Pandora's box in strangers

SaltySeas54004 · 2022-12-03T08:45:33+00:00

Speaking from experience [28M]. OP, I'm very aware of this Pandora's Box you mention. I hope this doesn't derail from your original focus:

I've been on the side where my Pandora Box has been opened and I've clearly hurt the ones I've loved. So much so, we don't even recognize the damage we've done until we all but gave up.

I've reflected on my lowest moments for years; not a day goes by where I haven't learned something new about those darkened days. Here's what I've learned about Men and their relationship to their Pandora's Box.

As a boy, one can dream big. Sometimes, the bigger the dream, the harder adjustment to reality is, thus the deeper the box when it's opened. Grown men are no different from those young optimistic boys, they've just been burned a few good times. Some make it out and learn the right lessons and go on to becoming a few good men, others not much. Most learn to scale back their dreams and suffer in silence, but that is no way to live in the end.

You may think it's the large dreams that are dangerous but that's not so. The transition from boyhood to manhood require a particular tempering process in the minds of young men. It is to develop a certain 'conscious surrender'. In Western culture, this tempering process largely absent and we leave it up to the days their Pandora's Boxes come raging out... this is largely the issue; the lack of personal responsibility to intentionally develop this awareness in both our culture and across generations.

At the family level we don't integrate our son's with this process. At friendship level, we don't guide our brothers when something wrong occurs. At a cultural level we don't instill this as the foundational belief as Westerners. We choose this American Dream that speak to the individual but not so much the team.

Women are very powerful. When the right woman steps into a man's life, they can light a fire in his soul that will never go out. But... This does require a very intentional woman, one who knows herself in what she is and is not willing to tolerate. She knows boundaries: she brings consciousness to the callous of building a fortress in our minds and the rawness of not caring at all.

This intentional women does have to learn just how deep that Pandora's Box goes. I believe the beauty of her answer, lies in understanding her own Pandora's Box.

The same intentional work goes for men. In the end, both do require each other to be conscious individuals. It's not about being a punching bag for someone else's raging emotions (no man nor woman should be each other's emotional punching bag), instead it's about providing psychological containment for each other, which requires a certain surrender and genuine curiosity to the individual.

I hope I wasn't repetitive. ✌️

Redlimetree · 2022-12-03T00:18:26+00:00

Is resentment the word you are looking for?

Once it forms it can be hard to love again especially if both parties are too proud to make the steps to heal the relationship. And sometimes we and our partner get triggered by "insignificant" things only because of past experiences. Which if not resolved builds resentment that the other partner may not understand.

LadySandcastle · 2022-12-03T01:16:46+00:00

I remember reading a similar sentiment, maybe from here or maybe from Lauren Doyle's book. I agree there will probably come a time where even 'HVM' husband's crack and struggle to keep their cool. I think the men call this maintaining frame? I also agree it's important to have patience during these times and don't let resentment build. I've accidently helped release Pandora's box a couple times and it was difficult for us to work through, but ultimately I think my husband and I learned a lot about how to communicate with each other because of it.

CountTheBees · 2022-12-04T21:31:55+00:00

I don't know if I've told this story before. But with my previous boyfriend, he was young, and I was young, but I guess we had a lot of baggage. We were in the vetting phase. He was having a bad day and getting cross and I was patiently listening to his troubles. He was unusually cross. Then I did something innocent, totally normal, but he snapped at me. This I could not take, because I was not the source of his problems, and it was ok for me to listen to him and be with him while he was cross, but not for him to take it out on me.

So I cried, and I said, "But what did I do?" And this was enough for him. He realised his mistake, but only with vulnerability. What I did was not fighting and he did not perceive it as fighting. We kissed and made up immediately.

