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mdawg73
[–]HappyWifeLife 30 points31 points32 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
If this man has half a brain, he will NEVER take you back.
[–]newmeforever 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
this.
[–]Temuzjin 13 points14 points15 points 11 years ago* (6 children) | Copy Link
Please help, how do I get this awesome man back and treat him as he should be treated?
Right now, I'd focus on becoming a better, less "spoiled, bratty, snobby and bitchy" and above all less violent person rather than on getting your boyfriend back. There are two reasons for this:
One, I'm a man and if a girl physically assaults me, then there's no way on earth I'll ever have a relationship with her again. If your boyfriend reads TRP, then he'll know that that's also the TRP advice on the matter. Your relationship may not be salvagable at this point, so I wouldn't make this my end goal.
Two, if I were in your boyfriends shoes, I'd just get annoyed if the woman who slapped me after I dumped her, keeps trying to win me back. How would you feel if you dumped a guy, he slaps you and then he keeps trying to win you back?
If, however, that woman admits her mistake, breaks off contact for a while and tries to fix her issues, then at least I'd respect that. It might make me reconsider the relationship for a minute, even if in the end I still wouldn't take her back.
[–]mdawg73 1 points1 points1 points 11 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
I want to do this entirely right by being the best person I can be. It's getting easier to focus on me, the things I need to do to grow as a person, and the characteristics I want to develop.
Maybe one day I won't want him back, but as of right now I do. He was my best friend, the most important person in my life. I think I depended way too much on him, and he knew it and manipulated me. I just don't know how, from a man's perspective, it makes sense to do that. Why put in the effort? Especially because I, for lack of a better word, would rebel when it happened.
My question is why? And if he found something in me that he thought was potential for a LTR, could he ever find it again? I slapped him because he was being so mean, so awful, telling me to leave, he hated me, he never loved me. It seems like he'd really given up (usually, he uses, "get out," as a way to say, "I don't like what you're doing, stop or this is over," never throwing hate into it).
Will he be beta if he sleeps around, gets bored, and then sees that I am an entirely new person? Could we ever start from scratch?
[–]Temuzjin 3 points4 points5 points 11 years ago* (4 children) | Copy Link
From your original post:
We've broken up before, me always promising to change, to be better, thinner, less bitchy, less emotionally driven, drink less (when I drink I...uhh...rebel? against him), and he's always taken me back.
It sounds to me like you two repeatedly broke up; you repeatedly promised to improve and then didn't (or didn't improve enough); and he basically tolerated you breaking that promise over and over again. Then one day he had enough, snapped and insulted you. You hit him, and here we are.
If that's what happened, then he's not being a clever manipulator. He's being dumb. He enabled your bratty behaviour by not letting there be any real consequences the first time you promised to improve but didn't. After all, if he kept taking you back, then there are no real consequences for you.
Here's what he should have done. The first time it became clear that you're not actually keeping your promise to improve (or didn't improve enough to his liking), he should have dumped you permanently. Instead, he let your bad behaviour escalate to the point where you became physically violent.
Here's what he should do now. He should under no circumstance take you back ever again, or he'll enable your violence. Taking you back would be beta behaviour. Rather, he should fuck everything that moves for a while to clear his head. That would be the alpha and the correct thing to do.
What you should do is learn that there are consequences to your actions. You don't seem to quite grasp that he was nasty to you because you're often bitchy to him. You're like a child that keeps poking a dog and are utterly shocked when that dog eventually barks at you angrily. You shouldn't be blaming the dog for barking, you should blame yourself for poking it in the first place. You certainly shouldn't kick the dog for barking, as you did.
Just to drive the point home: he wasn't suddenly nasty to you, and that's why you hit him. You were bitchy and that's why he was nasty to you.
You write:
Will he be beta if he sleeps around, gets bored, and then sees that I am an entirely new person?
You won't become "an entirely new person" by simply wishing to be one. It's hard work and it takes years. Realising what you should have done doesn't make you a new person; practicing it does. You should focus on the "become an entirely new person" part and not on the "then maybe we can start over" part.
