STFU when he does something he knows I hate? Help pls

timeforstretchpants · 2020-04-25T21:35:16+00:00

Hi! I have the same disdain for stinky lunch containers. It hasn't been an issue for me lately due to a combination of him remembering to dump it out, eating out more for lunch, and just using the dishwasher more consistently.

Here is what helped me in situations where my husband said he would do something but didn't or where I've expressed a need /desire for something to be done and he agreed: speaking his language. Saying "I've asked you to abc" or "you said you'd xyz" somehow didn't click with him. But, when I've said "I feel really disrespected when you tell me you'll abc but don't", that clicks. Respect he understands. Use this phrase wisely.

szsunshine · 2020-04-26T01:30:27+00:00

Stop making his lunch and stop cleaning up after him. You are giving a lot of husband perks to a man who is only your boyfriend. Tell him sweetly that his dirty dishes drive you crazy. You don’t want to be crazy so he can just take care of his own lunch or buy lunch from now on.

If you are not willing to do that, you can buy brown paper sandwich bags at Whole Foods and many grocery stores. Make him sandwiches and wrap them in the brown paper. Not as eco-friendly as reusable containers, but you have to use water, detergent and energy to clean the containers so they aren’t 100% perfect either.

36trombones · 2020-04-25T19:20:13+00:00

Sometimes people can be kind of oblivious. If the reminders really arent working, can you maybe have him take over one of your other chores to make up for it? Like if you really hate folding laundry, maybe that can become his job? That way, the next time you're washing his moldy Tupperware, you can remind yourself that at least you never have to fold laundry again.

Puggalina · 2020-04-26T12:12:28+00:00

That is gross, I would feel disrespected too. Sometimes people don't see the problem unless it's under their nose.

What I would do is take a dirty tupperware that is ripe and sit beside him on the couch, without him seeing what's coming. I would pull out the tupperware and say "Oooh i just found this laying around" and open it near to him. When he gets a whiff of it he will immediately understand. I would continue: "Omg that is so nasty! I can't bear to clean this!" Proceed to gag and throw it into the trash. "I hate to throw it away, I/you paid 5 bucks for that dish, but I can't clean and gag at the same time."

This may seem juvenile and/or mean but ~~men~~ some people learn better by seeing - not by hearing. All they hear is nagging so they shut down. Lessons taught this way are never forgotten.

I only use this method as a last ditch effort when words just fail. He may get mad initially but he'll get over it and y'all can laugh about it later. If he is wise he will see why you were so upset by his ignoring the issue for so long. If he is mature he will apologize for doing that to you for so long.

edit: words

edit to add history: my similar problem with stinky tupperware.

I went away for the weekend to visit family and returned to finding several expensive tupperwares on the counter full of rotten food (leftovers from before I left).

I asked him what was that on the counter and he proclaimed "Oh, I cleaned out the fridge while you were gone!" He opened the fridge to show me how much room he had made in there. He smiled at me like he genuinely wanted praise for such a feat. My response was a weak "Thank you but please throw out the food and not let it sit for days in tupperware because it is disgusting and harder to clean."

Six months later it happened again, this time it was two large one gallon tupperwares ($25 each) and a tray with a half eaten rotisserie chicken wrapped in foil. With him standing right there waiting for his praise, I ripped open the foil exposing the chicken and releasing the most foul odor. I then removed one of the lids of tupperware and whatever was inside was unrecognizable due to one inch of mold upon it. It would have required a power drill to remove.

I threw all three items into the trash while calmly stating "If you are going to do a job, do it all the way. Don't just be lazy and half ass it - thereby creating a larger mess for your fairy to come and magically whisk it away. Taking an item from the fridge and placing it on the counter doesn't count as 'cleaning the fridge'. It takes 10 seconds to open it, dump it into the trash and place in the dishwasher."

The next time I went out of town he bid me goodbye with "I promise not to clean out the fridge while you are gone." I just gave him the cut eye and a smirk and went on my way. He has never done it again and I have actually witnessed him disposing of food properly since.

I hated to be so blunt with him and I hated to throw out the expensive dishes but that was just NASTY. I think him seeing the nasty AND seeing money go into the trash was an eye opener. I'm sure there are many ways to solve this issue better, but that is how it happened for me.