I understand your sentiment. It is perfectly natural for men to release their emotions in a Pandora's Box, even outside the relationship in which it was created. And it is perfectly natural for women to empathise and put others feelings above their own, and thereby become closer with the man by sharing his life. But it's not right for that to come out directed at you, and either he realises this on his own, or you help him realise it. If you don't help him realise it, he will be in your 'debt' once he realises (and he will once the Box is spent). Because all things have their proper place and he will know as soon as he can see why he was acting that way that his feelings were not in their proper place. I don't know, maybe this is what you want, and it will work far better than a vow of marriage at binding him to you. But I think you need to understand this is what is happening. Because these kinds of debts are very, very hard to repay.

I'm about one chapter into a book about fairies and rituals (it's Puck of Pook's Hill by Rudyard Kipling) and the first chapter is basically American Gods but a century before it and set in England (and I thought Gaiman was super original! Nothing is new under the sun). And it places importance on favours. Once you do someone a favour they are in your debt and debts must be repaid. I think deep within our psyche we understand this and because the book spelled it out for me, I can see it here.

Yes, what you describe is a way of making a man indebted to you and that will absolutely bind him to you. But be careful, because such ties are very strong, and maybe they will cause him to stay when he would otherwise leave. So you can't really trust him to 'vet' you because this debt, he will have to repay it first, maybe by staying instead of leaving! And you probably think I sound crazy, why wouldn't I want a man to stay?? Well life's funny. And sometimes we deserve what we get. Things in their right place and all that. But yeah. Just explicitly spelling it out.

Jenneapolis · 2022-12-03T00:15:19+00:00

I read this a couple times, and if I’m understanding the point OP is trying to make its this: once a man feels safe with you, he may take out his frustration and previous hurt from relationships on you because he trusts you and feels comfortable. OP is saying don’t fight back, take it, be patient or you could lose him. Yes??

My opinion: this is an extremely fine line to walk. Of course we all come with baggage to relationships, and we have more as we get older. But you cannot be a doormat either or a punching bag for your guy to take all his previous issues out on you just like you should not do that to him. If this is happening on a regular basis, it’s a problem or at least it would be to me.

free_breakfast_ · 2022-12-04T20:48:17+00:00

Pandora's box is from Fascinating Womanhood which is one of the two highlighted books from our wiki (the other being For Woman Only).

I'm aware that different personality types are drawn to different 'tools in the toolbox'.

For some women who have preferences towards being:

'Head' Centered - For Woman Only may be more preferred
'Heart' Centered - Fascinating Womanhood may be more preferred

But as far as having a handbook of clear, straightforward, and simple actionable tactics and strategies - I feel that all RPW should first start with For Woman Only.

This could just be my predisposition towards being a thinker before I am a feeler, but doing some quick research on Fascinating Womanhood on amazon brought me to an awesome reader's review that I felt would bring some clarity to people who are reading this post and are uncertain about what specific actions this post and book is recommending. The reviewer provides a context and framework about utilizing FW not as a "handbook" but on a study of using Soft Power in relationships where you have less Hard Power (which is typical in most RPW relationship dynamics or those in which they subscribe to the captain/first mate dynamics for a sustainable and happy long term relationship). I think the reader's review is best summed up from this small excerpt from her study of the book:

Old Review: "For Last Resorts" (2 Stars) If you're in a position to say that your relationship is the only thing wrong in your life, then maybe give this book a try. If you are willing to sacrifice literally anything to fix your marriage then give it a try

Quite honestly, this book shouldn't be used except in extreme circumstances -- possibly a good response to a midlife crisis or other severe and long term depressions, but as a "handbook," this book is not your friend.

Still something I gift to all of my women seeking marital counseling. It's the napalm version of help, but help nonetheless.

Fascinating Womanhood then becomes a model of Andelin techniques in which you can have a prescriptive image of becoming a 'Fascinating Woman' who inspires devotion, protective instincts, and care from men. But also keep in mind that the energy of the book skew towards sacrifice and recovery mode for relationships that are in need of saving.

sunglasses90 · 2022-12-02T23:00:03+00:00

I have no clue what any of this meant. It’s like word salad. Sorry.