Also, even if you could get him back tomorrow, you shouldn't want to. You're bad for each other. I'm making a few assumptions here, but you seem to really want and need a firm, no-nonsense man or you apparently become "spoiled, bratty, snobby and bitchy." He apparently has some balls but is not quite an alpha (yet). He can't really lead you (either because he's somewhat bad at it or because you need a really strong leader), so your bad behaviour escalates to the point where you're hitting him.
I really worry what will happen if he enables your violence by taking you back. The way things are looking now, this may become an abusive relationship.
Finally, I'm really hoping that you don't read my criticism of his not-quite-alpha behaviour as an excuse for you hitting him. It's not. What you did was unacceptable.
I also hope that you don't conclude "aha, I don't need to become less difficult, I need to find a true alpha." First, true alphas are very rare. Second, true alphas can have just about any woman they want, so why would they bother with a "spoiled, bratty, snobby and bitchy" woman? Just because he maybe could tame you, doesn't mean that he wants to put in the effort.
edit: after writing this, I read in another reply you wrote that he cheated on you a few times. That makes me less sure that you started the problems by being bitchy, but it makes me more sure that you two should stay away from each other.
[–][deleted] 11 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
[permanently deleted]
[–]FlowerAndWillowWorld 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I think you really want us to tell you it's all going to be okay between you two. It's really not. You're not fully accepting your own actions. You say you know what you did wrong, but then you turn right around and try to pin your behavior on him somehow.
clearly he was willing to put in the effort.
Was he though? If he cheated on you and broke up with you several times, it seems more like he was either being stupid or you were essentially a bad plate for him.
Now that I understand and agree with them, I can develop into a RPW since I was already so close.
You don't sound very close at all.
if I can truly become someone who not only understands how to treat him but actively and without fail treats him this way, isn't this a win-win? He isn't likely to find that here and now, as a 20 year old man in a large city sleeping with college women,
You are also a college aged woman who just treated him exactly the way you expect every other college aged woman to treat him. I don't see any win-win here and I'm sure he doesn't either.
[–]whinemoreplease 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
lol. you somehow have this mentality that you're super special.
realistically, you're not. you've in no way distinguished yourself as someone that a high value male should go after, especially not since 1) you used violence and 2) don't have much self respect to start with. I mean, you're chasing after some guy who's dumped you, who doesn't want to be with you. Clingy, emotional, violent women are pretty much the lowest.
I give him whatever he wants: sex, food, love, adventure, conversation, anything he asks and whatever I can without him asking.
Again, how does this distinguish you from any other of the hot women in college. The ones who don't have to be "thinner, less bitchy, less emotionally driven, drink less". You've been sold a lie, that you're a special snowflake, and you're special. You and everyone else in the world. The challenge is to actually be better, not just promise to be better.
[–]neveragoodtime1 Star 19 points20 points21 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You shouldn't want this man back. You treated him like shit when you had him, and you'll do it again if you get him back. You're not good for him. You need to focus on you, becoming the caring, nurturing woman you claim you want to be. Focus on humility, gratitude, and showing appreciation. This can be done cultivating relationships with girl friends and family, and shouldn't be practiced on men who want to sleep with you. In time, you'll find a better mate than you had, and you'll be a better partner to him than you were.
[–]proprioceptor 3 points4 points5 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Some of the things that you're talking about are things that I've struggled with, definitely. A couple of ideas
If you get sort of rebellious when you drink, maybe have someone around to make sure that you dont' get to that point. About 9 months ago I made the decision that I wasn't going to drink, except around someone who I knew would feel comfortable telling me when I'd gone too far.
It does sound like he said some pretty hurtful things, but I dont' think that's any worse than what you've done. SO keep in mind when you feel really hurt by something that he does, this is exactly how he feels when you do some of the things that you mention here.
Have you ever considered talking to a therapist? Not to be Freudian, but it sounds like you aren't at peace with yourself, because you keep sabotaging.
Make this decision (either with him if he comes back, or with the next man that you date) - every day decide that you're going to do SOMETHING to make his life better/easier. If you approach your relationship that way, it will make your lives easier. Also making that conscious decision every day will eventually help you make it a habit.
Hope this helps. I think you're in the right place seeking advice here.