KathrynHogan · 2020-04-26T14:58:32+00:00

First - it’s not petty. Everyone has needs and preferences. That’s totally ok! This is important to you - part of femininity is respecting that in yourself so that others know how to provide what’s most meaningful to you.

So try and ask in a different way. Tell him what it will PROVIDE. Tell him who and what it will allow you to BE. From what you’ve said that might sound like:

“Honey, I need you to take your Tupperware in, empty the scraps into the garbage, and put it in the sink after work every day.” - that’s the ask

“When you do that, it makes me feel really respected and appreciated for my efforts around the house. It makes me feel loved and part of a great team. It puts a smile on my face and saves me from the ickies!” - this is what it will provide

“When you do that for me, it motivates me to do even more around the house because I feel really appreciated and supported. It also makes my chores feel more effortless and fun. It helps me be more carefree and relaxed!” - this is what it allows you to be / do!

Hope this helps. Sometimes men just don’t quite understand right away, but putting it this way can speak to their listening!

unknownlady3245 · 2020-04-25T18:27:23+00:00

Buy disposable containers. Problem solved with a smile.

LeilaintheDark · 2020-04-25T23:37:23+00:00

Hey, I totally empathize with you as my SO has a couple of cleaning quirks as well that used to bother me to no end. I get that it's really frustrating, and what helped me was remembering all the great things he does. I feel fortunate that the cleaning quirks are the biggest and only complaint I really have against him. No one's perfect, and this is a very light flaw.

I also want to share something I read somewhere - sorry I don't remember which book. Basically it was saying that sometimes men will keep doing the one thing you nag them about or forbid them from doing because they subconsciously want to be loved despite that one thing. They want to be loved unconditionally. Then, it said that some women found that when they took a break from bringing up that one thing, the problem actually resolved itself (he gradually started tidying up after himself etc.). I know this is really frustrating and illogical but it is what it is.

I think Whisper down there made it a point about obedience and got downvoted into oblivion, but there is an aspect of that. Not saying it makes sense, but men do often get this reaction. Basically, if you keep insisting that he does this one thing, you're implying that your way is correct and his way is wrong. Yeah it's tupperware and it's petty, but the underlying psychological mechanism persists. Anyway, if you remove the nagging (even though I know you're probably doing it sweetly), you'll remove this dynamic of control, and he might realize by himself that it's gross and stop. But if he doesn't, refer to my first paragraph.

teriyakigirl · 2020-04-25T22:38:02+00:00

Oh my god that would drive me absolutely fucking insane!!!! Sounds like you need to remind him of all the things you do to take care of the house and that you just need him to do this ONE thing. You could sit him down or get him at a quiet moment in the day and say, "darling there's something I need to talk to you about that's been driving me crazy and I just want to address it before I really go crazy." And then explain how you just need him to empty his shit and that you'll take care of the rest! Say how it's gross for you and it smells and you don't like it. He had better listen to you!!!!!!! If nothing changes, you might have to escalate.

2020-04-25T18:58:49+00:00

[removed]

2020-04-25T20:49:04+00:00

This isn‘t important to him and he’s not going to do it. He’s not going to remember, no matter how often you remind him, because it’s simply not important to him and his mind doesn’t register it as an important thing to do.

So, you are the one with the problem here, and you need to figure out a way to solve it which doesn’t involve him. Because that is not going to happen. You have tried several times without success. There is not a magic form of words that will make him care about clean Tupperware.

Get disposable containers, pack bag lunches only in paper sacks, or get used to cleaning out gross Tupperware.

Whisper · 2020-04-25T19:10:40+00:00

I've asked my bf SEVERAL times in the past to empty his plate/Tupperware from lunch before placing it in the sink for me to wash.

So, he isn't being obedient, and this upsets you.

Title	STFU when he does something he knows I hate? Help pls
Author	rachel_anneliese
Upvotes	11
Comments	45
Date	April 25, 2020 5:38 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/g7xn3g/stfu_when_he_does_something_he_knows_i_hate_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/stfu-when-he-does-something-he-knows-i-hate-help.656963 https://theredarchive.com/post/656963

Comments