Dating Retrospective - please help

YYCchatterbox · 2020-11-26T15:47:41+00:00

I think that the first indicator for you should have been when he said that he has always felt "pressured" when it came to exclusivity from his past 6 girlfriends. Its one thing to have a pushy ex, its quite another when it happens 6 times. Much of the time, people feel determined to be the anomaly in a well established pattern (AKA "i can change him" or "but I understand him and fufill his needs better"). The next time this type of excuse comes up, consider it a yellow light... not a green light. Approach with caution, do NOT race ahead with optimism.

The last guy I dated has never had a serious girlfriend and openly admitted to being a commitment phobe. When I asked him why he thought that was, he shrugged. I asked him what his purpose was on online dating and he said "well I want a relationship, but I'm scared to be in one". He acted like a wounded animal, and for a moment I felt the urge to be his saviour. BUT, because of my past history (similar to yours) of taking this information as a sign that I should try my hardest to convince him how great I was... I took a different approach in this situation. I stopped having any expectations of him, he had eliminated himself as a contender for marriage and a LTR. What this meant was that he never ended up getting into bed with me, because I don't sleep with men who aren't going to look after my heart and establish a growing relationship. It meant that when he asked me out and I had better plans that would help me reach my relationship goals better, he wasn't my priority.

Yno what the result was from him? Panic.

But he set the stage to be a disappointment, and he knew it. He wanted a situation where he could be vague and string me along so he would have free access to sex and emotional support without ever having to give very much back. After all, in his brain, he was being "honest" about how he sucks at commitment. Instead of trying to be the miracle girl who could fix him, like i've done before... I stepped back... and stepping back helped me gain clarity and my attraction levels for him plummeted like a rock. When you accepted that guy back, you accepted the risk of a well established bad pattern, while you tried in earnest to succeed, you probably always knew it was a risky decision.

Please know, I do NOT say this from a place of judgement.

I have BEEN there, and I absolutely understand why you feel the way you do. So if my words sound harsh, I promise you they aren't, they are simply a plea to find a man who is whole, and not one who is perpetually fearful and wounded by the idea of progress.

Edit: spelling

tvapoangnoll · 2020-11-26T14:38:31+00:00

I'm so sorry you are going through this! He sounds like a really immature guy, wanting you to set bounderies because otherwise he will mistreat you. You shouldn't need to set boundaries. If a man is doing things you don't like, you can say so and you can let him know your wishes. But he should be mature enough to make his own decisions in life and treat you right, not make it your responsibiliy. You sound like a really nice girl, so keep being thankful and respectful. And don't forget to speak out your wants and needs. But to the right man! I think you need to vet better, be alert of hìs red flags. Maybe he is right you were too afraid of losing him. Don't be afraid to lose a bad man! If you think you don't deserve better, that's something to work on.

MirriMazDuur · 2020-11-26T15:13:11+00:00

I get the feeling that he TOLD YOU that you do not set boundaries as an excuse for his own lack of responsability

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2020-11-26T19:14:04+00:00

how can I set boundaries for next time and push back?

So... it sounds like your boyfriend probably never liked you that much honestly. He didn’t want to commit to you til your forced him, and he didn’t respect your feeling or treat you well.

In a healthy relationship, you don’t have to necessarily set hard boundaries. Your partner should respect you and not push something that they know will hurt you.

Obviously if your boundaries are something specific that is not necessarily a normal boundary then you should be firm, but otherwise a respectful man who likes you won’t do this kind of thing.

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2020-11-26T15:54:47+00:00

How long were you exclusively dating for? And how satisfying was your sex life? It sounds like he wants a "mommy" figure to motivate him in life, which is not appealing. I do believe in the concept that "men are like blow torches (immediate fire that can shut off with no warning) and women are like ovens (slow to warm up but steady heat once turned on) in love. It's an ironic twist of nature, but it happens none the less. Which is another reason to delay full sexual intimacy until a man is really emotionally commited. If you know what you're looking for in a long term partner, and it's not someone who is selfish and immature and wants to walk all over you, then write down a list of deal breakers so you have a mental checklist of non negotiables. Look for the male qualities promoted in books like The Rational Male to see if your dating prospects match this. And, beware if he tries to come back (he already walked away once). This is also a sign he really doesn't know what he wants in life. Good luck!

riverphoenix23 · 2020-11-26T18:32:15+00:00

[deleted]

TranslatedSky · 2020-11-27T03:40:13+00:00

You’re not alone in making this mistake. History is the best predictor of the future. Him confessing to his iffy history and not wanting to be exclusive is a red flag - next time trust what he says. Also because it’s your first relationship, let me tell you how common it is for men to come running back and chase you hard after you pull away. Don’t be so easily won over.