[–]mdawg731 point 11 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
1.) I'm not a fan of it, but he loves drinking. I think I'm just going to stop entirely.
2.) I think we have both been awful. I wonder if there's any way we can start a new relationship where we aren't so destructive?
3.) I've actually heard a lot of this. It took me by surprise at first, but the more I thought, the more I realized it really was kind of making sense. Which is a really frightening realization.
4.) How do you recommend this? He really does not want to talk to or see me. Maybe I can make his life easier by improving mine, should our paths cross again? I would very much like to do things more directly to him (all I really want to do is make him happy), but it seems impossible at this moment.
Thank you for this. Your post was the most helpful thing I've heard in a very, very long time. Thank you for the hope and gentle suggestions of how to fix my character flaws.
[–]frozen_strawberry 11 points12 points13 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
you slapped him. if roles were reversed we'd call that domestic violence and call you an idiot if you went back to him. why shouldnt he feel the same way about this? he might be physically stronger but it's still crossing a line that should never be crossed.
as all the others have said: work on yourself, try to be a better person and eventually work on being a better girlfriend for someone else.
[–]TempestTcup 2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
I'm not certain if that will happen, but on the other hand he has put up with your bratty behavior for a year and a half off and on. There must be something he really likes about you to put up with that. The slap might not be something that he will get over.
I want to take some time and reevaluate everything.
This is a very good idea. While reevaluating your situation, think about the things you have written here: how you never acknowledge the things he does for you, how you rebel against him when drinking, etc. The main problem I see here is that you are being very selfish and everything is all about ME! ME! ME!
Think about the concept of gratitude. How many people do things for you that you don't acknowledge? How have you treated you parents through growing up? I bet that you take and take and take from your parents and rarely let them know (except for that first big Thanks! when they get you something) how much you appreciate everything they have done for you.
It's the same thing with your relationships; if the man doesn't feel appreciated, then you are doing it wrong.
My parents are my best friends. I wake up and tell them how much I love them every morning. They are doing their best to help me get through school and I am so thankful and appreciative of all they do.
I tried to do this with my boyfriend. Just a few days before we broke up, I picked up some candy I thought he'd really like and put it into individual baggies labeled with the days of the week because I know how bad his sweet tooth is. I baked and cooked for him every weekend and offered to almost every night of the week.
He cheated on me a few times. I didn't leave. He'd just recently given up his Tinder account and one of our last fights before the slap was that he had redownloaded it when he was drunk. I'm not giving him an excuse for hurting my feelings, but I think he did so because he was feeling taken advantage of in our relationship. And when I grew upset at him for redownloading the app, he imediately deleted it but I was still upset. I am beside myself with these new realizations of what I was actually doing, not thinking, leading with emotions. I know that I can take some time for myself and learn how to think like this even in the heat of the moment, but how can I convey this to him?
[–]tintedlipbalm 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
He cheated on me a few times. I didn't leave.
Why do you write this as if it's something to be proud of? You are codependent.
[–]FleetingWishEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Either you are an unreliable narrator, or both people in this story are really screwed up. If he's as bad as you say he is, why do you want him back? If you're as bad as you say you are, why did he ever take you back? You really seem like a couple who argues and fights all the time, and only want to be around each other when you are not together.
My advice, don't get back into this relationship. It's bad for both parties. Instead take some time out of relationships all together, and work on your issues. If you can get angry enough to attack someone... You need to work on your anger issues. Work on learning girl game, and conflict resolution skills. Then start new with someone else.
[–]Pentaquark1 2 points2 points2 points 11 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
This reads like satire
Unfortunately it's not. I guess I was too emotional when I wrote this. I've calmed down quite a bit though and tried to further explain what I meant in the post. I see where I went a little wrong with respect to wording things.
[–]Aine_of_knockaine 2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
You slapped him. Honestly, he shouldn't take you back. In fact if he does then I'd say that's pretty bad for him and only will make you think you can do it again reinforcing your terrible behavior. You messed up. Learn from it.
Take time reading here. Work on yourself. Seek therapy. You might not actually need therapy, but it can help people (even those without big issues) find ways to resolve conflict and work on themselves.
