TL;DR: Look for a man whose actions match his words. Don't rely on 'gina tingles to tell you that he's "the one."

Last week, a friend of mine (28M) just broke up with his girlfriend (29F), who is also a friend of mine. She's quite feminine, doesn't curse, and (when they were dating) very supportive of her man--to a fault (I'll explain later). She looked up to him, and generally he's the kind of guy women look to for leadership and guidance. Physically powerful, highly intelligent, dashingly handsome--in other words, a high-value male.

Like many AlphasTM he's got an independent streak. While having your own hobbies and interests is important, a man who says he wants an LTR but does very little to build a future with you is a HUGE red flag. (Read: Trust what he says, but verify with his actions.). And this was certainly the case here.

 

Background

You see, they had been dating for about four years, maybe more. For the majority of that time, he maintained that he

  • never wanted kids.

  • never wanted to be married (and still doesn't).

  • prefers to have the freedom to do whatever he wants, wherever he wants to do it.

  • wants to travel the world and live in as many different exotic countries as he can before he gets too old.

  • avoids signing leases like the plague, preferring to live rent-free, either with his parents or with his (now ex-) girlfriend.

  • prefers intellectual challenge over building a career. His career field has changed at least four times since graduating college.

  • views children as "being tied down" and your life being "over."

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with his mentality and lifestyle. The problem is when he agreed to an LTR without doing anything that indicates he wanted to settle down.

 

She's the diametric opposite. She

  • wanted to be married by 25 or 26, and with a kid or two before 30.

  • wants lots of kids--maybe four or more.

  • has been a schoolteacher ever since she graduated college, where her major was Secondary Education.

  • bought a house in the county where she teaches. Basically, she's settled into one place for awhile.

  • likes the responsibility of being a homeowner, and craves control, stability, and predictability in her life.

 

Where it All Goes to S__t

Over the past year or two, she had become more and more like a bitter shrew.

  • She resented him for having "taken" her best years while giving nothing in return (notice the passive-aggressive language?).

  • She resented him for never paying rent, despite her enthusiastically inviting him to live with her rent-free (covert contract much?).

  • She resented him for never volunteering to help her do chores when he was unemployed, despite her constant nagging and hints that he wasn't housebroken enough.

  • She resented his free spirit, the very thing she fell in love wth him for.

  • She resented the fact that he never wanted kids, and in a fit of frustration even said she'd be willing to never have children if it meant staying with him. And yet she continued to push for marriage and children--to the point where he couldn't take it anymore and broke it off.

On so many occasions, her other female friends and I advised her to leave this relationship because they are too different. That she should find someone whose goals are more similar to her own. I told her that it wasn't fair to be angry at him when he has been honest with her about his intentions the entire time. She didn't take that too well, of course, saying that he made her feel like no other guy has before, and she hoped he would change over the years if she gave up just enough to stay in a relationship with him. 'Gina tingles is like that one friend who tries to convince you to do shots when you're already drunk. Following through is fun for a short while, but the hangover the next morning is anything but. Don't rely just on how he makes you feel as a predictor for successful LTRs.

While I agree that women should adapt to their partners' habits and lifestyles to a certain extent, there's no negotiating on mutually exclusive things like being married or having children. And even if one side did "cave in" to their partner's wishes in this regard, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it's not going to work in the long-run.

If you're reading this and thinking, "Good golly, that guy sounds like my man!" don't do anything drastic just yet. Evaluate (as objectively as you can) what he has said and compare that to what he has done. If they match, and his words/actions match up to your goals, there's no reason to break things off for that reason, especially if it's going well. If, on the other hand, you're grasping for straws when you're trying to remember what he's done to support his claim that he wants an LTR, I would seriously reconsider whether you want to stay in this relationship.

 

You only have so many "good years" to give before your chances of finding an LTR-worthy man dwindle to nothing. Don't waste them.