Your best bet is in looking at consistent sustained actions, and even then don’t sign and seal away your trust once there is verbal affirmation you’re exclusive. Trust should be a very gradual thing, proven over time. Same for relationship perks and privileges.

I also struggled a lot with boundaries because I always wanted to be the best partner, and made a lot of vetting mistakes. It took therapy to find out why. If you put up with all of those things your ex mentioned, likely you don’t have the healthiest self respect.

Even now, you harp on your ex’s comment about not seeing marriage with you and all the things he said were wrong about you. Ever considered that you never really vetted him properly and he may not be a worthy Captain? Did he deserve the treatment you were giving him? Are you by psychological nature attracted to things that seem unattainable hence the lack of safety with him was attractive? These things you have to know.

No one talks about it much here, but RPW and the desire to be a submissive/good partner can be a hotbed for attracting manipulative and abusive men. Nagging is NOT expressing desires, saying no, initiating serious conversations, walking away when mistreated, feeling safe and having your needs met. But with the wrong man, not necessarily an abusive one, but they will definitely take advantage should you not have self respect, the ability to discern bullshit, and the strength to walk away from bullshit.

So familiarize with vetting techniques on the sidebar, write down a list of dealbreakers, how you want to be treated in a relationship and cross check frequently while in the relationship. Work on what you really want out of a partner and resist the temptation especially to date men you know from the get-go isn’t right for you. It’s your first relationship so you get a pass.

Lastly stop thinking about what your ex said. He was not commitment minded to begin with and openly admitted to sabotaging the relationship because of his nature. It’s not easy to, but don’t stay in touch and block him if you can. He clearly knows how to keep you on hook and may be tempted to reach out down the road when he’s bored.

Davidoff24 · 2020-11-26T14:33:06+00:00

I am sorry you went through this. I am sending you my best thoughts.

Please protect yourself in the future from anybody who mistreats you. The way to do it is to ask yourself what you clearly and firmly won't accept from men and stick to those rules. Under no circumstances bend those rules and accept him back - that is just asking for further disrespect. The way you treat yourself is the way others will treat you. I know there is this fearful thought us women have that if we don't please a guy, even when we are mistreated, he will walk away and we will lose him. It does hurt when you lose the guy you love, BUT you as a person come first and it is vital you keep your self whole.

lord-denning · 2020-11-26T15:49:16+00:00

This is the unfortunate outcome of the modern dating world. It is hard for a woman to gain commitment when other women aren’t insisting on it either. Men who are in demand can and often will move on.

Depending on what your goal is, my suggestion for you is to upgrade your feminine traits to the max and then seek an older, more experienced guy in the future who may be more interested in settling down and then aim to indirectly make it happen much earlier.

This art of “getting the guy” was something that previous generations of women had perfected, but is now lost and has been replaced with feminist goals so you will need to ask the ladies in this sub and hopefully they can help you. From my perspective I can only tell you that feminine charm, properly capitalized upon, is mesmerizing to men.

LateralThinker13 · 2020-11-26T19:00:35+00:00

You are 28 and coming off of your first real relationship. I would address whatever issues held you back from dating for so long. Also, take a confidence-building course/therapy so that you know how to better manage yourself in future. Doormats don't get lucky and land a respectable man; they get walked on.

CountTheBees · 2020-11-27T10:26:20+00:00

If he himself told you that you were grateful and accepting of him, and he walked all over you, this isn't a problem with how you acted in the relationship, it's a problem with who you picked.

So. Here's the good news. You were a good partner. You did the right things.

The bad news. You picked a bad man. You trusted him too soon, too easy, and wasted your goodwill on someone who was never going to reciprocate.

Think back to when you just met him. What did he tell you about himself that you ignored? That you assumed would not happen with you? What did you brush off because you really wanted it to work?

I think it would be good for you to go back and remember as much as you can from what he told you about himself very early on, and what you interpreted it as, and whether your opinion on any of it being a red flag has changed in hindsight. This will let you vet better in the future, now that you know what to look out for.

riverphoenix23 · 2020-11-26T23:14:36+00:00

[removed]

mutunda · 2020-11-27T01:49:49+00:00

Exclusivity is very important and that is an immediate deal breaker if he was not exclusive. I also don’t blame him for being hesitant to marry. He probably saved a lot of money and headaches down the road. Glad to see men waking up. You’ll be ok though, you can do anything you put you’re mind to. I’m glad it’s getting harder for women to find committed men. It’s just too dangerous these days. Good on him for leaving and good on you for moving on. 😎

Title	Dating Retrospective - please help
Author	riverphoenix23
Upvotes	40
Comments	20
Date	November 26, 2020 1:57 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/k1fn91/dating_retrospective_please_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/dating-retrospective-please-help.330724 https://theredarchive.com/post/330724

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