I feel like I can take on the world, I feel taller than my SO (I am not!), I feel like I look good. So, when I am beating myself up, it is because there is something I am not happy about.

Sometimes, you cannot put a finger on what it is, sometimes there actually is nothing, and it is because I am overtired, or because I am about to hit my period (And I don't think I am alone in hating myself or thinking I should just drop out of everything I am doing in the days running up to my period), but most of the time it is something I can name. If it is because I am nervous about a presentation, then I just ensure I am a prepared as I can be for it, and remember that other people do not know the perfect speech I have in my head, and will barely notice stumbles during it. If it is because I am not liking something about myself, then I write a small plan, with small steps, and try to do them each day. (If I dont plan small steps, I will be like "Look how bad you are, you cant run 5km, you are pathetic and embarrassing", even though I have not done running for 15 years, and have an anxiety thing that makes me panic when my heart rate increases, or if I am redoing the house, if I dont plan, then I will think "You are pathetic, you didnt finish the whole thing today", even though my SO is saying that he is very impressed with how much I did in an hour or so). If I don't manage to complete the thing I wanted to do, I have learned that it is not the end of the world, no one but me knew what I planned, and rather than beat myself up for being stupid, and lazy and pathetic, I try to think "Tomorrow is another day, and a fresh start".

Finally, I try to remember where I have come from, and where I am now, and that I have come a long way, and it is a long hike, not a short sprint.

Apologies for the wall of text.

Blenson · 2015-09-13T07:41:58+00:00

Your already on the right track. All change first comes from within, so thats always the way to start.

Can you give some examples? Do you get nervous in social situations? Sabotage yourself when it matters most? Do you hold back from doing things because you are afraid of failure? Confidence is a very extensive subject that is woven in our thoughts, feelings and actions. Think about the exact nature of your problem, and you should be able to discern a pattern.

When you decide on your goals, you ask yourself 'if I could only accomplish one goal on this list, what would it be?" The single most important goal becomes known as your "keystone" goal, because it is the single goal around which all the others revolve. Often the accomplishment of this primary goal will aid or outright accomplish your other goals along the way.

Its a bit similar with confidence. Most often you are only suffering a single major block, but that one block is the basis for many others. Search yourself, and try to find a single, glaring dominating insecurity that is the root cause of your issue. For me personally, it was insecurity in my masculinity. I was insecure in my sexuality, social skills, professional life, because I felt like an overgrown boy living in a mans world. By addressing the single issue of my feelings of inferiority, the other issues (Sex, social and professional) have all been gradually resolving themselves along the way. Attack the problem at its roots.

As a final note, do you read? Reading alone can change your entire perspective on life. It has been the single most powerful tool for change in my life, and I cannot overstate the power and wisdom that can be gained from it. As a means of achieving success in any field, reading is right UP THERE with hanging around with good people and exercising, among the very best things you can do to create the life (or in your case, mind) that you want for yourself.

SouthernPetite · 2015-09-13T14:52:42+00:00

Firstly, I think a lot of it comes with age, so that may come at play here. For some reason around 25ish most people stop really caring what everyone else thinks, so that helps.

That aside, confidence comes from competence. Learn how to do something useful well, and your confidence will grow from there, particularly as you continue to master new things.

TheTerrorSquad · 2015-09-14T15:01:05+00:00

Don't compare your inside with other people's outsides

Washiface · 2015-09-13T21:19:30+00:00

My confidence has only come from experience. I know what I'm good at, because I've done it many times before. I also know what I'm bad at and I don't give myself grief for the stuff that I suck at. If it's something I really need to improve at, then I work at it. It it's not a big deal I just let it go. Other people aren't only focusing on my bad qualities, so why should I?

Confidence is not something you can just magically create by thinking yourself there. It's always best to think positively though about how you can get around problems and what you can potentially achieve than beating yourself up.

Code_Bordeauxx · 2015-09-14T17:10:32+00:00

Allright, confidence. I've actually spent quite some time thinking about how it forms, how I found mine and why others sometimes seem to lack it. Maybe some of my thoughts can help you out here.

I've come to see confidence as the belief that one has skills or abilities that allow you to 1) cater to your own needs in your life and 2) add value to the lives of the people you care about. Actually, you can separate these; let's call them 'personal confidence' and 'social confidence'.

So, personal confidence stems from your ability to look after yourself. It comes from the belief that you manage to live in a healthy way. From the belief that you can do a good job in making yourself look presentable and from the belief that you have the skills to earn a decent salary for yourself. But also from things that resemble your character; knowing you are good at solving problems when they arise for example. Or knowing you're intelligent/creative/very social.

For a well developed personal confidence you need to identify these good traits in yourself. And while you don't need to posess every good trait I mentioned (and it's not an exhaustive list either), if you can't identify enough positive ones it's certainly possible to create more through self improvement, or perhaps remove negative ones if needed.

