Perceived distance?

bicepsblastingstud · 2015-09-25T11:07:24+00:00

I feel like I'm seeing a version of my bf as if he were on the market? Does that make sense? It doesn't send me into a panic but it does bring up discomfort. Not because I think him working out will make him leave but it's just this strange feeling of seeing him in an almost "single" light and not feeling that security.

Probably the best description on reddit of what dread game feels like for the woman.

StingrayVC · 2015-09-25T11:38:09+00:00

Ah, Dread. Ain't it grand? I'm quite familiar with this as it's describes my husband quite well. Here's the thing about Dread. This is one of the driving forces of your attraction. If he suddenly stopped this, you would likely find your attraction waning and be completely baffled as to why. That lovey dove stuff that you love without the Dread would soon get irritating.

Also, it very likely has nothing to do with you.

stayinathome · 2015-09-25T15:00:54+00:00

This is described in men are from mars, women are from venus, in this book he calls it going in the man's hole. The advice given in the book is to not bring it up and be loving to him when he comes back.

My husband does this and it does make me uncomfortable. I try to focus on my personal hobbies during this time, learn something new. I also like OP try to make the place more relaxing when he comes home from work, make sure the house smells nice/neutral, everything is organized and clean.

I have just started having the dog outside when he first gets home, I can't decide on this one, as it is nice to have the grand greeting from the dog, but he is so high energy and needy, maybe I will just tire him out before he gets home.

I don't talk much for the first 10 minutes at least, just hug, kiss and listen. I need to get better at the listening part. I tend to offer solutions or explanations for the behavior of his coworkers. Or pollyanna it up. I need to be more empathetic.

TempestTcup · 2015-09-25T11:08:53+00:00

It sounds like you two are living together; have you been together long?

From what you have written, the more he is away (working out, working, etc.) the more anxious you get, and the more he wants to distance himself from that. If you are being clingy instead of letting him relax after working and working out, he might be distant to ward off clinginess. You seem to want him to be "on" 100% of the time when he probably just wants to be left alone for a while. When he is being distant, busy yourself somewhere else.

vguertin88 · 2015-09-25T16:37:24+00:00

Laura Doyle wrote in The Surrendered Wife that when a man is dealing with something on his own, be available to listen if he wants to open up, otherwise busy yourself with your own hobbies and female friends. That would be my advice. I am sure I would feel the same way in your position and I know it's hard because you just want to be reassured that's he's fine and everything is fine but leave him alone.

I personally have not had this problem, even when my husband is dealing with something serious he wants me right by his side to lean on. Physically he needs support, but he typically won't talk about what's bothering him. So I can only imagine what you're feeling and some of the other ladies are saying this is dread game and I'm sure they're right.

Edit: to add the second paragraph.

RPDame · 2015-09-25T14:37:20+00:00

I haven't experienced this. My SO is extroverted and very touchy-feeley, and I'm introverted and sometimes I need a little time to check out in order to recharge my batteries. He'd prefer if we were always touching, so I try to incorporate more of what he wants. But it's just my nature that I need some space sometimes, because being around other people drains me as opposed to energizing me. It's just how I am, and it has nothing to do with how I feel about him.

I want to feel like he is MY alpha which I only feel when he's as affectionate as usual. Working out, focusing on work, and still coming home and being lovey dovey with me. Not like my boyfriend is being this alpha male and I'm watching him grow away from me.

Well, you don't get to have control over that. This power struggle is what is driving you to post here. You want him to adjust how he behaves to your preferences, which means you're trying to control him. He is who he is and he's a guy who needs some space sometimes.

I think that you should work on having confidence in your boyfriend's feelings for you. If you know that this is a pattern with him, then you know it's going to happen again. And you also know from your history that things always go back to normal if you just wait it out. So do that. Wait it out.

If you get anxious each and every time this happens, in spite of the proof of history, and in spite of the fact that he loves you, I could see that he'd start to feel annoyed and overwhelmed.

So do you trust him or not? If he says he loves you and is committed to you, why would his need for a little bit of space change that? If you love him, then trust him.

He needs you to be a capable first mate and take care of yourself when he's not able to. He's simply recharging, and prioritizing himself. He'll be back.

People who need a little bit of distance do not do well with a partner who becomes more clingy during that time. It's a pattern that damages relationships. Instead, trust him, and when he backs off, you need to say to yourself "okay, I'm going to not let myself get anxious, and I'll use this time to focus on me." and find something else to occupy your mind that does not involve worrying about him and what it all ~means.~

You're someone who could really benefit from mindfulness meditation. It helps you see that it is a choice to let your emotions define you, and that they are things that you can choose to accept or reject.

laylavause · 2015-09-25T11:39:32+00:00

I experience the same thing from time to time. Seeing him from a distance, like he was on the market. You should be happy that you still feel that way about him. That he doesn't just sit there and not move forward just because you both are in a relationship. He's constantly developing a person regardless of whether he's single or not. And that's exactly what you should do too. Engage yourself, immerse yourself in lot of activities or your passions that he can look at you and realise that you're not just stagnating as person too. If you're looking at him in a single light it's not because he particularly is behaving that way, but maybe a shortcoming that you're not able to feel as single. A quick remedy might be to learn about something new and interesting to talk about when he comes home.

vegancigarette · 2015-09-25T16:37:34+00:00

Like others have said, it's important to recognize his body language and back off when you sense that he is distancing himself in this way. In my experience, men hate to be asked, "Is everything okay?" "Is something wrong?" etc. and it often creates a tension that wouldn't be there otherwise. Is your boyfriend introverted at all? I go through periods myself when I feel like I'm never fully "recharged" and I tend to withdraw since I just want some space for myself.

He may be implementing "dread game" if he reads the Red Pill, but if he's just a normal guy it's likely that he isn't doing this specifically to cause anxiety for you. Just continue to be available and pleasant, but don't pester him for attention all the time. He will come to you if he needs to vent about something or has a problem with you that needs to be addressed.

At this point, allow him space (everyone needs it!) and try to focus on yourself, your hobbies and not having all your happiness tied up in how he is acting toward you at a particular moment. If he hasn't said there's something wrong, there's no need to pester him until he is actually annoyed with you.

freebumblebee · 2015-09-25T13:58:25+00:00

And all the comments are super positive about it. Weird. Boyfriend gets like this sometimes, and I don't like it. It makes me uncomfortable, it stresses me out, I feel like I'm doing something wrong, I end up being more of a nudge just trying to fix him when it's how he deals with stress. So I'm learning to cope and step back and let him have his time to recover, and he is sure to communicate to me that his mood isn't related to me, which helps a lot. Previously I would internalize completely, and his de-stressing caused me a mountain of it. And like you, it's not a turn off sexually in that I only turn him down in extreme circumstances (illness, something very serious going on, whatever), but it doesn't exactly endear me to him, it doesn't make me want to jump his bones the way I do normally.

Title	Perceived distance?
Author	cl3ophatra
Upvotes	9
Comments	26
Date	September 25, 2015 8:28 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/3mbapr/perceived_distance/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/perceived-distance.85630 https://theredarchive.com/post/85630

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