Scared-Tea-8911 · 2022-12-03T04:40:22+00:00

Meh… everyone has baggage, but this take seems to be excusing everyone (men and women) from owning and managing their own baggage - in favor of just letting it explode everywhere and making your partner deal with it. That’s what therapy is for… your wife is not your therapist, and any man who is not adequately emotionally mature to handle their own baggage is not mature enough to have a relationship.

Just exploding or being exploded on emotionally isn’t appropriate… adults should be able to handle their emotions and not get “comfortable” enough to verbally berate their partners for no reason

SunshineSundress · 2022-12-03T01:29:52+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Glad-Discount-4761 · 2022-12-03T07:26:05+00:00

It could open in your HVM once he starts to trust you and the resentment about all the bad treatment from a woman that didn't deserve his care and protection breaks out into the open. It could be that the more he feels safe with you the more likely he will burst at some point into something about which you clearly can feel that it doesn't belong to you.

Damn

I think if woman made post here about how her man burst at her due to his bad treatment from ex.I am sure most comments would be filled with "He is immature".No one would reply,"Oh..he bursts at you because he trusts or feel safe with you"

AutoModerator · 2022-12-02T22:47:07+00:00

Title: Pandora's box in strangers

Full text: We all suffer immensely from the current state of our families. The patchwork families, the disconnect, the missing feminine glue that brings harmony into social circles, the missing male strength and character that brings stability and orientation to the families.

Neither men nor women are built for serial monogamy or the modern dating market. We all loose. TRP merely teaches men to survive without becoming the victim. RPW teaches women how to be the glue to their families and the safe place to land for their husbands.

If we feel loved and cherished it is all to easy to be a safe place to land. We can easily turn quite narcissist and hungry for attention and someone catering to our egos, telling us that we are the most beautiful, sweetest woman in the world and that all the best should only belong to us. Then it is easy to start smiling again after we have shed some tears because we didn't get flowers for the wedding in the color we wanted.

I am of course exaggerating a bit. However, it becomes very difficult for us to change the dynamic once we start feeling unloved. Probably feeling unloved is that point for most of us that either makes or breaks a relationship particularly in the beginning.

For some of us, even the most dedicated HVM, will not make it into our list because he does not make us feel loved enough.

So now imagine you meet this wonderful man, you feel safe with him, he makes you laugh and is always available to tell you something that sparks your interest. However it turns out that this man has baggage, too. He has scars from the dating life that lies behind him. Pain from the women that betrayed his trust, anger from being treated disrespectfully after he didn't fullfill the expectations of a girlfriend.

Sometimes he overreacts because of something you didn't do. Sometimes it is someone who doesn't carry much baggage. Sometimes it is someone who carries a lot but carries it well and then still there might be moments when he bursts.

Pandora's box opens in the stranger as well. It could open in your HVM once he starts to trust you and the resentment about all the bad treatment from a woman that didn't deserve his care and protection breaks out into the open. It could be that the more he feels safe with you the more likely he will burst at some point into something about which you clearly can feel that it doesn't belong to you.

You can decide now to win this man's heart by helping him release even if it is unjust, bei his safe place to land. Listen to his anger. Don't fight back. Be feminine.

I am not suggesting to do this with everybody and do it never, nor do I suggest to always do it. But it could be useful for somebody you want to keep even if he has become grumpy or a little bit weak after all the fights. I guess you will know when it is worth it.

You can also do it with strangers or people you meet somewhere. As I said we all suffer from these times and if we want we can help each other to release at least some of the pain with compassion.

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Title	Pandora's box in strangers
Author	DelicateDevelopment
Upvotes	8
Comments	26
Date	December 2, 2022 10:47 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/zb0her/pandoras_box_in_strangers/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/pandoras-box-in-strangers.1143162 https://theredarchive.com/post/1143162

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