Did I hit a dead-end?

Trick-Consequence-18 · 2026-03-20T17:18:49+00:00

This doesn’t sound like a dead end at all. It sounds like an open conversation.

Think about what you really want out of the financial arrangement. Are you trying to ensure that all money is ‘ours’? Are you worried he’s always going to expect you to contribute the same amount or more? Are you afraid you can’t trust him to manage money? Are you afraid of being left off assets (like the house)?

Once you know what YOU want, there are likely several ways to achieve it. You two just need to find 1 that you both like. And it seems likely that you can find 1.

My husband didn’t want to account for every dollar to me either. I have 0 interest in that. We keep our own credit cards and pay the balances out of a shared bank account. It works for us. We each have privacy on what we are buying but have accountability to each other on how much we are spending total.

But both our names need to be on all assets. You might have to get creative on solution if for that if he refuses to add you. But find out!

Jenneapolis · 2026-03-20T15:23:49+00:00

Why is this so important to you that your finances are combined? My husband and I keep everything separate and I prefer it that way. It seems to me like you may be reading meaning into this, you say lack of trust and partnership, where that may not be the case.

Do not, I repeat do not throw away a good thing over something like this. This is where the compromise in relationships comes in, we don’t get everything we want. As long as you think the financial arrangement itself is fair in terms of what you both are paying, how it gets done really shouldn’t matter IMO (though I’m sure there are women who disagree). It doesn’t matter if things are in separate accounts too legally as once you marry, they both belong to both of you.

Jasperbeardly11 · 2026-03-20T18:02:46+00:00

How are you 3 years into a relationship and this is now just surfacing? And the things you listed of him being perfect for you are very superficial.

Are you sure you have vetted this man in a respectable manner?

VasiliyZaitzev · 2026-03-20T20:05:08+00:00

When discussing how we'd like to handle it after marriage, he said he'd like to keep the same arrangement we have now. That to me is outrageous, I felt shocked he'd say that.

This is the real issue. Reasonable people can disagree. Just because the other person wants smth different than you do doesn't make them wrong/a terrible person, etc.

Ex. One of my sisters and her husband have their own personal accounts and they have worked out who pays for what, and do not necessarily have visibility into what the other person is doing. They are both savers, and AFAIK, so long as their savings/investment goals are met, then that's that. They have been happily married for over 45 years. Full Disclosure: My other sisters are also long-marrieds (the shortest marriage is 20+ years), but I don't know how they handle things - I happened to be present for the convo where she mentioned how they did things.

Back on point, I am not shocked at all that an adult, who has lived years as an adult in society, managing his finances perfectly well, doesn't immediately want to cede control over everything.

Why do you want to be on the deed? In case you've get divorced? That's also the reason that he might not want you on the deed, insofar as he's the only one who has contributed to the mortgage.

Whomever has already told you to seek legal advice was right; you may be entitled to 50% of the increase in value of the home over the time you are married if things ever end in divorce, regardless. A lot depends on jurisdiction.

I believe marriage is a partnership and the fact he wants to keep his money separate means a lack of trust.

Not everyone believes what you do, and that doesn't make them a "bad person." Is this how you argue with him? "Agree with me or you're a bad person"?

Insisting on too much control, etc., may lead to various bad results.

Ex. I know a guy who is a multi-millionaire. His wife, per him, averages a box from Amazon every other day, but heaven forbid he decides he wants a new putter or driver or smth. At a minimum he get a lot side-eye, and sometimes some guff about spending a few hundred $ on himself. He finally got a different credit card, using his office address, which he uses to hide these sort of purchases from his wife because he doesn't want to put up with her BS. Is that "right"? Nope. But neither is creating an environment so toxic that he resorts to that so he can have a new golf club, and some peace.

Is there away around this?

There are a few options, but being a "my way or the highway" partner isn't going to lead to happiness. You would be giving up a lot if you decide to make this a sin qua non , but you would also be giving up a lot.

Here are some options:

A. You keep things as-is, which he wants and you do not. Bear in mind that he's a guy, the current arrangement seems to be working out, and "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Not what you want, so let's proceed.

B. You have a "household" account out of which mutual expenses are paid, and everyone keeps the balance of their own $ privately. My guess is you don't want this either.

C. You have mutual accounts and each person keeps a percentage of the $ they earn for themselves, either as "mad money" or smth else. He gets a new driver and you keep quiet about it, you get an Hermes scarf (or whatever) and he keeps quiet about it.

One thing you should consider, either way, is some term life insurance, likely reciprocal policies, as you are both earners.

Good luck to both of you, however you may resolve it.

markus0iwork · 2026-03-20T16:38:22+00:00

My parents do this. 40+ years happily married.

Even-Purple-1749 · 2026-03-20T15:32:48+00:00

The most problematic thing here is the house doesn't have your name on it / tou havententioned a plan to be on it.. so whilst you pay utilities and groceries which could be as much as the mortgage is (or whatever a %).

He is keeping his money as the value is retained in the property. If you were to split up it makes this more complex - you haven't paid anything towards mortgage on paper etc, not in your name, he said she said. Personally I would be highly uncomfortable with this. The other separation is no issues, different strokes etc.

But if for example you pay 6k a year in bills and he pays 12k on the mortgage, he's keeping a lot of that as value on the house whereas the bills disappear. Furthermore, what about repairs to the home / improvements? Will you be contributing? The person you divorce is very different to the person you marry. Be very careful and seek legal advise.