Now, as mentioned earlier social confidence is a bit different. Here we are looking for attributes that you posess that add value to other people's lives, more specifically the ones you really care about; your friends and family. So unless you care greatly about your boss, your professional skills aren't going to help you here. Social confidence is knowing you're a fun person who can make people laugh. It is the belief that people know you're reliable, kind and supportive to them. Or as simple a thing as knowing you can cook a great meal for your SO or your friends. You have to ask yourself the question: what can I do to add value to the lives of others?. Again, if you believe you lack positive aspects or have too many negative ones that offset them, self improvement can alter that balance for the better.

From what I've seen in the people around me, those who were clearly inconfident usually lacked things that made them valuable as a person. They live uninteresting lives, don't try to build social skills and they don't see progress in their own development. Or, they did these things right but failed to identify them, so they could never rely on them. Personally I've been quite confident from a young age. I knew I was intelligent, creative and undertaking and I liked explaining things. People have always valued me for my initiatives and supportive mentality. Now, I think it's good to mention here that I'm male, so as a female you might find more appreciation for other attributes. The key is to find what you're good at and what others appreciate you for, and then to steadily expand that set of attributes. I hope this has given you and the others here some useful insights.

KatherineKelly · 2015-09-15T23:56:21+00:00

I do not measure myself against others. I found when I did that I did not like myself. Either I was feeling superior and arrogant which made me feel guilty for thinking that I'm better than others or inferior and ashamed which caused massive amounts of anxiety.

Watch how often you compared yourself to others. It happens in the mind constantly and they are very fast thoughts.

Usually things related to status. Beauty,intelligence and material possesions are the big ones.

Think about all the ways you are critical of your body. This always comes with seeing others who have what you want and don't have. This causes insecurity and resentment.

Focus on your own life and making it the best you can for yourself.

Make your life trip about what you can learn. How you can stretch and grow. Be kind to your body and your mind.

Health should come before beauty because beauty comes out of health. Forget about being intelligent for others. Learn what you are interested in for yourself and not to impress others.

Everyone is born with natural gifts. Identify them and develop them not to seek out approval and acceptance from others but to give meaning to your life.

Two things have helped my confidence. Developing the life skills to keep myself safe and take care of myself and breaking the habit of comparing myself for better or worse against others.

It is the selfish ownership of your life without becoming hurtful of others in this selfish ownership.

P.S Never stop reading. Read anything that expands your world and mind. Also try to travel as much as possible. It is critical to see from differing perspectives and meeting others from different lands will give you this.

Katniss_Granger · 2015-09-18T10:43:47+00:00

Honestly - I fake it 'til I make it - people see a confident person and they see all the good things about them, all the reasons they have to be confident and they think well of them, they don't know all the worries going through my head, eventually you start to notice and embrace the approving looks. Takes time but it's worth it.

Another thing I keep in mind is this - nobody cares. They care about you as much as you care about them. When you see a randomer on the street and they're doing something wrong you spare a split second thought on them "huh, that's weird" and never again. You go about your life and never think of them after that and that's what happens when people look at you.

When I was getting over my eating disorder I stood infront of a mirror every morning before I left the house and pointed out one thing I liked, I repeated that thing the next morning and added another, the next morning I repeated the previous two and added another. Sometimes it starts small and insignificant - " I suppose my eyelashes aren't completely abysmal" and eventually it moves up.

Also - make sure you're eating and living well, people underestimate the effect their hormones have on their mood and their attitude - just a generally happier mood makes it easier :)

LifeHasLag · 2015-09-15T11:44:56+00:00

I get anxious and due to my upbringing tend to doubt myself, take what people say to heart even if it's BS. I'm getting better about not going into black/white thinking and realizing some people don't have anything good to offer. Knowing that this is what I lean to and being able to "catch it" helps :) It's a negative mental habit.

I think my confidence comes from resilience and time alone to work on myself. I've been through hell and back, and by choice and circumstance was isolated since I was a kid. Now that I'm freed up from the worst of those circumstances and mentally sound, I'm careful about who I interact with and for what reason. So... I keep things together by limiting/structuring my contact with people and media. (The bitterness and cynicism of the media has been killing me lately, I'll admit.) Garbage in, garbage out. The people around you do influence you no matter how willful you may be, it's best to have a good support system and people who reinforce positive things for you as you grow. You can go it alone, but remember to take a break with good or at least like-minded people, and watch how many negative people you let stay in your life.

Title	Confidence
Author	dalls18
Upvotes	25
Comments	19
Date	September 13, 2015 12:04 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/3kq4hs/confidence/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/confidence.85601 https://theredarchive.com/post/85601

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