[–][deleted] 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Aine_of_knockaine 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
You won't. A mistake is only a mistake if you make it once. You're exhibiting a pattern of escalating behavior.
You obviously haven't. That's why it's escalated to this degree. You guys break up and you promise to do better then you don't. Take this as a lesson and move on and work on you. If he takes you back there is no way that you will respect him and the relationship will in any way be on a better track. Why would you respect him after you hit him and he took you back? I would never respect a man who let me lay a hand on him in any way that wasn't from a deep place of love and adoration.
You can say all you want that the same wouldn't be the case for you, but it's obvious no matter how many nice things you do that you also don't respect him. If you did you wouldn't have hit him or consistently been "spoiled, bratty, snobby, [and] bitch[y]." If you did the first time that this was an issue and you all broke up you would have worked to change.
He cheated. You can be mad about it. Ultimately I think the slap resulted from the fact that not only do you not respect him, but also that you don't actually trust him.
Every action has a consequence be it good or bad. Face up to that and own it. Quit trying to talk about how good you are for him in places. You aren't good for him and he isn't good for you if this is the path that the relationship will continue down.
Without trust and respect relationships are doomed. Let it go. Learn from this relationship and what you did.
Edit: Added second sentence.
[–]AerobusTRP MOD 8 points9 points10 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
gr b8 m8 i r8 8/8
[–]saffronbelle 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
He's probably not going to take you back. You both treated each other terribly because you two aren't right for each other - toxic relationships aren't romantic, they're harmful. You shouldn't be fighting for this, or for him.
Work on yourself for awhile. Focus on treating your friends and family better as practice on how you'll be able to act in a relationship again. Unless you're a raging bitch to everyone you know, you may not even have an anger management problem - he may have just brought out the very worst in you. It happens. I've been there.
With time you'll be able to get over him. Now you know what you did wrong - you recognize the faults in your own behaviour and will consciously try to never make those mistakes again. That's what matters. Good luck.
[–]LadyLumen 11 years ago* [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
Get therapy. Find someone else. This relationship is already over. It's time to improve yourself as a person then look for love elsewhere.
It sounds like you're not ready to be in a relationship right now because you are abusive. You need to get into some kind of anger management therapy, and learn to love and respect yourself before you can love and respect someone else.
Abuse is never okay and should never be given a second chance.
[–]HappyWifeLife 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
yes and well said!
[–]FourNominalCents 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
1) Part ways with him. You dun fucked up. Only time can reset behavioral premises on which your interaction with him is founded, and maybe in time you can try again. 2) Get some friends that are brutally honest. If you don't sometimes get taken down a few pegs by someone you know, you're only getting partial feedback. You know that acquaintance that you can see biting his tongue so hard it probably starts bleeding whenever you're spouting nonsense? You need him in your life, with explicit permission to unload on you when you're being an idiot. Now. 3) Work on your girl game. Right now, it sucks. Your attitude is pushing up against Poe's Law. It's that bad. Charity work and hostessing/helping the hostess are some of the fastest ways to work on that. Get to it.
[–]ITravelin_Man 11 years ago [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
Wow! My ex never recovered from favoring a cashier who refused my refund. She made me look like an idiot and when I told her let's leave, she stayed and almost made me look like an asshole. Instead she ignored me and I looked the idiot again. She got my refund and I threw the money out of the car window. I doubt you can ever recover from hitting him. It won't make it better if not, but did anyone see it?
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[–]HappyWifeLife 30 points31 points32 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]newmeforever 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Temuzjin 13 points14 points15 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]mdawg73 1 points1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]Temuzjin 3 points4 points5 points (4 children) | Copy Link
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[–]neveragoodtime1 Star 19 points20 points21 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]proprioceptor 3 points4 points5 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]mdawg731 point [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]frozen_strawberry 11 points12 points13 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]TempestTcup 2 points3 points4 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]mdawg73 1 points1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link
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[–]FleetingWishEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Pentaquark1 2 points2 points2 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]mdawg731 point [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]Aine_of_knockaine 2 points3 points4 points (2 children) | Copy Link
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[–]Aine_of_knockaine 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
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[–]LadyLumen [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]HappyWifeLife 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
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