Edit to add: whatever you do each of you should retain an account of your own in some capacity regardless.

JPDG · 2026-03-20T19:27:57+00:00

My wife and I have separate finances. We love it and wouldn't want it any other way.

Zrepsilon · 2026-03-20T18:39:27+00:00

I think an important piece of information is if you plan to have kids. If you don’t this is perfectly acceptable. If you do, he’ll need to adjust.

When my wife and I had our first kid we decided it was important to us that we raise our kids and not some daycare, which meant her staying home. So, I added her to my credit card and never looked back. She is extremely respectful with my open checkbook because she sees how hard I work.

InevitableKiwi5776 · 2026-03-21T06:52:35+00:00

I guess think about why you feel you need access to his accounts to feel like he trusts you. You can also just deposit your paycheck into the joint account if you don’t want to deal with multiple accounts. Show him you trust him with your money first.

Thaleox · 2026-03-23T18:02:36+00:00

Put all the money together and share expenses. You are not roomies, but husband and wife.

reading_girl5 · 2026-03-28T08:32:55+00:00

He’s getting free groceries and using you, and paying off his mortgage . He would have to pay his own food and house but he’s using your money to upgrade his life.

Dionne005 · 2026-03-20T17:00:24+00:00

We have separate accounts but I also have a credit card attached to his account. He just tells me when I need to be mindful on spending. Idk I think you’re messing up. Once you become mother of his child you should be fine if you’re worried about securing the bag. But your real concern should be your name on the house.

NationalMouse · 2026-03-20T16:58:46+00:00

I was exactly in your shoes when I got married to my husband (then fiancé). I sent the following video from Dave Ramsey to him and told him “I hope you watch and consider this advice from Dave Ramsey because i agree with him 100% and it is exactly how I think finances should be handled in a marriage. This is a dealbreaker for me. If you don’t agree then I don’t think we are compatible.” After watching it he completely did a 180 and agreed with me and we’ve never had to fight over money ever since.

https://youtu.be/_-coAGwkAcM?si=I4CQkMKDSCqZ_34a

Even-Purple-1749 · 2026-03-20T15:24:24+00:00

Very dangerous to not be on the mortgage.

Ready-Interaction883 · 2026-03-21T12:25:23+00:00

Her money is my money. My money is mine

AutoModerator · 2026-03-20T15:05:45+00:00

Title: Did I hit a dead-end?

Author ThrowAwayFennelSeed

Full text: Hi all, I've (29f) got engaged to my fiancé (31M) a few months ago.
We've lived together for almost 3 years and I finally got a ring. The proposal was beautiful and I was over the moon.

He's everything I could ask for: taller than me, makes good money, makes me laugh. I'm incredibly attracted to him.

The problem is we don't see eye to eye on finances. Currently he pays for the mortgage (house's on his name), while I pay utilities and groceries. For dates, trips and other expenses we have a joint account and pool some money every month.

When discussing how we'd like to handle it after marriage, he said he'd like to keep the same arrangement we have now. That to me is outrageous, I felt shocked he'd say that.

I believe marriage is a partnership and the fact he wants to keep his money separate means a lack of trust. He explained he doesn't want to have to 'answer' for his money, nor me to have to 'explain' myself with purchases.

We're both good with money and have stable careers. I can't understand where he is coming from. It was a punch in the gut. Is there away around this?

TLDR: fiancé wants to keep separate finances even after marriage, he says it's better for both of us (gives us independence) but I see it as lack of trust and partnership.

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

AutoModerator · 2026-03-20T15:05:45+00:00

Thank you for posting to RPW. Here are a couple reminders:

If you are seeking relationship advice. Make sure you are answering the guidelines for asking for advice on the rules page. Include any relevant context regarding religion, culture, living arrangements/LDRs, or other information that will help commenters.
Do not delete your post once you have your answers. Others may have the same question!
You must participate in your own post. If you put up a post and disappear, it will be removed.
We are not here for non-participants to study us. If you are writing a paper or just curious, read our sidebar and wiki and old posts.
Men are not allowed to ask questions and generally discouraged from participating unless they are older, partnered and have Red Pill experience.
Within the last year, RedPillWomen has had over half a dozen 'Banned from 'x' subreddit' post for commenting/subscribing to RPW. Moving forwards, the mods will remove these types of posts: 1, 2, 3, 4. We recommend you make a RPW specific account.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

bnodnarb · 2026-04-21T11:39:49+00:00

Leave him. He’s not worth your time.

triggerxwarning · 2026-03-21T16:28:19+00:00

There absolutely is a way around this—stop being so entitled.

ShabbyJerking · 2026-03-21T01:54:23+00:00

I believe marriage is a partnership and the fact he wants to keep his money separate means a lack of trust.

He can argue the same thing the opposite way too.

I believe marriage is a partnership and the fact that she doesn't want me to keep my money separate means a lack of trust.

IMHO you shouldn't fight for his money. What you should fight for is the house. I mean, you are living there, you got the ring (baby next?). Going forward the partnership would be kind of ridiculous without you having some kind of stake for your living space.

Title	Did I hit a dead-end?
Author	ThrowAwayFennelSeed
Upvotes	12
Comments	39
Date	March 20, 2026 3:05 PM UTC (4 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1ryyqte/did_i_hit_a_deadend/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/did-i-hit-a-dead-end.1575987 https://theredarchive.com/post/1575987

Comments